Friday, September 07, 2007

Just Six More Panels 'Til Lobstertime

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Luckily for Slasher, Iron Man is only in the first stage of drunkenness: the "light-hearted, irreverent life-of-the-party" stage. (That's the stage Dean Martin hovered around for most of his benighted existence.) Things might've gone a lot worse if Iron Man had chanced upon them in one of his other five stages of drunkenness. (Depending on the intelligence of the individual, one can experience up to ten distinct stages of drunkenness. Brainiac 5 is rumored to go through thirty-eight stages of drunkenness, Storm Boy has nine stages and Tusker has one-half.) I ran a computer simulation, and here are stages two through six of Iron Man's drunkenness:

Stage Two Drunkenness: "The Benefactor"
Iron Man: Hey! Hey, guys! What's up, buddies?

Slasher: You! Stand back! I'll use my eyes--!

Iron Man [picks up the transmitter, vigorously shakes it]: This broke or sumpin'? Don't worry, I can totally fix it for you. Didja know, did I ever tell you before, I gots my own technology company? I think. I'm like a total expert on these things. Say, what's this do? [presses sequence of buttons]

Slasher: Don't touch that, you fool--!

[They're all vaporized by a small nuclear explosion]
Stage Three Drunkenness: "The Lothario"
Iron Man: Well, hello there, flyboy! I got iron in my pants and I want to dance!

Slasher: You!

Iron Man [seizes Slasher and does wild "Lindy hop" with him around the alley, swinging his body around like a rag doll]: You like polka dots baby? 'Cause I know who I'd like to "polka"...

Slasher: Let go of me, you fool!

Iron Man: Hang on, gorgeous, this next move's a little tricky...

[He tosses Slasher in the air but is distracted by a shiny new nickel and forgets to catch him. Slasher lands on the transmitter, setting off a small nuclear explosion.]
Stage Four Drunkenness: "The Patriotic Homophobe"
Iron Man: Two guys in an alley... in matching jumpsuits?! Aw, hells no.

Slasher: You!

Iron Man: What the fuck kind of accent is that? What're you, a Russkie? Zero tolerance, motherfucker! [He incinerates both Slasher and Demitrius while chanting "U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.--!"]
Stage Five Drunkenness: "The Bitter A-hole" (note: this is often indistinguishable from Stage Four)
Iron Man: Goddamn it, now what? I suppose I gotta fly down there now and "do something"... Christ, why does it always have to be me?

Slasher: You!

Iron Man: Yeah, "me." It's always goddamn "me", goddamn it! D.C.'s a big town; why can't they get their own goddman superhero? Huh? Answer me that!

Slasher: I must use... my eyes! [He fires laser beams at Iron Man, creating a couple of small, smoking pock-marks in his chestplate]

Iron Man [looks down at damaged chestplate, sighs]: Oh, that tears it.

Slasher: You'll never take us into police custody! So swears the--

Iron Man: Yeah, you got that shit right. [He incinerates Slasher and Demitrius. Then he stands there for a while, looking warily around at the depressing alleyway, at the Capital Building in the distance, and at the moist Washington sky.] Aw, what's the goddamn point? [He twists one of his hip-frisbees a few degrees, setting off a small nuclear explosion]
Stage Six Drunkenness: "The Vegetative Stagesman" (reserved and dignified, yet barely conscious, prone to propping self up in large chairs and occasionally waving or nodding to people)
Slasher: It's Iron Man! And he's headed right for us! Stand back, you fool! He's raised his arm and is going to use his repulsor beams! I must wait until he gets within range of... my eyes! ...He's not firing his repulsor beams! He-- he seems to be... giving us a "thumbs-up"?! He's not slowing down! Run, Demitrius! He's about to--[Iron Man plows into the alleyway, setting off a small nuclear explosion]

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gasp! Something...happened! Who knew?

Stage Two would've been a much more exciting read, though, I have to say.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Thank you, Blockade Boy, for taking a cherished childhood memory, and introducing that fearsome imagery.

Dave said...

Hey! It's your friendly neighborhood multinational munitions dealer! BZZAT!

Seriously, Tony's a little "off model" here -- like everyone involved in this one decided they'd rather be doing an issue of Spider-Man.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Yeah, since when did "Ol' Shellhead" make with the snappy banter? The drunken slurred banter, sure, but not so much with the snappy stuff.

Chawunky said...

I'm afraid to ask how many small nuclear explosions pop up during the twelve-step programs.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

I'd make fun of a box being dangerous if I didn't once get off of a train because of a "suspicious brown paper sack" someone had left behind.

Stephen Rader said...

You are a friggin' genius! A FRIGGIN' GENIUS!!!!

Johnathan said...

I'm pretty sure that most of Brainiac 5's stages of drunkenness are alternating and finely shaded bouts of "Intellectual Superiority", "Sullen Brooding" and "Weeping about Supergirl". It is rumoured that at Stage 35 he becomes afraid of the colour green, but would it really be worth getting him there?

Blockade Boy said...

Anonymous: "Something... happened!" Haw! Yeah, the pacing in this Marvel comic is abysmal, but it is from 1971, and back then readers were guaranteed at least one thing happening.

Justin Garrett Blum: Hey, no problem! I got more where that came from. *crafts vision of Lovecraftian horror on LiteBrite*

Dave and Jon: To paraphrase an old movie, "Forget about it, Jake... it's Conway."

Chawunky: More than you'd think. (Especially in North Korea and Pakistan.) Just another benefit of paring the number of steps down to five!

Gyuss Baaltar: Let me guess; it turned out it contained a five-day-old tuna sandwich.

Stephen Rader: I'm blushing! Not that you can tell, what with the beard and all.

Blockade Boy said...

Jonathan: Whoops! You snuck past me there, buddy! I've heard that Stage 19 for Brainiac is "Lock self away in lab and create super-scientific menace that could destroy all mankind."