Time-Travel Challenge: Dazzler To Flapper

With the Time-Travel Challenge, I take a comic book character who typified the trends of a particular decade, and relocate them to another era... with appropriate alterations.

Chawunky suggested I do this with 70's disco queen Dazzler; Scipio suggested I move her to the 20's and call her Flapper. Well, they really didn't have proper comic books in the 20's. But they sure as hell had comic strips!

From the book "Pioneering Women In Comic Strips" by Robbie Jerrison, published on Earth-36-24-36:

According to her friends and family, Claire Chrismont was a woman of few words. Despite -- or perhaps because of that -- her comic strip "Flapper" was a masterpiece of energy and pacing, with lean, snappy dialogue that only intruded upon the lovingly-delineated artwork when absolutely necessary.

The title character, Alison Blaire, was a shapely, roller-skating madcap with aspirations to a singing career. She was also fond of wearing spangles and sequins, which gave Chrismont the opportunity to decorate panels with dozens of "glitter lines" -- tiny starbursts which surrounded the character like a halo.

In 1926, the year of Flapper's debut, the newspapers were already filled with similar strips, such as Winnie Winkle the Breadwinner, Tillie the Toiler, Fritzi Ritz, and Mazie the Model. Where Chrismont's strip excelled, however, was in its supporting characters. While other comic strip flappers dealt with antagonists who were EITHER comic OR villainous, Alison Blaire was confronted on a daily basis by powerful oddballs who were a combination of both. And although they looked relatively normal, on an emotional level they gave the misfits of Dick Tracy's rogues gallery a run for their money.

Three of these were introduced in the strip's very first year, and they would be fixtures in "Flapper" for decades. There was Victor Von Doom, an eastern European playboy more in love with his own dueling scar than he would ever be with Alison. There was Bruce Banner, a meek, spindly radio show director with a non-verbal "split personality" that granted him the strength to overturn cars and bend lamp posts in half. And most memorably, there was the career-devouring gossip columnist Gail Atticus, whose inexplicable hatred for Alison was equalled only by her fondness for gigantic hats.

Beginning in the 30's, "Flapper" was handed off to a succession of female cartoonists, including Dee Falco, Fanny Dingeroth, and Midge Shooter, By 1958, its popularity had waned, and syndicate editors merged it with "Longshot," a dying strip about a three-fingered jockey. The new strip, Mex-Babies, found the two disparate characters running an orphanage in Tiajuana. It folded after three months.

Jeremy has the entire run of Dazzler in his collection. I'll pause here while you finish laughing. Done? Great. Anyhow, it made research a snap! As for the look, I just put her in a sparkly frock and changed the face paint to a mask-on-a-stick.

Whaddaya think?

Letters From A Henchman, Part Two: Evil On Parade

Dear Gladys,

I ben in prison again for two hole months now and you never come seen me or wrote me or nothing so I am writing you a new letter to say how come. Maybe you never got the last letter I sent you so to sum up, since I got outta prison I racked up some pretty heavvy gambeling debts but then I gotta job to pay them off only the job was for this supervillain named "Meeraj" and he was gonna kidnap the Thing from a hospitle but it turns out Meeraj ain't that good a supervillain and long story short we got caught and I'm in prison again. Also I asked you to send some mackaroons for me and my cell mate Fabian cause it turns out we both like mackaroons. But in case you DID get my last letter then you remmember how I said I would tell you what happenned when I was in that big supervillain army that was in all the papers so here goes.

