Tom Morrow: What's the Deal with His Head?

In "Mighty Samson" #16 (Gold Key, November 1968), Tom Morrow and Cindia save an entire city from annihilation but they're the only two characters who appear on panel. Which leaves me really confused about his head.

I don't get it. He's got this taut, muscular body but his head is huge and infantile, with a bulbous forehead and a pug nose and pert little lips. (And yet his hair is receding at a rapid pace.) Is he a mutant? Or Irish? Is it just because he's from the future? Because that Cindia person looks just like him! Are they related? Am I reading too much into this? Does the artist merely draw everybody like that, with regular-shaped bodies and gigantic noggins? Igor Kordley did. So did Dan Spiegel and Mike Hoffman and Ernie Colon! *awaits rash of hate mail for besmirching the good name of these fine gentlemen* Fine! Bring it! See if I care!

...I'm sorry. I'm getting testy again. Where is Weight Wizard with my coffee? And of course I think all of those artists I mentioned are very talented; it's just that sometimes they drew people with really big heads.

Hmm. Maybe if I Google "Tom Morrow", that will explain everything. *taps furiously on keyboard*

Holy crap, he's supposed to be a teenager! With that body? He's ripped! How does that work? Teenage boy with an adult body and a baby's head... feh! Who does he think he is? Someone from the Disney Channel? Or Ivan from season two of "So You Think You Can Dance?" Or that baby-headed marionette from Michael Powell's "Tales of Hoffman" movie? The one who was played by a woman and who was last seen getting spanked by the puppeteer's big dopey assistant? Sorry, I couldn't find an image of that but it's "good old-fashioned nightmare fuel" as they say on MST3K. Er, but I digress.

And don't even get me started on Cindia.

Looks Like Somebody Could Use a Stronger Sunblock

Yes, it's astounding what an inker forgetting to draw in a neckline in a single panel can do to a fella's imagination.

This is "Tom Morrow" by the way, from a backup story in Gold Key Comics' "Mighty Samson" -- and by "backup" I mean "smack-dab in the middle of the book." Mighty Samson's rugged exploits were divided into two chapters with Tom Morrow's boring crap in the middle. I presume Tom Morrow served as an emotional release valve (or "heat sink") of sorts, so that Samson fans wouldn't get overstimulated and start humping one another right then and there.

S*A*S*H

Let's say it's 1968 and you're a spazzed-out, dork-a-tronic teenage nerdmeister. What's the one thing you could wear that would guarantee a savage beating at the hands of a total stranger?

Yeah, that ought to do it.

Wigged Out

...So I had Weight Wizard organize my collection of ancient romance comics the other day while I steered the ship around a pesky asteroid belt. (When is the United Planets gonna finish cleaning that shit up?! Sure, a spaceway crew was on the scene in their orange spacesuits but there was maybe one guy working while six other people were just floating there, drinking coffee.) Suddenly I hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet and sure enough it's Weight Wizard all out of breath and clutching my copy of "Heart Throbs" #130 (DC, February-March, 1971).

"Here's the dealio," he panted. "I really think you oughta buy one of these!" He presented the back cover, which had a full-page ad for...

"Give me that!" I growled. He meekly handed me the crumbling periodical and I swatted him in the nose with it. "I don't wear wigs," I thundered. "I tell other people to wear wigs!"

Weight Wizard turned pale, but with an eager smile plucking at the corners of his mouth. "But--!" he ventured.

"But what?!"

"Well... I figured maybe you could wear it on top of your cowl. Like the original Captain Marvel! ...Marvel Universe version, of course."

"...That's actually not a bad idea." I have to confess I always liked that look, with the big blond sideburns on the outside of his mask. What? Of course he wore a wig! His real hair is dark brown and curly, and it's massive. Kind of a 'fro, to be honest.

I held onto the comic and after I'd steered us all to safety I studied the ad some more.

Let's see... I already am "bewitching" and "daring". Admittedly, "winsome" and "demure" would be new ones for me but I'd just as soon not, thank you very much. And I often make a "split-second change to a new personality." Just ask Weight Wizard! ...Although now that I think about it, I'd be more accurately described as "bi-polar." Let's see... blah, blah, blah, "surprising new adventures"... "life of the party"... yeah, been there, done that. And I've never heard of this "Sarnel" fiber before. Is it any good?

