Thursday, October 04, 2007

Spider-Man: Never Nude


He can't change to his Spidey suit--? Is he kiddin'? He wears those obnoxiously-colored footie pajamas under everything, all day, every day! How else is he going to get into some tired "secret identity" jam that continuously destroys his pathetic attempts at a social life? For example...
Setting: Manhattan, the late 1970's, in a line outside a disco

Mary Jane: I still can't believe we're getting into the trendiest night-spot in town!

Glory: It's all a matter of who you know! The proper connections are so very important in life... like my new fella, Josh!

Josh: She means it helps if you have a boyfriend who won them in a radio contest.

Mary Jane: Either way, I just can't wait to get my Tiger out on the dance floor! It's been simply ages since we've gone anywhere, and I'm going to make him Hustle 'til it hurts! Right, Peter?

Peter: Anything for you, M.J.!

Peter [thinks]:That bouncer... he's frisking all the patrons before he lets them inside! What if he feels my web-shooters... or somehow gets a glimpse of my Spider-Man costume? It'll be "Goodbye, Web-Slinger!" I've got to think of something... and fast!

Peter: M.J., I just remembered... it's Aunt May's birthday, and I still haven't gotten her a card! I've got to run! Oh, and I'll be also be busy the entire rest of this evening. Seeya! [sprints away at spider-speed]

Mary Jane: But--!

Josh: Wow. Your boyfriend's kind of a douche.
Aaaand SCENE. So why wouldn't Peter be wearing it now? Unless... ye gads, he thinks he's gonna score tonight! With Deborah Whitman! Because nothing primes a gal for hot bedroom action like watching a green man hypnotize people into acting like chickens.


Nate said...

Lab Assistant Deborah is always at the top of my list for girls Peter was trying to get with. Nerdy, smart. Just what the boy needed.

Though my all time fave will forever be Candy, the next door neighbor that hung out on the roof waiting for Peter to climb through the skylight and "hold" her each night at sunset.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

This could be one of the 48 times that Pete gave up being Spidey and threw the costume in a trash can in an alley.

And if he's nere nude, does he wear his blue jean shorts under his costume? Wouldn't that look kind of odd to have it bulging out around his blue jean short area?

Anonymous said...

Gasp! If he can't doff back into his Spider-Man costume (and I think Jon's right, and right out the back door there's a Spider-Man No More caption box swinging from a fire escape), maybe he can find some mysterious way to hide his identity and save the day!

Or maybe just tell an usher. Usually, they don't want to burn to death any more than the audience.

NB: I may find something more interesting to say after I stop laughing at Josh's reaction to the situation. Josh should be part of Spidey's supporting cast, effective immediately!

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's time to break out another paper bag.

I dunno, but it seems it'd be easier to just carry a few in your back pocket, just in case.

Phillip said...

gyuss baltar

Also, don't forget that Candy came with Randi & Bambi IIRC. Stews!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Gyuss: I couldn't agree with you more about Deborah. Hey! Maybe Deborah Whitman is the secret reason behind Quesada's elaborate dismantling of Peter's marriage! Me, I would have solved things in one panel: Peter shamefacedly announces to M.J., "Dearest, I just banged Deborah Whitman." M.J. is so repulsed (due to her otherworldly Supermodel's Sense of Propriety) that she throws Peter out on his ass, thus leaving him free to download computer porn (a.k.a. Quesada's "dream plot") and, occasionally, bang Deborah Whitman (when she's not busy uploading computer porn).

Jon: Nothing ever bulges around Spider-Man's "blue jeans short area."

Anonymous: Heh. I'm surprised New York doesn't have dedicated "super-hero costume disposal receptacles" in every back alley.

Chawunky: Aw, man... thanks for bringing that up. And remember the German Halloween costume with "Die Spinne" written on the back?

Philip: What th'? Obviously, I let my subscription run out at the wrong time.