Stage Two Drunkenness: "The Benefactor"
Iron Man: Hey! Hey, guys! What's up, buddies?Stage Three Drunkenness: "The Lothario"
Slasher: You! Stand back! I'll use my eyes--!
Iron Man [picks up the transmitter, vigorously shakes it]: This broke or sumpin'? Don't worry, I can totally fix it for you. Didja know, did I ever tell you before, I gots my own technology company? I think. I'm like a total expert on these things. Say, what's this do? [presses sequence of buttons]
Slasher: Don't touch that, you fool--!
[They're all vaporized by a small nuclear explosion]
Iron Man: Well, hello there, flyboy! I got iron in my pants and I want to dance!Stage Four Drunkenness: "The Patriotic Homophobe"
Iron Man [seizes Slasher and does wild "Lindy hop" with him around the alley, swinging his body around like a rag doll]: You like polka dots baby? 'Cause I know who I'd like to "polka"...
Slasher: Let go of me, you fool!
Iron Man: Hang on, gorgeous, this next move's a little tricky...
[He tosses Slasher in the air but is distracted by a shiny new nickel and forgets to catch him. Slasher lands on the transmitter, setting off a small nuclear explosion.]
Iron Man: Two guys in an alley... in matching jumpsuits?! Aw, hells no.Stage Five Drunkenness: "The Bitter A-hole" (note: this is often indistinguishable from Stage Four)
Iron Man: What the fuck kind of accent is that? What're you, a Russkie? Zero tolerance, motherfucker! [He incinerates both Slasher and Demitrius while chanting "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.--!"]
Iron Man: Goddamn it, now what? I suppose I gotta fly down there now and "do something"... Christ, why does it always have to be me?Stage Six Drunkenness: "The Vegetative Stagesman" (reserved and dignified, yet barely conscious, prone to propping self up in large chairs and occasionally waving or nodding to people)
Iron Man: Yeah, "me." It's always goddamn "me", goddamn it! D.C.'s a big town; why can't they get their own goddman superhero? Huh? Answer me that!
Slasher: I must use... my eyes! [He fires laser beams at Iron Man, creating a couple of small, smoking pock-marks in his chestplate]
Iron Man [looks down at damaged chestplate, sighs]: Oh, that tears it.
Slasher: You'll never take us into police custody! So swears the--
Iron Man: Yeah, you got that shit right. [He incinerates Slasher and Demitrius. Then he stands there for a while, looking warily around at the depressing alleyway, at the Capital Building in the distance, and at the moist Washington sky.] Aw, what's the goddamn point? [He twists one of his hip-frisbees a few degrees, setting off a small nuclear explosion]
Slasher: It's Iron Man! And he's headed right for us! Stand back, you fool! He's raised his arm and is going to use his repulsor beams! I must wait until he gets within range of... my eyes! ...He's not firing his repulsor beams! He-- he seems to be... giving us a "thumbs-up"?! He's not slowing down! Run, Demitrius! He's about to--[Iron Man plows into the alleyway, setting off a small nuclear explosion]