Oh, it's not. You've failed to impress me, wigmaker! Still, you may show me your wares, for my own amusement. BEGIN! *imperiously snaps fingers* (I just made a split-second change to a new personality!)

Ah, the "I'm incubating a nest of possum babies in my hair and I don't care who knows it" wig.

The "OMG Carol Burnett is teh sexy" wig.

Wow. So they let Steve Ditko design a wig!

I didn't know they still had flappers in 1971. I'm guessing a grandma ordered this one and she jitterbugged in front of her mirror until she broke a hip and collapsed onto the floor, yards away from a telephone. When her family came around to check up on her weeks later, they found the granny dead on the floor with her cats lapping at her corpse and her dog wearing the wig. ...Cripes. That was morbid, wasn't it? My apologies. Let's forget this ever happened. Next!

The "Melted Beehive!" She thought she could rival the height of Night Girl's hair! Little did she suspect that Night Girl's hair has heat vision.

And finally...

Party out back, business up front. Unfortunately, the "party" is an Antebellum cotillion circa 1855, with slaves and everything. Gross.

Did She Move Into an Apartment or a Cow's Stomach?

It's the Swamp Thing's city place! In fact, he might still be there, disguised as the drapes or... Good Lord! *choke* Your purse! Drop your purse! Drop it! And run! Run! Don't look back! I'll stay here and fend him off! Don't look--!

(Are they gone?)

Heh.

Suckers. *rifles through credit cards*

There's exactly one appealing item in this room and it's the door. And I love how the mom's outfit is only barely frumpier than her daughter's. They're both huge fans of voluminous, tent-like coats. Because after all, what's sexier than looking like your legs have been amputated and jammed up inside a church bell?

Gender Reassignment Challenge: Gravity Girl to Gravity Guy

(Sorry about the delay... my internet was on the fritz from Monday evening to about forty-five minutes ago.)

From the article “Am Me Ever Peculiar!” in the mini-magazine “Funny Book Purgatory!” by cartoonist Nedra Scott on Earth B-1234)

The Supergirl of Miniberg!
Exploit Comics # 285 / NPP / June 1961 / a: CURT SWAN / s: LEO DORFMAN
Lanford Lang (who in reality is Gravity Guy) foils yet another attempt by Kendra Clark to reveal his secret identity. Kendra’s convoluted scheme – involving the town square’s “painted waters” (intensely dyed and probably toxic) fountain, a trained pigeon and a pinhole camera – meets swift retaliation, as Lanford uses his “magno-wind” powers to knock her flat on her ass in front of (apparently) Miniberg’s entire population. Kendra is humiliated (“My shirt is torn! Why, everyone can see my midriff!”) and dashes home to change clothes. She finds herself running faster and faster until she flies up into the air! She reports this event to her parents, who respond with not one, but two life-changing revelations:
1. She’s adopted.
2. She’s most likely from outer space.
Gobsmacked Kendra is informed that her mom and dad discovered her as a baby in the wreckage of a rocketship but since she resembles a human being they love her anyway. The Clarks surmise that puberty has activated “some alien organ”, allowing her to fly. Kendra declares in the very next panel that she will embark upon a career as a crimefighter, a decision which her parents support whole-heartedly. Ma Clark sews for her an ugly blue suit with red granny panties on the outside, (what might be history’s very first) go-go boots and a cape. Kendra adds a papier-mache “princess” mask to the ensemble by way of protecting her identity, modestly dubs herself “Supergirl” and flits through an open window, into her first adventure! Uh-oh! There’s a robbery in progress! Kendra discovers she has quite a large (and random) collection of superpowers. She uses “super hearing” to eavesdrop on a police scanner, “x-ray vision” to find thieves who tunneled into a bank vault, “heat vision” to melt through the door, “invulnerability” to make the robbers’ bullets bounce off her chest, “super strength” to clobber them senseless, “super breath” to blow them through the air to the police station and “super-ventriloquism” (you heard me) to make it seem like they’re confessing. Gravity Guy finds out! He’s perfectly livid. (“This ‘Supergirl’ sounds like a real wildcard! Will she use her tremendous powers for good? Or evil?”) Supergirl lends Gravity Guy a hand in tackling numerous bad guys and disasters. He ever-so-grudgingly accepts her help, all the while searching for her weakness.(“Crimefighting is a dangerous business for a girl! Even a Supergirl! If she’s not careful, she could be hurt!”) Soon enough, Supergirl starts screwing up, falling from the sky over a rock quarry and dropping a priceless emerald because it feels “hot.” Gravity Guy finds chunks of a similar green mineral in the rock quarry and deposits them in a chest, which he tricks Supergirl into opening. She yelps in pain! Immediately she passes out and starts to glow a sickly green. Gravity Guy removes her mask. Looking even smugger than usual, he flies her unconscious body to the Clark home. With zero prompting on Gravity Guy’s part, the Clarks tell him everything they know. Gravity Guy calls for his “friend” Professor Lang. The professor relates his latest discovery: the supposed emerald and the other green rocks that injured Supergirl were in fact meteorites which have a “poisonous effect” on whatever the heck species Kendra belongs to. Gravity guy gives the Clark family a good stern lecture. (“Suppose a criminal found one of these rocks and used it on Supergirl while she was saving someone! More than one life could be lost!”) Professor Lang has another surprising discovery! It’s another meteorite, only gold, and he theorizes it could remove Supergirl’s powers without (otherwise) harming her. Ma and Pa Clark give the Professor the go-ahead. (Kendra is still knocked out.) It works! Gravity Guy uses his powers of “Magno-Amnesia” (magnesia?) to re-order the blood flow in Kendra’s brain. It gives her “a tiny stroke” and wipes out her memory of the last few days. Kendra wakes up! She wants to know why she’s wearing that strange costume! Everybody laughs.

