Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Pale Rider

ecowgfern


Oh, Eastern Cowgirl Fern, you saucy, spangled temptress...!

Luring wine-soaked businessmen to their dooms as you writhe onstage to ZZ Top; stretching your lanky legs into configurations few thought possible; ruthlessly abrading the metal pole with the scales on your stretchpants; insouciantly tossing your collar tips to select "rough-riders" whom you'll meet later, and secretly; dazzling the crowds with the strobe-light concealed within the ludicrously-tall crown of your cowgirl hat; smiling only seldom, because of your embarrassing overbite; ignoring the numbness in your feet after cinching your "ankle bandana" too tightly; doggedly removing all alcohol and bodily fluids from your tiny daughter's pageant vest before placing it back in her closet right before she awakens (for she must never know how the two of you can afford to live in this respectable brownstone -- that is your solemn vow)...!

Oh, Eastern Cowgirl Fern... why do you fascinate me so?

UPDATE: Holy shit. She's an actual person. Real Eastern Cowgirl Fern, I offer you my sincerest apologies.

10 comments:

LurkerWithout said...

Man, thats no way to talk about this year's entrant in Planet Wrongsideoftracks' yearly attempt at getting a LSH member. I mean sure Reverse Cowgirl is as doomed as The Barfly, Badly Aging Dancer or Coyote Ugly. But Sunboy has to get dates SOMEHOW...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

She looks like a redneck Bratz, only more flashtastic.

Gustavo said...

Do we have to assume that CowTramp came in a "children´s comic"? I'd say this is as close to Vertigo stuff as you can get...

Bill S. said...

She was a fixture at Studio 54 until she finally enrolled in Betty Ford. She now lives in the suburbs, a proud grandmother and member of the NRA.

Blockade Boy said...

Lurker: "Reverse Cowgirl"...! So she's one of Eobard Thawne's accursed ancestors.

Jon: I think Eastern Cowgirl Fern has pretty much cornered the market on "flashtastic"!

Gustavo: I'm way too happy to report that this ad was from "Batman" #315, September 1979.

Bill S.: Did you get that info from A&E's "Biography" or E!'s "True Hollywood Story"?

MaGnUs said...

FLASHTASTIC!

Bill S. said...

Did you get a sternly worded e-mail from the real Eastern Cowgirl Fern?

Blockade Boy said...

MaGnUs: Haw! Now, if only I could get Storm Boy to stop saying it...

Bill S.: Nope. This was just preemptive. 'Cause you know how buzzworthy my blog is. I'm surprised TMZ hasn't done a story on it yet!

Wonder Man said...

she is a girl from the Chicken Ranch

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