Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Less than Zero

That's how I felt when I read all those hateful comments about myself and my awesome new threads.

Uh, Storm Boy here. Although I guess I should have started with that. See what you're doing to me? I'm a wreck! And it's all your fault! First off? YES I'm a little heavier than the other guys on the H.M.S. Exquisite. But for starters? I'm way thinner than I used to be. I'm on this amazing new liquid diet where the pounds just disappear (along with many of my memories of ever having them)! So I'm not hunkalicious as of yet. SO WHAT. And for one thing? I bet a lot of you dudes don't look so hot yourself.

...You do look so hot yourself?


Okay. To begin with? That drawing Blockade Boy did of me? Was totally unfair. And not accurate at all. He exaggerates! And he's like, my best pal in the entire universe but the poor dope fancies himself a "social realist" like Goya when in reality he's more like Don Martin from "Mad Magazine." I mean, SERIOUSLY. Look at this guy!


I've never seen this person before in my life. I mean, that sweaty-looking space-carney up there? With the bags under his eyes and the flabby arms and the icky smirk on his face? The one who looks like Johnny Knoxville plus a hundred pounds and minus all his muscle tone? That's not who I see when I look in a mirror. No sir.

This is who I see when I look in a mirror!



The above is a sample of my own artwork, a-thank-you very much. Yeah, I like to do self-portraits sometimes.

No kidding, I see this guy in reflective surfaces a lot and I sure as shit hope it's me, because he's wearing my clothes! God damn but I look fine. Dig the hot pink power sword! Okay, so I don't actually own one of those. But I always wanted one. (Only without the ginormous human ear on the hilt. I'm not sure what that's all about.)

I anxiously await your various apologies.


Dave said...

Errm... I take it the shiny parts of the interior of the Exquisite are all concave?

Bill S. said...

1. Storm Boy, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I actually like the new outfit very much.

2. If you're going to continue wearing a green outfit, ease up on the hooch. It makes your nose light up like Rudolph.

3. The helmet still looks like Mantis's helmet to me. The Kirby one, not the chick with the antenna, obviously. This isn't a bad thing, I'm just sayin'.

4. Don't let the twinks on the Exquisite get you down. Surely there are chasers in the future! Hon, if Bouncing Boy could get some action, you should totally be able to get some. You have it all over that guy, what with your new costume and that neat little storm cloud you got going. You need to get out of the cabin more often, go to the Space-Eagle Bar or something. You deserve better than just memories of Dynamo Boy. In fact, I have a pamphlet here about body dysmorphia I want you to read...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

It looks OK, I guess. Does your mouth move out of sync with what you're saying, though?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Dave: Well, it is a spaceship, my friend!

Bill S.: I'm happy to report that Storm Boy was mightily cheered by your apology! I'm not sure if it's the best idea to take someone in Storm Boy's condition to a bar but I'll definitely see about hooking him up with one of those holo-dating sites. *whistles "Love is in the Air"*

Jon: Yeah, that generally happens no matter what.

Jon said...

Wait, so did Dr Wily build Storm Boy? Will he spend a few years rescuing Mega Man X from evil robots before starring in mediocre Game Boy Advance titles?

Bill S. said...

Yeah, the bar thing occurred to me me after the fact. But surely there's a wallyball team he can join, or something!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: In reality? No. In Storm Boy's brain? Quite possible!

Bill S.: Hey, yeah! Or maybe water polo? Storm Boy does possess a natural buoyancy... of spirit! Of spirit! I'll take the liberty of signing him up for a league.

Anonymous said...

Hey Storm Boy. The outfit is nice. I dig the goggles.

But I have to tell ya: that long hair is doing you no favors. Yes, it sweeps dramatically and I'm sure it looks cool in action sequences, but it also screams "I drive a space-Camaro with the backseat full of empty space-beer cans." In 21st-century parlance, it's giving you Heinous Mullet Action.

If you want to show off the auburn color, you could always do a cutout on the top of the cowl. Maybe with a nice brush cut? Possibly a mohawk of some kind, a sort of Roman helmet effect?

Oh, and may I suggest a long soul patch to go with the mustache? It's a fine mustache, you don't want to lose it, but on its own it's a little... child-molestery, if you know what I mean. But add something on the chin and you've got a sort of trident shape that echoes the great silhouette of your power sword!

Don't get me wrong, you're rockin' those calf spats, shoulder guards, and head-wing... things. It's a good outfit! It just needs a couple tweaks.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Those are some damn fine ideas, my friend! I'll pass them along to Storm Boy. The next time he's sober. So... October, maybe?

MaGnUs said...

Storm Boy, Loki called, he needs his spare costume by 5 PM. Also, are you a 1990s Legionnaire? Manga LSH is sooooo out... well, it was never in, for me.

And don't worry about the extra pounds, you're not alone there