On the Town

My closeout sale was a huge success! We managed to sell everything except for the boat-sized Orandoan jockstrap, which was studded with dazzle gems, ornamented by some gorgeous spectrium filigree and, for some reason, powered by hydrogen. So it probably was intended for a "niche market." I sure as hell wasn't going to haul the bastard back to my pirate ship, and I didn't want to just turn it over to the U.P. I was stuck... until I remembered that we were on Rimbor, the shadiest planet in the galaxy. So we put a little sign on it that said "Do Not Steal". The last I saw it, a dozen young Rimborian gang members were hauling it off, their vertebrae noisily collapsing as they went.

I raked in a ton of space-cheddah with this sale, that's for damn sure. So -- with my typical generosity -- I treated everybody to a night on the town. Just left to our own devices, Rainbow Girl and I would have just gone our separate ways for some jolly, pirate-style, property-destroying, ass-kicking debauchery. Sadly, we had a recovering alcoholic (Storm Boy) and a naive simpleton (Tusker) in tow... so that slowed us down somewhat. We started out with a big dinner. I had ten of the thickest, juiciest kanga-bronc steaks I've ever tasted at a famous Rimborian joint, "Extinction" E Sau's Eatery. At E Sau's, every animal on the menu is personally hunted down and mercilessly slaughtered for you by E Sau himself, while-u-wait, for guaranteed freshness! Afterwards, we strolled through Rimbor's historical Moonshiner's District, taking in the sights.

At one point, a beautiful girl waved at Tusker and gestured for him to come talk to her. This made Tusker dejected for some reason, and he quickly put his head down and tried to ignore her. We all cajoled him to go over there and flirt. He said, "Nothin' good ever happens to me whenever somebody says 'come over here.' Usually they're tryin' to sell me somethin' or they wanna pick a fight with me, or maybe they just kick me in the 'nads and take my wallet."

"You dumb jerk," I said, warmly. "You've got to wake up to the fact that you're an interesting, well-dressed guy who the ladies (and a lot of men) are going to be attracted to! Stop hating on yourself, you idiot! Go over there and chat her up!" So Tusker went to talk with her. I spotted a tavern where, years ago, I beat the crap out of and then made love to an entire hover-bike gang and while I was telling the story to Rainbow Girl and Storm Boy I glanced back over at Tusker and saw him laid out on the sidewalk, howling with pain and grasping his privates, while the beautiful girl made off with his wallet.

Rainbow Girl and Storm Boy helped Tusker up while I nabbed the thief. I confiscated the wallet and carted her back over to Tusker.

"Told you," pouted Tusker.

I asked the beautiful girl if she only asked Tusker to talk to her so she could rob him. As I could have predicted, she answered, "Well, actually I thought he looked kind of sexy and dangerous and cool and I was thinking maybe we might go somewhere and make out. But when he started talking to me, he came off like this self-pitying whiner, y'know, just a total jerk-off, so I figured I'd just kick him in the 'nads and take his wallet."

I thumped Tusker in the nose with his wallet. "See, you dope? Self-fulfilling prophecy." I think I saw a glint of recognition in his big sad eyes. Maybe my words are finally starting to sink in.

Rainbow Girl really wanted to do some bar-hopping. Since Storm Boy was looking a little shaken in the midst of so much cheap booze, we decided to split up. Rainbow Girl took Tusker with her while I squired Storm Boy. To distract Storm Boy from the temptations of Demon Rum, I took him to a show. There were a lot of good plays and pageants to choose from! We finally wound up seeing the all-android revival of Leroy Anderson's "Goldilocks."

It was a heckuva spectacle, made all-the-more thrilling by the fact that they used two android replicas of Elaine Stritch -- one as the sexy, sassy young ingenue, which is the role Stritch originated, and an older version for the part of the duplicitous landlady. I'd hoped the show would cheer Storm Boy up a little. And for the most part I think it did, but I noticed him silently crying during the poignant ballad "I Never Know When to Say When." Also, he glanced longingly over at me for much of the song "Who's Been Sitting in My Chair?" -- especially the part where Android Stritch sings "I'd like a two-fisted biped for my budoir." Still, we left the show laughing and singing little bits of the songs and just having a grand old time, and I deposited him back at the ship in good spirits. And then I hit Rimbor's famed Man-Whore District like a tsunami and pretty much leveled the place. I woke up the next morning, all sore and groggy, to hear Storm Boy singing "The Pussyfoot" from "Goldilocks":

Tiger cats
Tip their hats
Flip their whiskers and purr,
Pekingese
Tell their fleas
Fellas, fellas, it's her!
It don't behoove a lady to lie.
There is no other pussy like I...

And then I clamped my pillow over my ears and went back to sleep.