Thursday, July 12, 2007

From the Archives of the "Skartaris Times-Tribune":

s183tothecenteroftheearthTHERA MOURNS LOSS OF HIGH PRIEST
As the week-long funeral ceremony of popular Theran High Priest Seraphos comes to an end, the citizens of that city-state are still baffled as to the cause of his death. The cleric was found dead in his office on May 3rd in what local guardsmen are terming a homicide. In a statement given to scribes yesterday, Chief Guardsman Brutalos said that his department had no leads in the case as of yet, and that the crime scene showed no signs of forced entry, save for a small hole in the ceiling, a second one in the floor, and a third running the length of Seraphos' body. With no official answer, conspiracy theorists are actively circulating their scrolls, including one that claims Seraphos was felled by a "magic missile sent down by a capricious boy-god and an orange-haired gorgon in a metal mask."

In his all-too-brief career, Seraphos dedicated himself to ridding Thera of the strife and poverty that had plagued it for centuries. He brokered peace treaties among warring local tribes, raised funds for schools and hospitals, ended the local custom that allowed any victim of a bad break-up to punch his or her ex-lover in the face up to three times without reprisal, and freed all ponies from servitude. He was especially hailed for his "Puppies for Orphans" program, in which suitably adorable orphans are given equally lovable dogs. The orphans may then use the canines for companionship, transportation, racing, gladiatorial combat, or food.

Theran law dictates that Seraphos be succeeded by Thera's Archdeacon Deimos, who made his first public address this morning. (See related story in crumbling yellow parchment scroll 6F, "Theran High Priest Promises 'New Skartaran Order.'")

6 comments:

Gyuss Baaltar said...

To the center of the earth? It's a good thing we don't have anything else in the world that is two tons. Otherwise it would all sink straight through the crust.

Sleestak said...

Bwah ha ha, I say!

Bill S. said...

I just want to slap Superboy upside the head with a science textbook. I bet he also believes that the two-ton pea kept on going through the center of the earth, coming out somewhere in China.

That said, the "Puppies for Orphans" program made me laugh. Otherwise, everything I know about Skartaris I learned from watching JLU.

LurkerWithout said...

Its good to know that anything that goes wrong in the DCU can be blamed on some version of Clark Kent...

That whiny little ponce...

Chawunky said...

One also wonders how many starships on diplomatic or mercy missions young Clark destroyed tossing baseballs out of orbit.

I mean, you know Earth is like a huge Stuckey's on the side of a major galactic thoroughfare...

Blockade Boy said...

I swear to the Luck Lords I posted a comment replying to everybody else's comments last night and now it's gone. Or maybe I forgot to publish it. I dunno. The main point of it was I tried to make a love connection between the short-haired American twin of Sleestak's lady-friend and Tusker. Which would have ended in tragedy (for Tusker) so it's probably best we just forget the whole thing. Ah, well.