Greetings, friends and/or fools!
This book is intended as an introduction to my theory of Transformed Non-Man Analysis, or "Transnonmanalysis" for short. At the core of my teachings is the principle that any philosophical position any of us takes in regard to our fellow men (including annoying loudmouth coworkers) can be boiled down to one of four basic ideas:
- I'm a fool, you're okay: this position is generally wrong. Odds are, you're a lithe, emotionally beautiful genius who is being oppressed by some talkative jackass in a stupid aviator's helmet. You must await the change. Release the crabclaw tentacles within! Then smack the shit out of that bastard. ...If you are a talkative jackass in a stupid aviator's helmet, forget what I just said. You're a fool.
- I'm a fool, you're a fool: this is better than the first position, but not by much. Take a closer look at your coworker. Sure, he's probably a fool. I bet he shows off with his fancy -shmancy laser beam eyeballs and Ginsu hands when a soldering iron/hot glue gun and a pen knife would have worked just as well, and without the unnecessary expenditure of energy. But are you really as bad as all that? Or has this jerk-off merely convinced you that you are? Think about it.
- I'm okay, you're okay: what're you, kidding me? Wake up, dummy! You're better than okay! Who else can accomplish such glorious feats of surrealism? How about that bozo over there -- the one with the Dr. Mid-Nite goggles? Can he grow to two stories tall? I think not. Look at him. He thinks he's a criminal mastermind, but he takes orders from some doofus who talks to his cigarette, and when he was told to get some camouflage jumpsuits, all he could dig up was some mechanics' coveralls with grease stains on them. And he calls you a fool! You know you only took this lame gig so you could earn enough dough to move out of your mom's basement and maybe have a little extra left over to self-publish that book of poems you wrote that's going to change the world! You know that.
- I'm okay, you're a fool: now we're talkin'! To quote an old Amerikanski song (I think), "buck up, Billy-boy!" Stage a bloody coup and kick your oppressor to the curb! (That's assuming you can even find a curb, since you seem to be trapped in a maze of blank walls. But still.)
Once you understand these four principles, you're well on your way to living a richer, more fulfilling life, away from the pointy metal claws and searing eyebeams of those who would oppose you.
And don't forget to check out my comrade Lucie's newest self-help book, "Smart Drivers, Stupid Passengers."