Insane Crown Bossy

Yesterday I gave you all a glimpse of the King, the crimeboss who employed the Queen Bee.

All the other men in the room were totally grooving on the curvy young woman in the bee costume yet "somehow" it didn't affect him. "Somehow"...! Whatever! It's because you're gay, King. Just like I knew I was gay when the sight of Teri Hatcher in a restored holo-recording of "Soapdish" had no effect on me, and also because of all the guys I was boning.

Viewed from a distance, the King's hairstyle might be mistaken for a merely wind-blown coif, or perhaps one with a modest set of hair-horns, like Cain's or Damon Hellstrom's. Ah, but it's so much more extravagant!

Now that, my friends, is a supervillain hair-do. Bravo, King! His henchmen are lined up outside his one bathroom doing the pee-pee dance for hours every morning while their liege primps and preens. The King probably measures each spike to ensure that they're all the exact same height. I bet he fantasizes about somehow weaving actual jewels into his hair to carry the illusion of a crown even further, and then he dismisses the idea because it would look too queer even for him and then he sits down on the edge of the tub and just feels depressed for a while. No doubt he's in a supervillain baseball league, and his batting helmet has holes drilled in it so his hair won't get ruined. And when he dozes off at strategy meetings in his crappy rented throne, the henchmen all take turns using his hair to skewer various items, like inter-mob memos and slices of processed cheese.

The good guys in the "Missing Man" story all have normal haircuts, with the exception of the title character.

"Syd Mane"?! Oh, it's his stylist.

That's not an artfully-arranged forelock. That peculiar curl is sprouting from the very top of what passes for the Missing Man's head. An unfortuate choice, since it makes his mostly-theoretical noggin resemble a tomato, or perhaps a "do not disturb" sign. I will give the Missing Man credit for the cleanliness of its shape. Not a hair out of place! Assuming the Missing Man even has hair. I'd love to know his secret (so I can steal it!) but since he's a Steve Ditko character I can only assume it involves a clunky belt or other high-tech device, a mysterious unnamed energy source, and the sound effect "FWAASSHH!" In which case, forget it. Because that is so not my style.

Putting The "Oof!" In "Bouffant"

My pal Scipio has often written about the most terrifying beehive hair-do in all the known universe... Night Girl's. I believe I have discovered its gentler, yet no less powerful counterpart. The Venus to its Mars. (Or the Mumm-Rana to its Mumm-Ra if you're a spaztastic dorkatron.) Behold... the bouffant of the Queen Bee! (From the "Missing Man" feature in "Pacific Presents" #1, October 1982.) It hums!

Sure, people may try to convince you that it's actually the Queen Bee herself who is humming, but I have it on good authority that the intoxicating humming sounds emit from the immaculately-arranged strands of her bouffant. And how are you going to prove me wrong? Her lips never move! But I digress. Here's how it works: the heavenly melody is teased from the individual follicles by the slightest air current, just like the wind whistling through high-tension wires. Only the King can resist the bouffant's charms, and that's because his own spiky hair creates a counter-frequency. (Duh. It's science.)

But the Queen Bee's bouffant isn't just a musician. It can also act! Let's look at some of its many moods.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is pensive and mysterious.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is high-strung and easily startled. Especially when someone mentions honey.

The Queen Bee's bouffant weeps openly and it doesn't care who sees it.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is capable of delivering a soliloquy from a Lifetime Original Movie.

In short, the Queen Bee's bouffant doesn't demand your respect. But then, it doesn't have to. It beckons you to your destruction with its siren song, and like Odysseus, you have to lash yourself to a mast or be smashed against the rocks.

Long live the Queen Bee's bouffant!

Magenta Beach Towels Are The New Black

In "Eternals" #5 (December 2006) Ikaris and Thena are so dynamically wonderful that they can barely be bothered with disguises. Ikaris chose a brown trenchcoat, which is the best thing to wear when you want to send the subtle message "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M INCOGNITO!!!" (These garments are normally accessorized with a humongous "Spy Vs. Spy" sun hat, itself a great attention-getter since nobody in their right mind ever wears one.) Better yet, Ikaris didn't even bother buttoning the coat. Naw, he's rockin' it Gambit-style. But Thena has one-upped the levitating Lothario by simply draping a beach towel over her head!

