Friday, October 05, 2007

Deborah Whitman, This Will Be Your Life

as207somethinterrible

I guess boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses! They just invite them as "dates" to Broadway shows. Wise up, Deborah! Pete doesn't have any exam to study for! He's making a bee-line straight for the nearest leather bar... where he will be "tested" by a guy named "Bone-Breaker."

(Meanwhile, an unemployed Dan Didio is forced to peddle his comic book ideas on the streets.)

as207certainlynotunusual

Poor Deborah is so busy marinating in her own self-pity that she doesn't even notice who's sitting just across the aisle from her. No, it's not Estelle Parsons of "Roseanne" fame. It's the Spirit of Future Deborah Whitman! Oh, if only Deborah would take heed of this crocheted-hatted omen before it's too late! Check it out, Deborah... this is you in twenty years: your hair prematurely gray and styled in the classic "I don't give a shit anymore" tomboy cut favored by nihilistic grannies, your "signature" white scarf tattered and mended so many times it's barely long enough to qualify as a choker, your Harvest Gold wardrobe darkened by age and windblown grave soil into a dull orange, a teeny flowered hat and a scruffy fur collar the only signifiers of your gender, and riding a bus for all eternity. Sure, you won't need glasses anymore, but that's only because you'll be blind from reading Harlequin romances all day long. Get off the bus, Deborah! Get off and live!

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. She's Iron Man whiny! That poor black guy is about to get put in a headlock by her mere self-pity!

Run Fossil-Deborah, run! And take that gigantic centipede that's eaten your brain with you!

(Dan Didio. Snicker. I have to admit, though, that's certainly a sales pitch that would get me to look twice.)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Deb's this close to being really good looking, you know. They need to do one of those makeover montages where her hottie girlfriend pulls Deb's glasses off, then gives her a hip hairstyle, makeup, and cool clothes. If movies in the last 20 years have taught me anything, it's that the frumpy nerdy girl is just one makeover away from being the jaw dropping beauty that any man would desire.

Chance said...

Dan Didio. Oh snap! One of your best lines.

Kon-El said...

That's a good place for Dan, Or maybe he could work as A pinata?

LurkerWithout said...

So mutants are feared and hated everywhere except on Broadway?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I think I can understand that, Lurker. It's like I wouldn't neccecerily want a donkey walking around my living room and yet I might go see a show featuring one.

Johnathan said...

I don't know... a living room donkey sounds pretty fun...

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Good evening, welcome to my party let me take your coat. Drinks are at the bar, hors d'eouvers are on the buffet, and over in the corner is our living room donkey.

Blockade Boy said...

Anonymous: Giant centipede? Maybe it's not Future Deborah after all, but a really lost Future Zatanna. !ssap sub emoceb repparw muG

Jon: And every time Deborah was about to put her hair down and ditch the glasses, Mary Jane would step in front of her and unbutton her blouse another tad.

Chance and Kon-El: Thanks! Sometimes bitterness makes for the best comedy!

Lurker Without and Jon: I guess it's like Patton Oswald's joke about redneck conservatives only condoning gay sex in the context of Cirque du Soleil.

Jonathan and Jan: Settle down, you little scamps.

MaGnUs said...

If she gets that makeover, she should keep the glasses. Chicks with glasses are hot.

And what the hell is Lando Calrissian doing there?

Blockade Boy said...

On the run from the Empire, apparently. Little does he know, the bus driver is a Sith Lord.