Friday, August 17, 2007

Make Love to the Death Ray


Somewhere in the jungles of Vietnam...

Pvt. Kenworth: Death Ray Duty is the worst. I hate bein' out here alone. It gives me the creeps!

Pvt. Becker: You ain't alone, Kenworth! I'll protect ya!

Pvt. Kenworth: You know what I mean, Beck. Just the two of us, by ourselves. The rest of our unit off God knows where. Hell, for all we know, we could be surrounded by the goddamn VC right now! All them eyes, watchin' us...

Pvt. Becker: Big deal! Hell, I wouldn't blame 'em for starin'. You look like a friggin' movie star!

Pvt. Kenworth: Shut the hell up! I do not!

Pvt. Becker: No, for real! You're one good-lookin' guy!

Pvt. Kenworth: Naw! ...Honest? No, my nose has this little bump in the middle. I'm like deformed.

Pvt. Becker: I ain't bullshittin' ya, man. You have kind of a Steve McQueen thing goin' on. Real rugged.

Pvt. Kenworth: Okay, okay...!

Pvt. Becker: I bet you got a dozen gals droolin' over ya back at home...

Pvt. Kenworth: Naw, not really. I ain't never been much of a "ladies' man" to tell the truth.

Pvt. Becker: Huh. Well, those dizzy broads don't know what they're missin'. You're like sculptural, like one o' them old statues or somethin'!

Pvt. Kenworth: Awright, now I know you're pullin' my leg...

Pvt. Becker: I'm one hunnert-percent on the level, pal. You ever think about modelin'?

Pvt. Kenworth: ...Yeah. Sometimes.

Pvt. Becker: 'Cause you can make some good money that way. A guy gets in with the right photographer, he can make hisself four hunnert, five hunnert bucks a session, easy.

Pvt. Kenworth: WOW!

Pvt. Becker: Yeah, I had me a good business goin' back in the States, linin' up guys for this kinda thing. I sorta got me an "eye" as they say. For example... go lean on the death ray. *mimes that he's holding a camera*

Pvt. Kenworth: Like this?

Pvt. Becker: *laughs* Relax, for Chrissakes! Pretend like it's a '68 Camaro and you're a bigshot who owns a whole garage full o' classic cars, and you're about to take that sweet baby for a spin, maybe pick up some honeys for a little action... yeah, there ya go! Maybe smirk a little. Attaboy! See? You're a natural!

Pvt. Kenworth: This is fun!

Pvt. Becker: Now, undo some of those buttons...

Pvt. Kenworth: How many?

Pvt. Becker: All of 'em!

Pvt. Kenworth: Yeah, awright...

Pvt. Becker: The hell?! Is the heat gettin' to me or is that a goddamn orange t-shirt you're wearin' under there?

Pvt. Kenworth: You like it? My cousin got it for me at one o' them fancy boutiques in Philadelphia. Only, don't tell Sarge, okay?

Pvt. Becker: Can do, kid. But now you owe me... more posing! Really work that death ray!

Pvt. Kenworth: *salutes* Sir, yes sir! How's about this? *leans back over barrel of death ray with legs splayed wide apart and a soporific, open-mouthed expression*

Pvt. Becker: Sweet Jesus! You sure you never done this before?

Pvt. Kenworth: Well... maybe once.

Pvt. Becker: I thought so, ya big phoney! Climb on top o' that bad boy!

Pvt. Kenworth: *balances self on death ray and strikes a surfing pose* Dig me! I'm hangin' ten!

Pvt. Becker: Good, good, now get mean!

Pvt. Kenworth: *snarls, makes tiny clawing motions with his hands*

Pvt. Becker: Yeah! Show that death ray who's boss!

Ten minutes later...

Pvt. Becker: Man, you really gave that death ray a work out!

Pvt. Kenworth: I guess I did! I hope all my yankin' and pullin' on it didn't hurt nothin'.

Pvt. Becker: Are you kiddin'? This baby's made by Stark Industries! It's like the Cadillac of death rays!

Pvt. Kenworth: I guess you're right. Hell, all that posin', my uniform is soaked clean through with sweat! Maybe I should... take it off?

Pvt. Becker: Leave that part to me, killer! What I want you to do is put your hand on the back of your neck, kinda seductive-like, see?

Pvt. Kenworth: Like this?

Pvt. Becker: Christ awmighty! Now hold still while I get those pants--

*the death ray collapses into about three thousand pieces*

Pvts. Becker and Kenworth, in unison: Aw, shit.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Man, way til the sarge see this!

Sleestak said...

Slash fic based upon incidental background characters from a 1970s comic? A new genre.

Anonymous said...

I just like the way pieces fall off the back of the gun. It's clearly not in use, and yet "clank."

Here's hoping Tony's comeback is, "Dude. Lowest bidder," while shrugging his shoulders.

But you're right in asking why Senator Noname is showing gay military porn in his little get-together.

Dave said...

It's a slide with sound effects. My mind is blown.

Tony Stark Iron Man said...

When I make a Death ray, I didn't consider people would be making gay porn on it .

Blockade Boy said...

Jon: Yeah, it's a perfect time for a self-inflicted wound and a Purple Heart-winning story of valor.

Sleestak: This is what comic book bloggers are reduced to once all the popular slash combinations are exhausted.

Anonymous: I think everybody in that room is "in on it." Ergo the secret handshake! They don't want some guy from "60 Minutes" sneaking in there!

Dave: Another Stark Industries innovation!

Tony Stark: Really? That's the first thing I consider when I make a Death Ray.

Bill S. said...

I don't have anything even remotely witty to say about this: I think I got a little too into the slash fic.

Blockade Boy said...

I guess I don't know my own strength! (Which is writing slash fiction, apparently.)

Chance said...

This is a perfect post. It is the Golden Ratio of blogging. Or the Fibonacci sequence. Whatever. Perfect. I applaud you.

Blockade Boy said...

To quote Pvt. Kenworth: "WOW!"