Monday, August 13, 2007

The Carpetbagger


Marianne, don't pester Iron Man about a romance when you're dressed like the Invisible Girl and he's drunk. You just might find out more than you bargained for. Case in point:

Marianne: The man I love? Where is he?

Iron Man: He's still with Ben and Johnny in the Negative Zone, sweetheart... don't you worry your pretty little head about it...!

Marianne: Who? What are you talking a--?

Iron Man: They won't be back for daaayyss, baaabyy! Remeb-- remebber? Re-mem-ber? Member? They're tryin' to get Annihilus to donate a stool sample or somethin'... I dunno. Hey! I got me a l'il idea. You jus' truck that egg-squisite bee-hind o' yours ober, over, o-ver to the bar and get your ol' Tony the Tiger another bourbon...! *reaches for her breasts but dizzily tumbles over*

Marianne: Tony, yes, Tony Stark! He was in the plane, and then--!

Iron Man: Listen, listen, I gotta ask you somethin'... *he struggles to his feet and attempts to whisper through his electronically-amplified mouthpiece* IS THE BRAT STAYING WITH ENDORA OR WHOEVER TONIGHT CAUSE I WANNA DO STUFF TO YOU THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU SCREAM LIKE BLACK BOLT, BABY!

Marianne: I think you have me confused with someone else...

Iron Man: Hey, hey, hey... hey. Let's go fog up the widows... windows on your Pogo Plane, awright? Lonely I-- only I wanna fly it myself, okee-dokee bay-bee? Naw, no, I'm good to go, look at these hands! *holds up his hands, which flutter wildly* Solid as a rocket. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. You 'n' me. Up there. Anti-gravity, honeybuns! C'mon, let's buzz the Mansion, I wanna see the look on Jan's face when she sees your sweet invisible cooter pressed up against the piehole -- porthole, and, and Myron -- my iron thumb jammed up your-- *abruptly snorts, farts, and keels over unconscious*

Marianne: Maybe I'll just have Tony paged by the Information Desk.


Dave said...

Pity this is the wrong time period to ask "Sue" to wear her Malice outfit to again.

Actually, the idea of a "Marvel Hentai" line isn't half bad -- all your favorite heroes, engaged in hardcore sex. People would buy that.

ObStory Comment: For a psychic girl, Marianne sure is dense. This will doubtless set up the panel where she stomps off in a huff, leaving Tony/Iron Man to wallow in self-pity. Joy! Haven't seen one of those since the last one, which was what, two pages ago?

Anonymous said...

Back to the plane, eh? Looks like Tony holds to the theory that you can't be hung over if you're still drunk.

Or he forgot to goose a stewardess.

Chance said...

Someone forgot to tell whoever wrote this awful, awful comic book that iron man is meant to be a hero, not a lame-ass wastrel who can't do anything right.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Dave: It's really no wonder Stark started hittin' the sauce. He was self-medicating!

Anonymous: I love the second possibility.

Chance: That's why Gerry Conway was a much better fit for "Spider-Man."

Skeleton Munroe said...

'Myron, My Iron Thumb' sounds like a great comic. Kind of like Stanley and His Monster without the giant monster... and with a robot thumb of some kind.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Maybe that could be a kid-friendly Ultron spin-off.