Here are some other disguises Thena considered:
1. Groucho glasses
2. A sauce pan with two eyeholes drilled into it
3. Rainbow wig
4. Dr. Who scarf
5. Indian chief headdress
6. Hammer pants
7. Big foam cowboy hat
8. Hula skirt and coconut bra
9. Exact same suit of armor, only in bronze
10. Admiral's hat, made out of a strategically-folded newspaper
11. Oversized papier-mache version of her own head, like they wear at Carnival time
12. Romper Stompers
13. Rubber Frankenstein mask
14. Lee press-on nails
15. Those headband deals with the antennae on them, usually they end in big plastic stars or something and they kind of bobble around because they're on springs, you might see them at a little girl's birthday party, I don't know what they're called
16. Hotpants
17. Top hat and cane
18. Milk mustache
19. The front half of a pantomime horse costume (and Ikaris gets the back half)
20. "Frankie Say Relax" t-shirt

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess

I honestly did not think my Stone Boy redesign would gross out so many people. Which says more about my ability to read a room than anything else. I inked the body hair last, and for a second I considered just leaving the guy hairless. And then I glanced down at my hairy inner thighs and decided, "screw it." But I swear by all that's fashionable that I didn't set out to make it look like fetish wear. Honest and for true. And then I read the comments and I thought "Aw, shit. They're really gonna hate my Mess redesign because it looks like a fucking gimp costume." Oh well, huh? Let's go!

The Mess was rejected for Legion membership for obvious reasons. He's essentially Super-Pigpen. And if you don't get that reference, try this: he's essentially Super-Puck-From-"The Real World: London." And if you don't get that reference, you're way too young to be even reading this blog. And get the hell off my lawn! Anyway. To bottom-line it? He's gross.

Here's what I'd do with him:

My idea? Wrap the smelly l'il fucker up in a garbage sack --er, I mean, "containment suit." It would have a big vertical seam (zippered, or maybe it would use ZipLoc technology.)

I made the suit black and shiny because it's supposed to evoke a trash bag, and because I wanted to emphasize the silhouette. It's all based around the pointy, drooping cowl. Kind of like executioners would wear. And not gimps! Nope! The pointy shape is mirrored in the Swamp Thing cut-out for the mouth. The yellow goggles and the boot trim provide a respite from all the black.

I figure The Mess could keep the suit sealed up most of the time, marinating in his own funk, and then in battle he could open it now and then to paralyze his foes with whiffs of devestating stank. And assuming he's on the level about having superpowers, I bet he could practice with them until he became a black hole for garbage -- kind of like a matter-specific Chunk. He'd at least be useful for rescue missions, like finding civilians who are buried under rubble. Legion-worthy? Oh, hell no. Useful? Yup!

So keep on stinkin', The Mess. I'm sure you're good for something.

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Stone Boy

Like Polar Boy, Legion rejectee Stone Boy had complete control over his powers. Unlike Polar Boy, Stone Boy's power was almost completely useless. Except for providing a decoy target for really stupid armies.

"Seed storehouse"?! It's called a sperm bank you bumpkin! Grow the hell up already! Christ. But my rage, it's distracing me from the matter at hand: Stone Boy's costume. Stone Boy's horrendously ugly costume. Not that I blame Stone Boy himself, mind you. I figure his mom made it for him.

Y'see, Stone Mom was about to throw out that bolt of orange spandex she'd found in a dumpster behind the fabric store, when suddenly she got an idea! Also, check out paunchy Stone Dad in the background. (Special guest star: Gordon Jump!) So by the looks of things, not only will Stone Boy never be admitted to the Legion of Super-Heroes, he's also going to go bald one day. Glad I'm not him. *casually runs a hand through my lush, beautiful hair*

But don't think I'm an unsympathetic bastard! Naw, I'm a sympathetic bastard! I came up with a more handsome look for the guy, and a better idea on how he can use his powers. See, all he needs to do is go to the top of a steep slope, wait for a bad guy to show up, crouch into a ball, turn into stone, and VOILA!

I gave him some padded body armor for when he's not using his "will-force" to turn himself to stone (hey, I can do that too, sort of) and I used the shape of the pads to design a logo for him. It's a stylized "S" and "B." Because your old Earth alphabet looks so much better than Interlac. The cropped hair and stubble is a nice tough look for him, and along with his deliciously excessive body hair, it provides a textural contrast with the armor. Which is why I left so many holes in it. What?! He can turn to stone; what the hell would he need body armor for? Oh, now I'm confused. What was I talking about?

