Last time, we learned that although a theater-destroying blaze was imminent, Peter Parker just couldn't change into his Spider-Man costume! But why? WHY?!
Now that Peter's got his trusty spring-loaded coke spoon at the ready, he can take care of bidness! (Hey, it was 1980. They gave those things out when you opened a new checking account.)
Fortunately for Peter, it would still be many years before the premieres of "Phantom of the Opera" and "Miss Saigon", so he doesn't have to worry about an audience filled with people anxiously scanning the ceiling, waiting for something to drop on top of them. Nobody will see him swing into action!
And mysteriously, Peter teased his nerdball "subway barber" haircut into a perfectly awesome pompadour, and even grew his sideburns a couple of inches longer through sheer force of will. (Meh. I can do that.) Hell, who needs a costume when you can instantly "trade up" in the facial hair department? So long, plain Peter Parker and hello, Spider-Elvis! He's got rhinestone-studded web-shooters and he's on the prowl for some peanut butter 'n' banana wheatcakes!
Below, the audience collectively faints from the smells of toenail fungus and Gold Bond powder.