Blockade Boy: the Home Game

After a rigorous twenty-four hours of bathing, featuring intensive scrubbing and rubbing, pumice-laden soaps, horse shampoos, and several bottles of hand lotion moisturizer, I am exhausted. Clean, but exhausted. But now I'm faced with a new dilemma. Once word reaches the U.P. that I'm not missing any body parts, they're going to revoke my pirate captain's license. (It's the law!) Fine. Screw 'em. I'd rather quit, anyway. Too many bad memories.

So on top of a new job, I'll need a new look! And my head's just too effed-up right now to figure one out. I still have plenty of ideas for how other people should dress, and that feature will start back up next week. But my most important client has always been myself, and I'm just too damned intimidating. I'm so demanding! I'm kind of a bastard, really. I don't know how I put up with myself sometimes.

That's where you come in.

My next great look will be designed by you, the reader! I'm pitting you all against one another in sartorial combat for my amusement. And the winner gets a fabulous prize! You don't have to be a professional artist. (It's true! Many successful fashion designers can barely draw at all!) You can just save the image below to your computer and alter it however you see fit. If you don't have a computer program for doing that, just print th' dang thing out and color on it! You can make my hair black if you wanna. If you wanna make me blonde or whatever, just use white-out to erase whatever parts of my noggin you'd like and then draw on top of that. I'll post and review every one I get on this very blog... unless your drawing is disqualified (as explained in the rules).

Here are the rules:

1. The contest is open until September 15, 2007 (your time) at midnight CST.
2. Use the admittedly creepy drawing above or draw my handsome body yourself, showing my entire figure, from the front, in color. If you want to throw in other views or even a close-up of my rugged face that's up to you but it's not necessary and I won't think any less of you if you don't. *pats your shoulder in a warm, brotherly fashion*
3. If you send me the drawing as a file, it should be in JPEG form. Because that's what I'm used to working with. Yeah, I know TIF would probably be okay. Don't sass me. The picture should be a manageable size, but no smaller than 200 pixels wide. 300 is a good number to shoot for.
4. Don't go talking smack about me on this or any other blogs just because your shitty local internet provider lost your e-mail before they could send it to me. The same goes for the Post Office or any other physical mail carrier.
5. Like I said, I'll review the ones that I don't disqualify, and that means I get to critique your design and you don't get to cry about it. You knew what you were getting into. But it's all in good fun. And I promise to restrict my comments to the costume's design and such, and not say anything about your drawing ability. Or your mama! Still, quit yer whinin' and grow the hell up... er, pal.
6. Written descriptions/explanations of your design are helpful but not mandatory. However, if you didn't explain something and I misunderstand it, don't get yer undies in a bind.
7. I'm willing to consider any kind of hairstyle, including a shaved head. HOWEVER. Facial hair is mandatory. Failure to depict me with facial hair will instantly disqualify you. It could even be just a soul patch or one of those dapper Old School Tony Stark mustaches. But I gots to have some kind of hair on my face. Those weak, ear-lobe length "Beverly Hills 90210" sideburns do not count. (They will also disqualify you.)
8. Anything that I deem to be a "joke" submission will be disqualified. Examples would include drawing me in Captain America's costume, sending me the above image with "BITE ME" scrawled over it in blood and/or feces, etc.
9. The one other thing that will disqualify your drawing is the combination of long sleeves and bare thighs. I don't care if every other Timely superhero wore that crap, it's the Devil's work and I will not stand for it.
10. If you draw me with exposed arms/legs/what-have-you, don't forget to depict my copious body hair! And if for some reason my chest is completely exposed, you should pay particular attention to my nipples.
11. NIPPLES!
12. Don't forget to provide a physical return address -- a post office box will do -- so I can mail you the fabulous prize.

...Okay! That's reasonable, isn't it? (That's a rhetorical question, by the way.)

You can e-mail your designs to:

jrizza1@cox.net

If you'd rather, you can physically mail your work to:

Jeremy Rizza
3210 S. Handley, Apt. 102
Wichita, KS 67217

And then Jeremy will use some arcane method to forward the designs on to me.

I'm forgetting something... oh yeah! The fabulous prize! That'd be a beautiful watercolor-and-ink drawing of myself in a kick-ass action pose, wearing your costume and hair style! I can autograph it with a special message to you (platonic only) if you'd like. We can discuss it more once you win.

There! Hop to it, friends! I never brought any pants on board, and I'm tired of wearing Tusker's hand-me-downs.