(With apologies to the great Scott Saavedra, whose writing style I kind-of, sort-of, tried to mimic there, after a fashion and in a way. It was tough, too. For one thing, I swear way more than he does.)

In a gender-reversed universe, “Gravity Guy” would be just as much of a tool as Superboy. He’d also be the big fish in his little town – the original hero – and so he wouldn’t wear a mask. “Lanford Lang” would be a bespectacled coward with bad posture and the dull-witted population of “Miniberg” wouldn’t think to draw a connection between the two 5’9, red-haired and freckled sixteen-year-olds. (Also, the mask was already ultra-masculine and it was homely as hell.) I didn’t have to do much to Gravity Girl’s costume to make it suitable for a Silver Age boy hero. The skirt is now trunks, and they’re admittedly a tad longer than Robin’s, if only because I personally loathe the combination of bare thighs and covered arms on male heroes. Still, I think I made the trunks short enough to be plausible for that time period. I don’t know what the hell that black thing on Gravity Girl’s chest was supposed to be and I don’t care to know, so I altered it into a more attractive symbol. I’m still not sure what it stands for – an atom? Some kind of road sign? The overhead view of a 19th Century Utopian community? – but it certainly looks nicer. I framed the symbol in thick black lines to make it clear that the top is a one-piece and not that effed-up “twin set” or whatever the hell Lana was wearing. And to balance the top, I added black trim to the trunks, cape, gloves, and boots. I changed the red on the belt to green; I figured as the star of his own comic, Gravity Guy wouldn’t be wearing a superpower-bestowing accessory that called attention to itself.

So Who Thinks They Want to Be a Superhero Who Can Dance With the Stars?

This panel has zero to do with fashion, but it's so resplendently awesome that there was no way I could live with myself if I didn't post it.

Gee, Your Corpse Smells Terrific

Thirty-three years ago today, the CIA's nerve-damaging chemical compound XBD-8 was first tested in the field. Today you people know it as "Axe Body Spray."

You Can't Fly!

And so the saga of Gravity Girl draws to its inevitable (for 1961) conclusion. Superboy, would you care to sing us the story's moral to the tune of "You Can Fly" from "Peter Pan"? Thank you.

Think of the burn on your arm
And of boulders doing harm
Think of splinters, think of pain
Worst of all, your stupid brain
If you only were a guy--!

