Friday, August 31, 2007

Shellhead's on a Rampage!


Iron Man calls himself "Shellhead"? Yeah, I'm not buyin' it. I suppose there's a certain class of loser out there who calls himself derogatory nicknames created by his friends, but I think Tony Stark is in an entirely different class of loser.

Here are some nicknames you'll never hear Tony's compatriots call themselves:
  • Captain America: "U.S.A-hole"
  • Thor: "Girlyhair VonPrettyboy"
  • Ant-Man: "Microbe Dick"
  • Giant-Man: again, "Microbe Dick"
  • Yellowjacket: "Batshit Crazy Microbe Dick", also "Wifeybeaterkins with the Teensy Peterkins"*
  • Wasp: "Talentless Whore-Slut" (or maybe I'm the only one who calls her that)
  • Hawkeye: "Sir Smirks-A-Lot", "Spooge Central"
  • Quicksilver: "Mister Zip", "Satanic Anderson Cooper"
  • Scarlet Witch: "Perm-Meister", "Big Chief Buffalo Thighs"
  • Vision: "Sobby the Robot"
*And now I just have to wait for the deluge of comments complaining that Hank only hit Jan that one time in that one comic from like a million years ago, and why does everybody keep bringing it up? Because it's so wrong it's hilarious, that's why! I'm never letting it die! Hank hitting Jan is my own personal Stephanie Brown memorial floaty costume trophy case! So suck it! *laughs maniacally* Now go back to complaining on the Newsarama boards about Supergirl having a larger-than-24" waist, nerdleys.


Anonymous said...

Geez, you'd think Hank smacked Jan when he was super-sized and she was all waspy. It coulda been so much worse.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Or maybe they could've turned out like that couple on "The Sopranos" where the first time the guy lays a hand on the woman she pretty much immediately responds by shooting him to death.

MaGnUs said...

You know what was worse? When Ultimate Hank Pym chased wasp-sized Jan around with a can of bug-zap.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Yup, Ultimate Jan and Hank had an Ultimized abusive relationship.

Scipio said...

""Satanic Anderson Cooper""

That's hot.

Very hot.

The Mutt said...

I hate The Avengers nicknames even more than the Bruce and Clark crap in JLA. Nicknames are for short. Why the hell would you have a guy named Cap and call him Shield-Slinger? Why would the God of Thunder let people call him Goldilocks?

Hawky? Mocky? Wondy?

Freakin' Wondy!?!?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Scip: Infernally so, to be precise. And yet, I'm guessing it's also a moist heat.

The Mutt: You're right! Their closest rival in sheer inanity would be the Silver Age Teen Titans. (Wonder Chick, anyone?)