Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The Red Metal Boot Diaries


"No... falling civilian too leggy... rack too pert and alluring... must... concentrate... modulate repulsor rays... to cradle her... NOOOO!!! ...Her ass--! Too luscious--! Overpowering me! ...Must make her forget dillweed caveman boyfriend... fly her down to Bahamas for intimate weekend... coconut oils... edible bikinis... make love atop beached dolphin-- MUST CONCENTRATE ON SAVING LIVES! ...No good... aw, the hell with it... blacking out..."

Okay, Tony... the suit is losing power, but you're the one "blacking out." What is that, the "dog ate my homework" excuse for high-tech rummies?


Dave said...

Four panels to put the suit on.

Four panels of repulsor-zapping later, and Iron Man's out of power and about to keel over dead.

Old-school Iron Man is a very frustrating read. You wonder why he bothers.

Especially when, say, pushing over one of the ramps to let the people climb down probably would have been more effective in terms of actually saving lives.

Nate said...

I remember a day when a super-hero could be expected to do something as little as rescue people from a collapsing balcony without getting the vapors.

Bill S. said...

He's blaming the suit, but I think it might have more to do with the Everclear martini he downed before donning his battle gear...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...


Gotta save the pixshies!


Jeremy Rizza said...

Dave: Dang it, your comment brought up one of the points of a post I'd already written but hadn't published yet. Not that I'm going to bother changing it. Great minds think alike, I guess! And if he'd created a ramp, those weirdos on the balcony probably would have just continued dancing down the damn thing. And then they'd dance back up again, and then down and so on until the entire building was a pile of rubble.

Gyuss Baaltar: And if super-heroes even bother with such a mundane rescue operation nowadays they have to make sardonic, assholish comments the whole time and make the victims feel like complete jerks. (Or am I only thinking of the Legion that one time when they rescued me from an upended portable toilet?)

Bill S.: Sometimes I think Iron Man should just go ahead and wear one of those double-beer helmets with the straws.

Jon: Oh, so you figured out this entire story is revealed to be a booze-fueled dream sequence in the last panel? ...Oops. Spoiler alert! (Kidding. Not that it's much better.)

Anonymous said...

Next issue: Tony has to whiz like a racehorse, so he blames the suit's failing fluid exchange system.

Ironically, the verification word is igupee. Yes, really.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Haw! And when Cap notices yellow fluid cascading like a waterfall through the louvered vents in his segmented Underoos, he'll mumble something about a "coolant leakage" and then stumble away all knock-kneed (or else pass out).