Tomorrow: Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Polar Boy

Brek "Polar Boy" Bannin didn't try out for the Legion of Super-Heroes on a whim. He was serious about joining, and he should have been a shoo-in. After all, his power of projecting super-cold was no less practical than the ability to project super-heat (Sun Boy), super-gravity (Star Boy) or super-weightlessness (Light Lass). And it's not like he couldn't control his powers (which is what sinks your typical Legion applicant)...

...which is what makes his rejection seem so cruel.

"So scram, Pee-wee!" This is exhibit "A" for my theory that the Legion is a bunch of clicque-y "cool kids" who use their try-outs to humiliate all the poindexters and wannabes. Er, not that I ever tried out myself, mind you. I'm too cool for that! (Ironic, no?)

Maybe the Legion would have cut him a break if he hadn't been a shrimpy kid in a stupid hat. Well, I can't help him with the "shrimpy" part but I bet I could devise a hipper costume for the determined l'il fella! Let's see... first we'll have to lose that hat... maybe brighten up the color scheme a bit... ditch the icicle motif... in fact, you know what? I'll even model it for you all! Why not? After all, both Brek and I have white hair (now). I'll have to shave my biker' stache, of course. But don't worry, I'll just grow it back and then use my time bubble to travel back to tomorrow so it'll be like nothing happened. Ready? *cues up techno music*

*struts into your home or office and strikes various "sexful" poses for a full minute in front of your desk or couch*

Who says super-folk with ice powers have to wear blue? Not me! I designed this look around a snowflake symbol, with a tantalizing cut-out on the chest... but see, the nipples are covered! I can be conservative! The only part where I used fur was the gloves. I think fur always contrasts nicely with geometric lines. To provide balance with the fur texture, I went with a bushy surfer haircut, which also looks kind of Scandanavian to me, so... bonus!

Tweed Christmas!

Yesterday, we looked at some of the gorgeous gowns from "Power Man & Iron Fist." Today it's the men's turn. Sure, we all know that the title characters' costumes look like finale outfits from "Dancing With The Stars." But what else do they like to wear?

Magnum, T.M.I.! Why, I'm enjoying watching you enjoying listening to Iron Fist enjoying himself, Power Man! I suppose the Hawaiian shirt looks okay, but to be honest I'm having trouble tearing my eyes away from his forearms. *Rrrowr!* The glasses add a hint of vulnerability. Although he'd look even more vulnerable if they were hornrims with tape on the bridge. And maybe the Hawaiian shirt should have a pocket protector. Still, well played, Power Man.

Uh-oh! Looks like some of these hooligans might have a little trouble Stayin' Alive! Iron Fist was just trying to drink A Fifth Of Beethoven but then some Jive Talkin' troublemaker had to go and ruin his good time. So Iron Fist put on his Boogie Shoes and Open Sesame! He goes all Calypso Breakdown on their asses.

...Sorry about that, but I didn't know any good Fantasy Island references.

Here, actor Bob "Dustin" Diamond gets his red-spandexed tail kicked by Colleen "Sometimes I Worry My Sleeves Aren't Voluminous Enough" Wing. Y'know, I want to like Bob, what with the sweet jade "tiger's foot" pendant and the lucious blonde VanDyke. The latter being kind of daring for 1981 -- I mean, who still wore a VanDyke back then? French Ambassadors and NASA technicians, that's who! In other words, LOSERS! So kudos for still rockin' it, Bob! Sadly, when those little touches are combined with the score from your hideous scarlet karate costume, you still end up with a negative total. My solution? Shirtlessness! (Of course, my solution is usually shirtlessness.)

As we've seen, the clothing budget for "Power Man & Iron Fist" is quite extravagant. In fact, they spent so much time and money on the fashions, the supporting cast was kind of hastily cobbled together. Case in point: these two guys. Toby is blind "but he sees more than most people." Oh, so he's like Daredevil. Got it. Toby also appears to be a shabbily-dressed jazz musician. Apparently his playing sucks. Honestly, why couldn't he have been a successful, well-dressed jazz musician? Would that have killed anybody? And then there's the weasel-faced hippie on the right, David Griffith. Nickname: "D.W." (Really? You want to go there, writers? Yikes.) Looks like Kamandi is all growed up! His clothes aren't worth my attention but I did notice something interesting. David is insanely muscular for a hippie film student from 1981. I presume that's because it's a comic book. Check out any TV show or movie from back then. Muscular guys were few and far between, and they were usually athletes or hired goons. Your typical 1981 protagonist had spindly little arms, sloped shoulders, and a belly like a pregnant lady in her second trimester. And a perm! But I digress. In real life, almost nobody from 1981 was in shape! Not even in the fantasy worlds created by Hollywood. But look in any comic book and every background character is built like Captain America. It is a puzzlement.