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Soon you’ll walk all around the town,
Keep your feet upon the ground
But a bicycle is no fuss
Or if riding trolleys make you cuss
Take the municipal bus

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Fly with a belt on your waist
Crash and turn your ass to paste
Don’t take the job of a man
You can’t do what the fellas can
Now go make me a pie

You can’t fly! You can’t fly!
You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

At Last, None of It Comes Together

The belt can't repel wood? Like, for instance, a whole big pile of it? And she was able to snap the rope that tethered the balloon (with super strength!) because why, precisely? Listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk about this (although it does come naturally to me) but would it have killed them to at least honor the continuity within their own story?

Also, the belt is a rare artifact from a now-extinct and possibly extraterrestrial civilization but Professor Lang the archaeologist (who discovered the damn thing) thinks it should be destroyed. He's probably gonna head back down there right now and blow up the giant chia pet, Taliban-style!

Be Healed!

Is he going to rub the table back together, too?

From the Archives of the "Skartaris Times-Tribune":

THERA MOURNS LOSS OF HIGH PRIEST
As the week-long funeral ceremony of popular Theran High Priest Seraphos comes to an end, the citizens of that city-state are still baffled as to the cause of his death. The cleric was found dead in his office on May 3rd in what local guardsmen are terming a homicide. In a statement given to scribes yesterday, Chief Guardsman Brutalos said that his department had no leads in the case as of yet, and that the crime scene showed no signs of forced entry, save for a small hole in the ceiling, a second one in the floor, and a third running the length of Seraphos' body. With no official answer, conspiracy theorists are actively circulating their scrolls, including one that claims Seraphos was felled by a "magic missile sent down by a capricious boy-god and an orange-haired gorgon in a metal mask."

In his all-too-brief career, Seraphos dedicated himself to ridding Thera of the strife and poverty that had plagued it for centuries. He brokered peace treaties among warring local tribes, raised funds for schools and hospitals, ended the local custom that allowed any victim of a bad break-up to punch his or her ex-lover in the face up to three times without reprisal, and freed all ponies from servitude. He was especially hailed for his "Puppies for Orphans" program, in which suitably adorable orphans are given equally lovable dogs. The orphans may then use the canines for companionship, transportation, racing, gladiatorial combat, or food.

Theran law dictates that Seraphos be succeeded by Thera's Archdeacon Deimos, who made his first public address this morning. (See related story in crumbling yellow parchment scroll 6F, "Theran High Priest Promises 'New Skartaran Order.'")

Now We Play the Weighing Game

Aaaannd in the final panel, Satan's unholy legions emerge from the steaming pit, bringing about the Apocalypse. The End!

*heavy sigh* If only!

Here's where the story starts to fall completely apart. (And believe me, this yarn's gonna wind up making less sense than a David Lynch film.) In this panel Superboy tells Lana "I figured you wouldn't realize that although the metal ball had been super-compressed, it would still weigh two tons!" And yet Lana had said as much, out loud and right in front of his smug face, two panels earlier:

Superboy (the comic book)... what the hell? Explain yourself, mister! No, don't bother. I can see what's going on here! It's gotta be one of two possibilities.
A. Our Hero was preoccupied with his internal gloating and couldn't pay attention to Lana (quite likely), or...
B. The offices of 1961 DC Comics were practically swarming with dope fiends who were too krunked-out on the chronic (as you young people say) to remember their own names, much less recall what had transpired on the same page of the comic book they were producing. (Those same people are currently in charge of continuity at Marvel.)

The way this story will nosedive into sheer incomprehensibility, I'm leaning towards "B."

Next: things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.

The Idiotic Table

Yes, Professor Lang knitted himself a cute pink "microscope cozy." The microscope itself sits on a doily. And his hyperbaric chamber is covered by a colorful crocheted afghan.

(Also, I'm pretty sure that table was erased, then redrawn by Carmine Infantino.)

Compressed Dare

Lana--! Don't tell him how you're going to-- and you're admitting that you're going to your own house?! (What, you can't think of anyplace else in Smallville that might have a freakin' microscope, of all things?!

(I guess you were right... you are as smart as Superboy!)

Actually, Professor Lang's house just might be the only structure in town with a microscope. Shortly after the broadcast of a documentary about those little creatures that live in people's eyelashes, Smallville's current town council and school board have both outlawed the devices, claiming they are "abominations" and "the devil's work." Why, just the other day they held a big rally and burned Anton van Leeuwenhoek in effigy. In really tiny effigy.

