Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Incredible Journal

*dashes into bedroom, giggling excitedly; then hops on fur-strewn granite slab (my bed) and lolls about with a big grin; then plucks from the floor a massive tome, bound in leather and edged in razor wire; flops on belly with legs kicking lazily; begins scribbling in blank pages of the book*

Dear Space-Diary,

You'll never believe this, but I've found a NEW (imaginary) boyfriend! Tee-hee! Deep booming laugh! His name is "Mihura" and he's from SPAIN. Look how sexy he is!


See? Ours is a true love that will last until the universe collapses in on itself, only he doesn't know I'm alive, but there's a PROBLEM, space-diary! Mihura lives in another dimension and ALSO a thousand years ago, which BITES. Pout! Brood! Oh, if ONLY I could steal borrow another time-bubble, like I did that ONE time, but my dumb JOB doesn't give me any time to get away! It's so STUPID! Maybe I can do it when I get my two weeks paid vacation this summer, but that's FOREVER from now! I want Mihura and his sexy sexy body RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

Mihura is JUST SO COOL! For ONE thing, he works at the CIRCUS! As a "strongman"! They call him "El Hombre Mas Fuerte Del Mundo", which means "the hardest man in the world"! Or so I'm told! I didn't think anybody could beat ME out for that title, but if Mihura did, I want a piece of THAT action! Giggle! Raspy chortle! I love Mihura's hair! Even the dumb Liefeld-esque braids! Maybe because the rest of his hair is so long, they don't stand out as much! I dunno! But mostly I love his beautiful beautiful bearded face and his big muscle-y body! He needs to stop waxing it, but I could take care of THAT. Mihura LOVES to drink V-8 vegetable juice from industrial-sized drums, and he even invented a special can-opener that he wears on his arm for just such occasions! He's like Sugyn minus the gut! (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Also, Mihura farts the souls of the damned, which is like the ULTIMATE in bad-assery.

SOMEDAY, space-diary, Mihura and I will bask in the light of a beautiful sun. Preferably a red one, since that highlights my complexion to best effect. MARK MY WORDS. The only obstacle I can see are THESE losers he hangs out with:


Especially the nun. At that Amadan monastery my folks sent me to that one summer ("Our Brother of the Immaculately-Trimmed Mustache") the monks would thump you on the head with their canes if they caught you jerking off in the mens' room to Omnicom porn. But they sure as hell didn't wield FLAMING SWORDS. What the HELL? Also, what happened to her EYEBALLS? She's CREEPY.

I want Mihura HERE in my BED RIGHT NOW. I WANT HIM! And he's so far away! It makes me want to cry punch something!

That's all for NOW, space-diary! I'm going to Tusker's now to play video games. He has Ocarina Hero 2, which sounds KICK-ASS! THEN we'll eat some cheesecake and do each other's hair!



Stephen R. said...

I'll help steal... errr.... borrow a time bubble if I can go just one round with Hihura. Please?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Blondie there looks pretty creepy.

I clicked on the link to her page and it seems like that was the best pic of her. Maybe she's just not photogenic.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Stephen: Well... only because you said "please" (and are cute).

Jon: Also, she spends way too much time on the stationary bike. Seriously, check out those leg muscles! Kinda unnerving.

Hale of Angelthorne said...

The "Spanish Legion" sounds like something that should include Generalissimo Francisco Franco (who, by the by, is still dead) as a member.

LurkerWithout said...

Couldn't you steal whats his faces axe? Pacificater? You know the one that can cut thru space and time? Weird looking dude. Would fight the LSH along with the Eyeball Queen or whatever her name was...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Hale: I take it he'd be like the Juggernaut or Green Goblin of the team.

Lurker: That's a pretty awesome idea, to be honest. At the very least, I'd look muy sexful walking around with a giant axe. Maybe I can get Storm Boy to whip me up a duplicate!

Stephen R. said...

You think I'm cute?!?!? Hot damn!!! Blockade Boy thinks I'm cute!!

Cute is easy to achieve at age 16, but at 38, I deserve a friggin' award!!!

MaGnUs said...

Blockade Boy; I hate to break it to you, but "mas fuerte" is "strongest", not "hardest" :>

Jeremy Rizza said...

Wait, so an internet site gave me incorrect information? That can't be...!