Thursday, October 04, 2007

Barefoot in the Dark

Last time, we learned that although a theater-destroying blaze was imminent, Peter Parker just couldn't change into his Spider-Man costume! But why? WHY?!


Now that Peter's got his trusty spring-loaded coke spoon at the ready, he can take care of bidness! (Hey, it was 1980. They gave those things out when you opened a new checking account.)

Fortunately for Peter, it would still be many years before the premieres of "Phantom of the Opera" and "Miss Saigon", so he doesn't have to worry about an audience filled with people anxiously scanning the ceiling, waiting for something to drop on top of them. Nobody will see him swing into action!


And mysteriously, Peter teased his nerdball "subway barber" haircut into a perfectly awesome pompadour, and even grew his sideburns a couple of inches longer through sheer force of will. (Meh. I can do that.) Hell, who needs a costume when you can instantly "trade up" in the facial hair department? So long, plain Peter Parker and hello, Spider-Elvis! He's got rhinestone-studded web-shooters and he's on the prowl for some peanut butter 'n' banana wheatcakes!

Below, the audience collectively faints from the smells of toenail fungus and Gold Bond powder.


Johnathan said...

That hair is pretty bitchin'. Why don't more heroes have pompadours?

Anonymous said...

Don't you think the audience might notice him when he lands on the stage to save the day? Why not just run down the aisle and put out the fire as everyday Peter Parker? Nobody cares who you are when you prevent them from dying a fiery death, really. Not even a formerly impressive X-Men villain!

Heck, Debby might even crack a smile. And her parka!! Especially when she gets a load of that hair.

Sorry. I should rephrase that in Spidey-speak. Debby might even crack a smile. And her parka!! Especially when she gets a load of that hair.

Stephen R. said...

Now, THAT is what I call a super power!!!! If I could go from "flat and nerdy" to "Big, boucin' & behavin'" that quickly, I'd be gettin' laid 24/7!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jonathan: They don't have the imagination, my friend. That's why I'm here!

Anonymous: Now you're getting the hang of it.

Stephen: Jiffy Pop hair, ACTIVATE!