Challenge of the Superdick!

She's onto you! Quickly, into the escape pod!

Also, not enough super-heroes call one another "silly." It doesn't have to be an affectionate "silly" either. The Hulk once called Wolverine "silly" and it caused the latter to pee himself (just a little bit).

He Could At Least Say "Excuse Me"

Yeah, Superboy often lets one during his "feats of strength." And they typically smell of sauerkraut.

Maybe You Should Put a Tap on Her Phone

Well, this is a pleasant turn of events! Superboy is going to use his friendly and sympathetic personality along with the respect he's garnered as a longtime crimefighter to approach Gravity Girl in an open and honest manner and persuade her she--

Oh.

He's going to use deceit. Of course. What the hell was I thinking?

And the trickery begins when, Superboy? Because you just stated exactly how you feel about her. Only it's out loud, for once. Truth = Falsehood! How Orwellian!

Less than Zero

That's how I felt when I read all those hateful comments about myself and my awesome new threads.

Uh, Storm Boy here. Although I guess I should have started with that. See what you're doing to me? I'm a wreck! And it's all your fault! First off? YES I'm a little heavier than the other guys on the H.M.S. Exquisite. But for starters? I'm way thinner than I used to be. I'm on this amazing new liquid diet where the pounds just disappear (along with many of my memories of ever having them)! So I'm not hunkalicious as of yet. SO WHAT. And for one thing? I bet a lot of you dudes don't look so hot yourself.

...You do look so hot yourself?

Crap.

Okay. To begin with? That drawing Blockade Boy did of me? Was totally unfair. And not accurate at all. He exaggerates! And he's like, my best pal in the entire universe but the poor dope fancies himself a "social realist" like Goya when in reality he's more like Don Martin from "Mad Magazine." I mean, SERIOUSLY. Look at this guy!

I've never seen this person before in my life. I mean, that sweaty-looking space-carney up there? With the bags under his eyes and the flabby arms and the icky smirk on his face? The one who looks like Johnny Knoxville plus a hundred pounds and minus all his muscle tone? That's not who I see when I look in a mirror. No sir.

This is who I see when I look in a mirror!

CHECK IT, YO! YEAH, BOY! COME GET SOME!

The above is a sample of my own artwork, a-thank-you very much. Yeah, I like to do self-portraits sometimes.

No kidding, I see this guy in reflective surfaces a lot and I sure as shit hope it's me, because he's wearing my clothes! God damn but I look fine. Dig the hot pink power sword! Okay, so I don't actually own one of those. But I always wanted one. (Only without the ginormous human ear on the hilt. I'm not sure what that's all about.)

I anxiously await your various apologies.

Yes, Clarkie Dearest

Hey, I once spent an entire weekend playing "Kaboom!" Let me have a crack at those things!

Remember that scene from the "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" episode of the Office, where Toby's preschool-age daughter Sasha asks the Party Planning Committee if she can help them, and Angela says, "No thanks. We'd have to explain everything; it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves." Yeah. Superboy is like Angela. He could have somebody helping him take care of the non-stop crime and natural disasters that seem to plague Smallville on a daily basis and maybe he'd then have more time to relax or develop a social life but NO. Because he has this sick need for everything be freaking perfect he drives everybody away. No wonder he winds up living alone in an arctic wasteland.

What? Me?! Oh, hells no. I'm not nearly as uptight and demanding as Superboy. Why, I have lots of friends nearby right now! ...All of whom I, er, happen to, uh... pay.

Aw, shut up.

(Side note: Weight Wizard once gave me a "glancing blow." So I yanked on his hair and demanded that he try again and put some freaking effort into it.)

Gravity Girl Vulnerability Checklist:
1. Wood (like the Golden Age Green Lantern and most other super-heroes)
2. Fire (like the Martian Manhunter and most other super-heroes)
3. Rock (again, just like every superhero who doesn't possess some level of decreased vulnerability, such as a tough hide or a forcefield -- which is to say, most superheroes)

By the way, Storm Boy isn't happy with some of your responses to his new costume, so now he wants to post a rebuttal. So you might want to brace yourselves for that.