Lastikman's Checkered Past

According to the International Heroes website, one of the most popular heroes in the Phillipines is that stretchable sleuth, "Lastikman"! (Not to be confused with the Longatedman or Isterfantastik.) All kidding aside, I think he's kinda cool! Oh, not to worry, though. This isn't going to be one of those "mildly amusing" posts where I compliment something. Well, not just that, anyhow. Indulge me until about halfway through, when I get to the movie costumes! YEAHHH, BROTHER! *rubs hands together in anticipation*

Awright! This costume breaks several of my own rules for costume design, but it somehow still works. Normally, I'd hate that it...

1. Has "overpants", i.e. trunks worn over tights.
2. Exposes the hands.
3. Uses a strong color like red in seemingly just one location. (I can't find a color picture of the boots in the costume.)

What ties it all together, for me, is the black. There's just so danged much of it! Seriously. I'm all agog! But by using a strong neutral (like black or white) for the majority of your costume, you can get away with using primaries (unadulterated red, yellow, or blue) as your accent colors. Plus, the go-go chex of the top give this costume such a fun, Silver Age feel, I just can't stay mad at it! In fact, I wanna give Lastikman a big ol' bear hug! C'mere, you! ...Hang on. Whaddaya want, Gadfly Lad?

...Oh.

Gadfly Lad just informed me (with excruciating detail) that Lastikman's costume is "a part of him" and "he can't remove it." Which means there's zero chance of my ham-like hands snaking their way underneath it, to toy with his nipples. Hell, it means he has no nipples! ACK! Excuse me, I feel a tad queasy.

...That's better.

A bonus of the checkered pattern is that it looks great in black-and-white! Yes, even when escaping Playskool's My First Jail, Lastikman is the very picture of super-hero casual chic!

Recently, Lastikman appeared in a one-shot that gave him a fresh new look:

Holy cats! Did I design this? *racks brain, comes up with nothin'* Yeah, probably not. I LOVE THIS COSTUME. Kicky boots? Yup! Pants instead of tights? Damn skippy! Nifty belt? Hells yeah! Short-sleeved top with a strong geometric pattern! Sweet? Mussable, two-tone hair? Yes, please! A mask that-- okay, so I'm not really fond of the mask. I wanna put it in a terrarium and make it fight Kyle Rayner's mask. To the death. But I like the idea of it, and I get the sense that maybe it's mobile, and changes shape to match his expression. So I'll give it a pass.

Okay, enough fawning. Let's get to the part where I spray my contempt all over something.

Make way for... MOVIE COSTUMES! Oh, and I know this won't do a damn bit of good, but I'd like all the folks who are complaining about the "Watchmen" costumes to remember these crap-ass Lastikman outfits, so they can get a sense of GODDAMN PERSPECTIVE. I know, I know. Like I should give a shit about what other people think. And normally, that kind of purse-lipped fanboy aesthetic priggery makes me laugh, but the fact that folks are so up-in-arms over what seem to me like some very well-designed outfits... well, it just gets in my goat's craw. I have news for you, fanboys: no super-hero movie is ever going to meet your expectations. It's impossible. So don't watch them! Don't read articles about them. Don't write blog posts about them! Just accept that no studio or director is ever going to film your exact vision of what your favorite hero should be. Don't wallow in negative energy. Move on, get out of the house once in a while, and live! LIVE, DAMN YOU! I'm saying this to you because I care. You're like sons to me! *slaps your bottoms, playfully* Now get outta here, you lugs! Kidding. Come back! I have more things to say! I'll stop lecturing you. Honest. I feel better now. Just had to vent.

ONWARD!

Be honest. If you saw this picture with no context, you'd think it was from a menswear catalog. From 1964. Admit it. He looks like he's wearing a cardigan! And it was knitted by an aunt on his wife's side, and he actually hates the damn thing, but the wife is making him wear it because they're visiting the aunt today, in another town, and it's a five-hour drive, and it's like 72 degrees outside, and he's burning up, and the wool itches like crazy, but the wife insists he wear the sweater for the duration of the car ride, just in case one of her friends sees them, and he can't turn the a.c. on, because she's wearing shorts, and he tries to remember a time when she wasn't a controlling harpy, but he can't, and he starts to wonder if he was just so goddamn horny during their brief courtship that he didn't even notice, and suddenly he's seized by an impulse to drive the car off the side of a cliff.

...I've been told I may have "intimacy issues." BALDERDASH! *flop-sweats*

Saved by the Bell: the Filipino Years!

See what I mean about movie costumes? And this top doesn't even have as much patterning as the original! On a teeny comic panel, you can get away with go-go chex a-plenty, but on an actual human being, it makes the eyeballs burn. But my main problem is with his haircut. It's really pretty amazing, as it's both unflattering and makes him look like a douche. The Schrute-tastic styling of the bangs giganto-sizes his smooth forehead and says, "Let's hop in my Trans-Am!" while the mini-mullet in the back says, "Only we can't actually go anywhere 'cause it's up on blocks. In my front yard."

And finally, we have the best of a tragically bad lot:

Well, he's in better shape than the other two guys. I'll give him that.

I don't care that they made the checks blue, to tone down the contrast. There's still too damn many of 'em! But mainly, I hate the mask. It's too big! And the way it's designed, it makes his face look like it's all squished down on his head. *takes a good, long look at it* Oh, wait. His face is all squished down on his head! My bad. But still, that's why he should have gone with a smaller mask.

Golly, but that costume looks familiar.

Huh.