Thursday, January 24, 2008

Diagonally! Pretty Sneaky, Don Newton!

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Take that, Michael Golden commission artwork! Always taunting me--!

But wait! How did General Angst get Tub to finally go batshit over Batman? For the answer, we'll have to move northeast on the page. Because Young Don Newton had an annoying habit of playing "pin the tail on the donkey" with his panels.

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In the upper left-hand corner, we have Tub and General Angst reenacting half of a Beatles album cover, or maybe they're in a Bergman film. Next to that we have a dynamic shot of Tub, The Mortal Plastic Fist, letting fly with a plastic-reinforced, severed-nerve-trunked haymaker. (And say what you will about Tub's dopey mug, I think he has a pretty mouth. A real pretty mouth.)

And in the lower right-hand corner, Alfred's had no luck with his attempts to keep Batman entertained, which include playing "air piano" and wearing a big novelty bow-tie -- that spins! Nope, even though Batman's mysterious illness -- a syphilis-style STD caught from a dalliance with Doctor Double X -- has eaten away at his left eyeball, he's still going out to battle crime. And sure, he'll end up flying the Batplane around and around in a big circle, and he'll crash into walls and gargoyles and giant props and shit. But at least it's better than watching Alfred perform "Crocodile Rock" for the seventeenth time.

7 comments:

spazmo said...

Despite the gaping hole in his ocular orbit, Batman still looks mighty buff.

Tragically for Bruce, Tub's been sharply honing his skullfuckery skills.

Anonymous said...

Spazmo: They made illegal recently.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/live_from_congress_the_skull

Tub really has become evil!

I kind of like that Bergman panel. Angst is blue, representing his severe, overriding depression caused by his many, many, many (many) failures in life. He hovers over his creation like the little devil on Tub's shoulder. Notice how he's surrounded by darkness? He's stepping into the shadows, and making Tub his new face for the world. He thinks Tub's new found strength will make him respected...maybe even loved, and by extension, Angst himself would be respected and loved by proxy.

Angst is a truly tragic figure.

-Phil

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Tub goes all ape poopy just because he wants to be loved?

Jeez, a wallet full of cash in a boys town bar will give him the same results.

Bill S. said...

I prefer to believe that Bruce is taking his Underoos off, rather than putting them on.

"Get your scrawny ass over here and give Master Bruce some sugar!"

Also, how did ET's hand get into the panel?

LurkerWithout said...

You know, if Tub were to get some Muttonchops and a handlebar 'stache, I think he might be the perfect boy toy for a certain futuristic wall creating ex-legionairre, ex-pirate, private dick...

Blockade Boy said...

*wipes away drool*

I'm sorry; could you repeat that? Over and over?

Blockade Boy said...

Aw, heck. I forgot I hadn't replied to the first four commenters yet. Here goes!

Spazmo: I guess General Angst found a use for the other employees of "Mercenaries, Incorporated" after all.

Phil: I understand that this story was later adapted for film, as the Adam Sandler vehicle, "Big Daddy."

Jon: I'm afraid Tub doesn't have the confidence to pull that off. He'd get the Tusker Treatment: kick 'im in the 'nads and steal his wallet.

Bill S.: "How did ET's hand get into that panel?" Haw! Transporter malfunction!