Like I told you before Daredevil was beating the holy hell outta us henchmen but then Meeraj decides he is gonna take him on singlehanded and he uses his illuzhun deal to make dooplickets of himself so I elbow this other guy Charlie and I say "This hole jobs gone south so whaddaya say we make a break for it" and Charlie says "Thats a pretty good idea." So we take off those dumb head gear things Meeraj made us wear and we just stroll around the corner easy as you please trying to disguise our limps and trying to make sure none a the bloody teeth Daredevil knocked loose fall outta our mouths and also we pass a supply closet so Charlie and me slip in there real quick and put on some operating pajamas over our bad guy outfits and next thing you know we are near the front door. Oh and meanwhile a bunch a other crap is going on like Thor fighting the Mole Man so its not like people are paying any attenshun to us anyway. But right outside the front doors is four cops with guns and me and Charlie deside to double-back but then this guy in a black catfish mask or something knocks them all out with a gas grenade and we figger he's gonna walk right in thru the doors but instead he blasts a hole in the wall NEAR the doors and walks thru THAT which is just stupid. And then he gets punched in the kisser by Ant Man and then ants attack and he runs away. And then Ant Man flies off so we finally can make it outside and I am thinking we are home free but then we run smack dab into this guy named "The Melter" who right away can tell we are henchmen so he pretty much orders us to join his supervillain army. And I know what you say Gladys about how I shud stand up for myself more but I was really stuck there, I mean I don't got no super powers and the other guy was named "The Melter" which told me right then and there that if I did'nt do what he said he was gonna melt something offa me like maybe an arm or even my head. So the Melter marches us thru a alley to a old department store that nobody was using and it is filled to the gills with bad guys. I see a lotta guys I seen on teevee before like the Constrickter and the Rhino and the Beatle and Blacklash plus that one guy with the big giant head and the Pete Rose haircut, M.U.R.D.O.C.K. or whatever. And also my cell mate Fabian was there! Only I did'nt know it at the time since we had'nt met yet and also he was in a suit of armer and he called hisself the Meckano Marawder. Anyway some a them had already got their tails kicked in the hospitle but they figgered strenth in numbers so why not just head back down there in a mob? So we did.

Well I wish I could say we were a scary site but to tell the truth a lotta the guys were kinda chubby and out a shape espeshully the Constrickter and even the ones who were halfway fit were dressed like freaking circus clowns like Blacklash and that dumb green Judy Jetson ponytail of his or the Melter and his two-tone stripey pants and teeny helmet or even my pal Fabian who had a suit that made him look like a robot version of our nations capital. And then the women were'nt even hot or nothing they were wresslers I guess so they had man sholders and these huge fat asses and I swear that one lady Poundcakes even had what looked to me like a shlong. Oh and the only skinny one was Screaming Mimi but she was even dressed EXACKTLY like a clown with the face paint and the ruffly skirt like Cyndi Lauper and you know how much I valew our merrage Gladys so let me confess right here and now that yes I was thinking about putting the moves on her but then it ockurred to me how much I love you and also she came off as kinda twitchy and crazy and like a real ball cutter if you know what I mean so I left well enuff alone. So anyway we are marching down the street and me and Charlie are stuck in the back with the Mole Man's guys plus I have to walk right behind the Rhino who smells like our Naugahyde couch after that one time when your brother Freddie got drunk and peed hisself so already I can tell this whole mess is not going to turn out good. And alla the people on the sidewalks are pointing at us and gabbing and they look real ecksited but they do'nt look scared or nothing cause like I said we ressemballed a parade more than a army. That one guy M.U.R.D.O.C.K. even FLOATS like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon. If I remmember it rite I think one kid even yelled at us and wanted to know why we were'nt throwing any candy. And then we don't even make it back inside the hospitle cause there is a ekwally big army of superheros waiting for us right outside the doors and then we all throw down.

There were some good guys I reckognized like Captin America and the Fantastick Four but also a bunch I never seen before or at least if I did I do'nt remmember which cud be from all the times they knocked me in the head. Like there was this metal guy in red hip-waders and this furry blue guy with a devil tail and also the HULK was there if you can belive it even tho I still ca'nt cause I did'nt even know the Hulk WAS a good guy since he mainly just runs around destroying shit and also is'nt the US GOVERMENT looking for him rite now? I mean it'd be like if the cops in London were shooting at some bank robbers and then the Irish Republickan Army shows up and says to the cops "Hey can we help?"