Excellent three-piece suit, D.A. Hao! Those things always make a man look like a million bucks. The only thing that would make him look better? Shirtlessness! (You knew that one was coming, right? No? C'mon, keep up!) Lieutenant Scarfe, however... wow. What is that outfit, a salute to the Mexican flag? Was this picture taken at the precinct Christmas party? Does the Lieutenant suffer from red-green color blindness and it all looked gray to him? And what's with the half-melted happy face button? What's that, you say? It's a badge? Yeah, I'm not buyin' it. And why is his hair bright blue? What is he smoking? What kind of crazy freaked-out universe did I wind up in? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Like A Thing Unto Cashmere

Do you know the best part of any issue of "Power Man & Iron Fist"? It's not the non-stop action or the playful banter or the complex characterization. It's the gowns. The pretty, pretty gowns.

Here's Colleen Wing, enjoying a formal dress freakout in "Power Man & Iron Fist" #70 (June 1981). Colleen's gown has the elegance required for an evening at the opera, with just a hint of wanton sluttiness that's just perfect for an intimate night at the local sex dungeon. Everyone who's anyone wants this gown! Top-knotted immortal sorcerors, tattooed male ballerinas, dirty hippies (with utterly gorgeous biker 'staches... er, but I digress) and of course, Angela Bassett. In fact, the only one who isn't interested is Captain Kangaroo, and that's only because Colleen just put a stiletto heel in his left eye. Yeeeowwch! But it was too late for him anyway, because Clint Eastwood just used his lasso skills to rope hisself a prize filly! Thar'll be some tender cuts o' veal fer his vittles tonight! Yeeee-haw!

Baubles, bangles, and BAZOOMBAS!!! Here's busty Harmony Young, who's so enchanted with her gown that she doesn't mind at all that the giant disembodied head of her lover's old girlfriend floats above her noggin at all times. (Although why the old girlfriend is wearing little packets of allergy medicine for earrings is beyond me.) Harmony's gown has a generous slit (just like Harmony!) that gives her an unprecedented freedom of movement and 24- hour E-Z access to her cooter. Harmony has accessorized the look with a selection of rubber bands, Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" bracelets, the beaded chain from a pen at the bank, and some of those little zippy plastic deals that come off the lids to milk cartons.

Tomorrow: menswear!

A Battle Of Gastronomical Proportions!

On "Top Chef" most of the drama comes from the clash of contenders Betty and Marcel. Marcel is a boyish twenty-six-year-old with elaborate supervillain hair. Betty is an ostensibly perky forty-something gal with slathered-on makeup that looks fine indoors but transforms her into Baby Jane Hudson when exposed to direct sunlight. Marcel came onto the show with the self-fulfilling attitude that the other contestants were out to get him because he was so much more talented than they were -- his arrogance did indeed alienate him from almost everybody there (with the exception of one chef who had known him before the show) but in terms of talent he's firmly in the middle. The lower middle. Betty immediately charmed most of the chefs when she arrived. ("We're like sisters!" she chirped to the hapless first-eliminatee Suyai, who was at least twenty years her junior.) But soon enough she revealed herself to be prone to unwarranted, shrieky freak-outs... directed mainly at Marcel.

I started out liking Betty and hating Marcel. Now I think Betty is an unstable, paranoid, phony-ass bitch, while Marcel didn't turn out to be much of a villain. In fact, he helped Betty with her crappy desserts in the last episode, and when the judges criticized the desserts Betty pretty much accused Marcel of sabotage and called him "selfish." Whuh--?! However, Marcel is still far from a hero in my eyes. For one thing, he is far less mature, emotionally, than an educated, well-traveled twenty-six-year-old should be, as witnessed by his pathetic attempt to "stare down" Betty after her initial freak-out. And here's what I really despise about him: he tends to respond to any kind of confrontation with a goggle-eyed, smirking, infantile "Who, me?" look. That shit? Makes me want to punch him in the balls. So right now I can't stand either one of them. On the Television Without Pity boards, however, most people loooove Marcel. They've keyed into his self-imposed victimhood with the force of a thousand overprotective moms. They love his "adorkableness" (ew) and his wounded-puppydog eyes and his spindly, hairy body. "More shirtlessness, please!" they cry. I thank you, no. (Like I should talk--! But still.)

