Sunday, July 24, 2005

Little Blog on the Prairie: A New Beginning

To give this blog a distinctive focus, I'm turning it over to Blockade Boy himself! That's right, the one from "Adventure Comics" numbers 344 and 345. Blockade Boy wants to use this space to post his redesigned versions of various superhero costumes. The following is a transcript of a recent interview I conducted with the man himself.

Me: I'm sure this blog's readers (all two of them) are wondering: what qualifies you to tell other superheroes how to dress? Your own costume looked just like regular clothes. Also, aren't you dead?

Blockade Boy: [laughs] Ouch! To answer your first question, that wasn't my superhero costume you saw in those comic books. Here's the deal... my former friend Weight Wizard and I were trying on t-shirts and cargo pants at Old Space Navy, when Nardo's android henchmen stormed the changing rooms, zapped us senseless, and spirited us off to that remote prison camp. We were actually the first two superheroes he captured! We didn't know what he had planned. That's how Weight Wizard talked me into shaving off my sweet-ass muttonchops and goatee, and buzzing my hair real short. He said that Nardo would just shave us completely naked anyway -- he said he saw the same thing happen in an old holo-movie. Well, I panicked. I hate it when somebody else tries to do my hair -- they never do it right. So anyway, there I was, looking like the world's biggest square, and I asked him, did he want me to shave his hair off, too? See, I used to style Weight Wizard's hair for him all the time, plus I'd coordinate his outfits. But at any rate, he said no, he was just kidding about me having to shave all my hair off. So I beat the everloving crap out of him. Not much later he cozied up to Nardo and basically became his bitch. All becaused he was scared of me.

Me: And not long after that, he was devoured by an enormous extraterrestrial water lily.

Blockade Boy: Seriously? That is so weird, because that's exactly how he wanted to die. We got really drunk this one time and spent the whole night talking about the most perfectly beautiful way to die. I said I wanted to be trampled by unicorns, and he said he wanted to be eaten by a huge flower.

Me: You didn't know that Weight Wizard is dead?

Blockade Boy: No! You're not joking? He's really dead?

Me: I'm sorry, but yes.

Blockade Boy: [sobbing] Can... can we stop for a sec?


Me: So, I guess you didn't read those comics all the way through.

Blockade Boy: No, I stopped after they killed me off. Now, about that... I was just pretending to be dead. It was the only way I could think of escaping. I mean, my power is changing into a wall, for Pete's sake. Not a lot of offensive capability, y'know? Defense, that's a different story. When I'm a wall, nothing can hurt me. Anyway, Matter-Eater Lad and I were pretty far away from the prison at that point, so when Nardo and his hench-bots showed up, I "took a bullet" as you filthy cavemen like to say, and I play-acted my balls off. Once everyone was gone, I scrammed out of there. It took awhile, but I finally made it to civilization. I went straight to the nearest Science Police station. But by that time, the Legion of Superheroes had freed everyone.

Me: And now you redesign superhero costumes. Why?

Blockade Boy: Well, it all started when I snuck into the Legion of Superheroes Clubhouse and, shall we say, "borrowed" one of their Time Bubbles. I went back in time to 1940's Hollywood to meet my idols, like legendary MGM costume designer Adrian. Adrian and I had each other's backs in a barroom brawl with Orry-Kelly and Edith Head. Adrian threw a handful of sequins in their eyes and then I bludgeoned them senseless with the unconscious body of Coco Chanel. But I digress. I couldn't return to the 30th century after all because of some kind of time distortion. Apparently since I left, all of reality was completely destroyed and rebuilt... twice! At least! So now I just hop around the timestream and all sorts of dimensions, and generally have a great time. And you know what? There are tons of superheroes out there who need my help. And I'm happy to give it. What can I say? I have a heart as big as all outdoors. When I see an ugly superhero costume, I go to work, imagining what it would look like with some improvements. If only they would listen to me! Anyhow, I usually do two redesigns for each superhero. One design retains as many elements from the original costume as humanly possible, and with the other one, I just go nuts. I'll post them here so everyone can see how great I am! But for starters, here's a picture of me in one of my actual costumes, not that get-up I was wearing in the prison camp.


I call this pose, "Stop, in the name of Blockade Boy!" And do you love that neckline? I always say, if you have broad shoulders, show 'em off! And as you can see, I like things to be fairly streamlined. The only piece of bling-bling is my beltless buckle, which I made in the shape of the Interlac language "B."

Me: Very nice. So, what do you like to see in a superhero costume?

Blockade Boy: I like all sorts of looks. The Aquaman neckline, of course. High collars are good, too. Domino masks. Hooded cloaks. I like almost any kind of gloves and boots unless they extend past the elbows and knees. I'm pretty broad-minded.

Me: What do you hate?

Blockade Boy: For starters? No man should wear puffy sleeves unless he's a pirate, Firestorm. I also hate cut-outs, bell bottoms, and clunky, furry boots. I hate extraneous armbands, straps, and pouches. Shirts that are open to the navel or beyond. Chain-link anything. Metal bras, panties, and bustiers. The combination of bare thighs and covered arms, but only on men. High heels and fishnet stockings, with a special exemption for magicians. And I despise underwear worn outside of the clothes. What is up with that? Are these people worried they'll forget to change their underpants unless they put them on last? C'mon!

Me: You certainly know what you want! Thanks for talking with me, and for taking over this blog.

Blockade Boy: Thank you! And all you superheroes out there, flying around in your ugly-ass costumes? You're welcome. (In advance.)