Extreme Blockadeover: MaGnUs, Part One

I was just finishing the last of the fourteen raw porterhouse steaks I always have for breakfast when the e-mail alert sounded. It turned out to be the first three in what promises to be a whole passel of designs from MaGnUs! Bring it, buddy!

MaGnUs writes:

Blockade Boy a la Cockrum: So here I went with a late 60s and full 70s costume for you, with a lot of Cockrum inspiration (as you can see in the boots, belt, and gloves). The scheme is green and steel-grey; the latter because it evokes a blockade wall, and the former because it very well damn pleased me.

Half of your torso and one arm are exposed, and you are wearing steel-grey body paint, except on your nipple. The twin "Bs" back to back are in Interlac, grey on the green side, green on the grey side, matching the gloves. Mind you, the gloves and boots were originally going to be white, a la Star Boy's dazzling starfield costume; but then I settled on green and grey, and gave you a short cape as in Thom's earlier costume (yes, the fuschia one).

I gave you a He-Man kind of haircut, with a beautiful shine and body, because I figured you'd share beauty secrets with Saturn Girl and the likes. I also gave you a headdress, a la Colossal Boy, to keep your fabulous hair out of your face while you kick ass. The three-day growth of stubble is just to show that you're macho, no matter your haircut, and you're holding a cigar that you smoke from time to tome, because it wasn't politically incorrect to do so.

I see what you're going for, pal, but no thanks. I'm not fond of the color scheme, the asymmetry, or (especially) the body paint... although if I ever did indulge in painting my body, I sure as hell would leave my nipples unpainted, the better to show those babies off. And while the hair does look nice 'n' lustrous, it's also about the same shape as Marcel's from "Top Chef" season two. Also, I don't do sharply-defined bangs. I just don't. As for the stubble and cigar, while I'm not opposed to them in principle, I'm manly enough that I don't feel the need to engage in symbolic demonstrations of masculinity. *daintily wipes steak blood from lips with tips of floor-length mustache* What else ya got?

*grits teeth* MaGnUs--! Explain yourself.

Blockade Barbarian: This one started as a He-Man costume, but turned into a barabarian gladiator one. I think the gold-plated spiked shoulderpads and bracers look badass, and you've got a big-ass sword, and a pimpin' mace, as well as a half-dozen knives to throw around.

You can't see the nipples because of the chains, but man, will those chains feel great against them nipples! The fur boots loudly say "I kill stuff", and the matching loincloth is only there for vanity purposes (to match the boots and say "I also kill stuff with my crotch"); since as you can see by looking closely, you're wearing a chainmail brief.

I went with the medieval beard, and the prince valiant haircut, because it was what I wanted for the He-Man look, but decided they looked cool with the barbarian gladiator thing. The belt sports a BB emblem made from lower case Cyrillic style letters, which looks like some sort of hyborean rune.

First of all, I want to give you a jovial, bone-crushing handshake for taking your entry in a direction I haven't seen yet. Way to go! I like the shoulderpads, loincloth, boots, and the kewl weaponry... although I'm not sure about all those knives... after I'd slaughtered a tavern full of thugs I'd have to go around and locate all the knives I'd thrown. And I appreciate your telling me that the yellow parts were gold, because I was on the fence about all that yellow. Gold would look hella better. That said, I'm going to have to say "no" on this one, for three reasons:

1. The haircut. Again with the bangs, and I know it's a fantasy barbarian staple but I'm just not a fan. I can't look at a picture of Conan the Barbarian without thinking of Jennifer Connelly. That's why I always put my thumb over his head so I can drink in the rest of his body.
2. The big spikes on the gloves. Hell, any spikes on the gloves. I'd put my gorgeous eye out!
3. Chainmail briefs? What are you, trying to finish what Weight Wizard started? *points finger* Saboteur!!!

Okay, I'm done ranting. Let's see what's next...

A bottle? Well, this better be good...

Blockade Boozer: This is my rendition of you, should you decide to wear an Iron Man style armor. Of course, it snaps on like legos, and it takes pages and pages of boring sequences to put it on, but what the hell.

I went with one of your early color scheme, purple and orange, because it shocks enemies. I gave you a finned helmet and a huge-ass jetpack (which also keeps your ass warm while flying); to convey a flashgordonesque feeling to the ensemble. Plus, it allowed me to give you an open faced helmet which doesn't look as ridiculous as a fully armored, helmeted but faceplateless Tony Stark.

Like Tony, you have a dashing mustachio, and an itty bitty soul patch. Also, like Tony, you have a bottle of booze in your hand. If you zoom in, you'll see it's Dom Perignon 2097. Oh, and a straight up BB logo is on the chest.

Not bad! I look techno-debonaire! But don't go dissing orange and purple, boy. That's a classic combination. ...It's just that most of the universe hasn't figured it out yet. *scowls, i.e. "man-pouts"* I'm not a fan of the turret shapes on the jetpack (too literal, bordering on cheesy) and I'd rather have seen a tinted goggle/facemask deal on the helmet than to just have my whole face hangin' out there like that. Nice boots, though. This one's another "no", although it was close. Sorry. But I'm sure you'll have more designs for me to consider. Now get back to work!