Thanks to his three-part bouffant hair-do and his convoluted facial hair, Marcel often draws comparisons to Wolverine. If you ask me, he's more like the Destructor, from "Ms. Marvel" #2 (February, 1977).

"Hat head" ahoy! Now, this is a more accurate representation of Marcel's hair than I've seen in any panel featuring Wolverine that was ever drawn. Or painted!

Arrogance? Check! Even though Wolverine often claims to be "the best he is at what he does" he never really comes off as arrogant about it. And unlike Marcel, Wolverine can actually back that statement up. Marcel consistently makes mediocre or even downright terrible food but he acts like he's the most talented chef in the competition. I guess that explains the hair. He's never encountered a reflective surface in his life!

Never jeer; the underdog is here! This is the kind of background detail a Marcel booster would pounce on in a nanosecond. "WHY do those jerks at L.A.M.E. always have to show up the Destructor? D. just wanted to relax in his comfy green chair and then that one guy plops his ass down in a freakin' THRONE! HATE!! I hope that L.A.M.E. scientist guy's kid reads this comic book and then he stabs his dad in the leg with a butcher knife." ...And I wish I was exaggerating. I once read a TWoP posting about Project Runway's resident jerk Jeffrey Sebelia (after he made Angela's mom cry) wishing for his own child to "claw that ugly tattoo off his neck." That's not "bombastically stating an opinion for humorous effect." That's psychotic. And please, let's leave the children out of this, okay? Christ almighty.

Inappropriate cuteness! Huge gaping mouth plus happy eyes minus nose equals "anime face." Marcel also looks like an anime character, what with his huge, pretty eyes and his goofball hair. And he has the exact same bodily proportions as Cloud Strife.

Conflict with a duplicitous blonde lady with a split-personality? Bingo.

And just like Ms. Marvel and the Destructor at the end of "Ms. Marvel" #2, Betty and Marcel are still hanging in there, their respective awfulness colliding like matter and anti-matter, leaving neither one as the victor. Of course, Ms. Marvel is sure to win the day. It's her book, after all! But Betty and Marcel? Which one of them will be sent home first? It's anybody's guess at this point. ( I can only say: TO BE CONTINUED!)

*Updated 12:17 PM with links to pictures of Marcel and Betty. Thy will be done, cozmic!

Joyeaux Nipple

As you know, I've been wearing the same old-timey Western outfit for several weeks and it finally occurred to me that I was being a bit ridiculous. So now I've decided to wear this Santa costume twenty-four hours a day!

Ho, ho, homoerotic! Who could have guessed that "Santa's beard" would turn out to be Mrs. Claus? Oh, I sleigh me! ...Sorry. I'll stop now.

I started with the silhouette -- I knew I wanted a reindeer head embossed in leather over my unjelly-like belly and I knew I wanted the top half of my torso to be exposed and to be framed by the white fur trim on the jacket. At first this design involved a big wrestling belt. But I've worn one of those before, so I modified it into a leather corset/unitard deal. I paired it up with tall pirate boots to help focus the eye on the reindeer symbol. The boots have a stylized Christmas tree with branches that mimic the reindeer's horns. I toyed with several different lengths on the jacket, but I settled on mid-length because, again, it wouldn't distract too much from the reindeer head. (I thought about matador-length, but dismissed it as too cutesy.) Instead of my usual goggles, I went with a domino mask. It doesn't obscure my gorgeous green eyes and it doesn't get in the way of the Santa hat. The gloves are flared in a 17th century Russian style.

And to finish the look, I "fell off the wagon" and changed my hair color. All my hair is bleached out to pure white now. You heard me. All of it. I had to get Jeremy to help me with some of the hard-to-reach areas. The poor lad passed out at one point -- presumably overcome by my raw sexuality, although I wouldn't rule out the bleach fumes or my gassiness from all that turkey I'd consumed... I sounded like a Phillip Glass score, played on a tuba.

Oh, and FYI I won't be posting again until Tuesday. Jeremy is visiting his folks in Arkansas this weekend and like usual I'm banned from using his computer while he's away. That's okay. I think I'll hop in my time bubble and go mess with Clement Moore's head.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

How To Duplicate Iron Man's Armor Without Really Trying

In "Iron Man" #1, a standard-issue mad scientist named Mordius (as opposed to Biff, Ernie, or Jo-Jo) manufactures some knock-offs of Iron Man's armor.

