Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Legion of Substitute Costumes: Tusker


How do you solve a problem like Tusker? Sure, he got rejected for Legion membership during the oppressive Dynamo-Boy Administration. And that evil little turd was rejecting some solid candidates, like the dreamy Animal Lad. "The" Tusker, however, was not a solid candidate.


The real Legion would have bounced his sorry ass out of there in a Rimbor minute with their classic "out-of-control powers" excuse. And in Tusker's case, it would actually be a legitimate complaint!

("Great stars!" gasps Overbite Kid. "His fangs are extending to fantastic length, l-like an elephant's tusks!" I suppose I should mention here that elephants can do that in my era, what with roughly 1,000 years of evolution to work with. I watched a remake of "Dumbo" the other day. It's now a horror film. Makes "Hostel" look like "Pippi Longstocking." Which is admittedly a lateral move.)

So what could I do with Tusker? And I do mean "Tusker" without the pretentious fratboy "the" in front of his name. No way I'm calling him that. And when I catch him calling himself that, I hasten to remind him that he's "a" Tusker, and that's about it. And then I give him a friendly slap on the ass to show I'm not cross with him. Anyway, how could I make the big dumb lug at least halfway cool, much less halfway viable as a superhero? I gotta admit, it was a struggle. I tried dressing him for the tundra, complete with a parka and Captain Cold goggles. No dice. At one point I actually had him walk around in a floor-length mink coat, with a big silk top hat tilted rakishly on his dopey noggin. (I kid you not, and I honestly don't know what came over me.) Finally I settled on just armoring Tusker up. Like my idea for Stone Boy, only with far less skin, therefore laser-blasting every atom of sex appeal to smithereens. Am I repeating myself? Haw! The very notion! Shame on you! Because I gave the armored suit a little thematic twist and a very special weapons system I had Storm Boy whip up during one of his rare sober periods!


The armor is painted in shades of red, the better to show off the gleaming white tusk motif. And also, it looks like the inside of a mouth. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Details? The visor is still based on Captain Cold's Inuit-styled shades. And with such a walrus-like henchman, I couldn't resist making him grow what used to be called "friendly muttonchops." Those are the kind that meet over the lip to form a mustache. Like they're shaking hands, I guess. But wait, what's that peculiar contraption emerging from his glove? It's a high-tech, thought-activated dental tool, buddy! There are different tools for yanking out different types of teeth, and they're all contained in those gloves. Now when Tusker gets in a scrap with a fabric store security guard (or whoever else is keeping me from taking the sewing supplies that are rightfully mine) he can commemorate his victory by collecting one of his vanquished foe's molars! I think Tusker is really getting into his new hobby -- not that he's been any less sullen or taciturn since I gave him the new costume, but the Tupperware containers of bloody teeth have sure been piling up in his cabin!


Michael said...

If only Tusker had teeth come out of his hands, rather than his mouth. Then he could have been Wolverine.

I think Tusker should team up with Tusky.

Bill S. said...

I'm really curious about Pimp-Tusker now. Would that mean that Infectious Lass would tart it up like a hooker?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

A tarted up Infectious Lass?

I am intrigued.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Michael: I'm still trying to figure out a way to clone Tusky Husky as a sidekick for him. So far all that's crawled out of the birthtube is a slightly bucktoothed chihuahua.

Bill: I'm sorry, but where in space did you pick up "pimp" anywhere in my post?! I'm baffled! Was it the top hat? Because my design had him looking more like a 19th Century railroad baron, with a huge overcoat with a beaver collar (which is admittedly a bit pimpy).

Jon: You mean tarted up more than usual?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Bill: Just reread my own post and ah-HA! The "floor-length mink coat" must've done it. I'd totally forgotten about that... it was a last-minute substitute for the coat with the beaver collar. Because I have to struggle to avoid being someone's "straight man." ...Damn it, I just did it again! Heck. Just ignore this whole comment.

MaGnUs said...

He looks like Woody Woodpecker's neighbor Wally Walrus is going rollerballing. But I like it!

And for a moment there, I thought he was sticking his tusks through a a conduit in his arm to shoot them from his wrist... weird...

[unwanted anecdote time] Kind of reminds me the time when, roleplaying (not that kind of roleplaying) a friend of mine created a character that emanated different kind of gases (sleeping, poison, laughing, etc) through a pair of holes in his neck.

Of course, that wasn't very practical, so I gave him a costume with tubes plugged into the neck-holes, that went down his shoulders and arms, into very practical nuzzles in his wrists, so he could shoot the gases without inhaling them himself.

He insisted that his character's codename was "Smog"; but of course, we all called him "Fart Boy." [/unwanted anecdote time]

Jeremy Rizza said...

Haw! Although I'm still trying to figure out why the gas would emerge from his neck to begin with. What the hell--?!

MaGnUs said...

Gak, I thought I'd answered this... my friend put the gas holes in the neck in the true and tried Marvel tradition of uncomfortable mutations, or, as in Spider-Man (as he later gained organic webbing), and Spider-Man 2099, shoot their webs from their wrists, and not their asses.