Ever go shopping for, say, a DVD player and wind up going with the Goldstar instead of the Sony because it's cheaper?

Yeah, this was kind of like that.

Other problems with the Mordius versions?

1. Sound effect made by the repulsor rays: "ZACHBRAAF!"
2. In some models, repulsor rays replaced by more economical but less helpful "delouser rays."
3. They're padded with comfy asbestos.
4. The shoulder joints utilize the finest in Snaptite technology.
5. No roller skates, but a unicycle pops out of the codpiece.
6. The helmets distort the wearer's voice so he sounds just like Paul Lynde.
7. Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.
8. When you walk around, the segmented underwear makes a really loud "zhizzhh zhizzhh zhizzhh" noise, like corduroy pants do.
9. When disassembled, they somehow manage to take up even more space than before. They can't be stored in anything smaller than a steamer trunk.
10. If you have to pee, forget about it.
11. Can't recharge using American outlets unless you get the special voltage converter (sold separately).
12. One of the helmets stinks like rotten eggs. Probably because Mordius put an egg salad sandwich in there this one time and he forgot about it for like a week, man.
13. The boots all have a sort of low-rise heel and pointy toes that make them look a bit girly in my opinion.
14. Never feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.

On a personal note... since I'm from a far-flung era where all mankind lives in harmonious cooperation I don't celebrate this "Thanksgiving" everybody keeps talking about. So instead I'll be enjoying an intimate turkey supper at Clive Barker's house!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Animal Lad

Animal Lad was rejected for Legion membership right after Polecat (ouch) and even worse, he was rejected by Dynamo-Boy. You remember Dynamo-Boy, don't you? He's the kid who used a piece of technology to simulate superpowers. Which is against Legion regulations. Not that they bothered to check. Funny, they're usually so thorough about that sort of thing. And Dynamo-Boy didn't tell them, either. Why would he? He was evil! As a "mole" for the Space Pirate Pack he contrived to kick all the other members out of the Legion and start afresh with a 100% criminal roster. Eventually things got sorted out, but not before the Legion of Super-Villains (don't ask) stuck their nose into things. They banished Dynamo-Boy to the (even more) distant future, when Earth was uninhabited and the Sun was dying. Hardcore! So it was in the middle of all this hullaballoo that Animal Lad tried out for the Legion. It was horrible timing. And a real shame, too. Check out his powers!

You know, I also have the ability to transform a man into a Bear but it involves a lot more leather, free weights, and fatty foods. *ahem* Er, anyway, let's get to the reason why Animal Lad didn't make the cut.

Because he's too good! *swoon* Aww, the poor fella! I want to do something nice for him. Like redesign his costume. 'Cause the shit he has on now? Coveralls with a Dave Cockrum belt? Not doin' it for me.

But this is! It's workin' for me like an illegal Durlan. On Sunday, baby!

My concept? Animal Lad's powers straddle the line between man and beast. My design follows suit by contrasting the modernity of a figure-hugging spacesuit with barbaric fur elements. I think blue is a fine color for blondes so I kept it. I added a wolfish gray for the fur pieces. The clasp on the cape is a stylized "A" which intentionally harkens back to Aquaman's belt buckle. And the hard-edged "Lorna Dane" headpiece is softened by his bushy goatee and his tousled shock of hair.

Footnote: Yes, I realize that the loincloth violates my "no overpants" rule. I made an exception because -- unlike every other example out there -- it strengthens an underlying concept instead of just being superfluous. Okay, enough blather. I hope you all like it!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Fire Lad

As rejected Legion applicants go, Fire Lad actually has some decent powers, and they make for a neat visual; he breathes fire. The Legion turned him down because his power was "too dangerous and might cause accidental holocausts." I think that was just a nice way of telling him his costume sucked.

Designed by the Archduke of Squares, John Forte, Firelad's duds hit the viewer over the head with a "FIRE!!!" theme, including a fireball belt buckle that looks more like a pretty yellow carnation. My suggestion: dial that shit back a notch. Or two!

I've balanced out all that yellow, orange, and red with an equal amount of cool white. And I designed a nice, graphic torch symbol for him. I also like the contrast of the head-wrapping cowl and the punky haircut. It's an edgy look to go with his carnival sideshow powers.