So in the fight a couple a our guys get taken out right away like Meeraj OF COURSE and also the Melter which is just sad since the whole clusterfuck was HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE but by then we are in the middle of it so we ca'nt just turn tail and run. Me and Charlie are just doing our best to stay out a the way, ducking and dodging and shit and then Thor nails Fabian right in the belly but he manages to get a few shots off which is cool but the only fighters he took out with them are the Mole Man's guys so that's like minus points for our team. Now I am not one hunderd percent positiv this next part happened like I saw it so bear with me but I coulda sworn Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH and rode the Rhino around like a bull at a rodeo, anyways thats what it looked like from my angle. Also this short hairy-armed guy in a ugly orange and brown outfit is fighting Blacklash using KNIVES on his hands so I guess he's another villain who got confused like Fabian did. I bet his face is read now! The last thing I remmember this orange Bigfoot guy I never seen before lifts some robot guy I never seen before over his head and then M.U.R.D.O.C.K. shoots a squiggly laser outta his noggin and lifts the Bigfoot guy offa the ground and tosses him like twenty feet thru the air and guess who he lands on? Yours truly. Not to menshun the Bigfoot guy got knocked out so I'm trapped underneath him with his knee-length pubes in my mouth until the cops show up.

So now I'm in jail again. Gladys I know we had our problems but I miss you and to tell you the truth what scares me most is how much I DO'NT MIND seeing no women around here. Fabian is great and we can talk for hours and hours or sometimes we just look at each other which is nice too since he has these really good looking eyes and a nice smile and his back massahges are the BEST but you are my wife and we will always have that. So please come and see me here real soon okay? I love you.

Your faithfull husband,
Lenny

P.S. Don't forget the mackaroons.

Farrah Fawcett Grampa

In the Marvel Universe, there is a family of timeless, god-like beings called the Elders of the Universe. Among these is the Gardener. The Gardener dresses simply, in a robe and sandals. Ostensibly it's because he's a deeply spiritual man who is One With Nature... but if you ask me, he's just trying to put even more visual emphasis on his spectacularly feathered hair. I mean, look at that glorious mop! Sure, he pulls the old "humble hermit" act when he's around other people, but you just know the moment he's alone, out comes the hairspray, a brush, and a hairdryer that runs on the Power Cosmic. Better yet, he accessorizes with Adam Warlock's soul gem and a bird with an identical hairstyle! (Lookalike pets... what is this, a Marvel comic or a Hanna-Barbara cartoon?)

And now, a completely imaginary romance between the Gardener and the Incredible Hulk, hastily cobbled out of random panels from "The Incredible Hulk" #248 (June, 1980).



Angry sex! Yes, Gardener, the Hulk really knows how to work over a guy's "staff." The Hulk and the Gardener were quite the couple after that. They went everywhere together -- quarreling constantly but just as often stealing away for more furious lovemaking. The Hulk moved into the Gardener's ashram and took to wearing (tattered) hemp pants and restricting himself to a macrobiotic diet. He'd only eat whole, live deer and yaks and manatees and such. For his part, the Gardener started going around shirtless, and he learned to appreciate the simple pleasures of leaping over the Grand Canyon in a single bound, pounding military vehicles into unrecognizable lumps of steel, and referring to himself in the third person. But such volatile romances rarely last. Annoyed by the Hulk's absolute refusal to either do his share of the housekeeping or to go out and find a damn job, the Gardener accepted Xemnu the Living Titan's invitation to join him in a glamorous ski vacation, and summarily kicked the Hulk out on his ass. The Hulk was devastated, and even contemplated suicide.



The Hulk couldn't go through with it, however. Because he weighs 1040 pounds and has skin like rhino hide, so the rope just snapped in two. Still, he was mopey for a long while. Love had died in his heart.



Aw! A happy ending! Turned out Xemnu had also invited Quasar and the Living Tribunal on that ski trip, and was apparently expecting some kind of "four-way" to occur. The Gardener was humiliated. Finally, he returned to the Hulk, because he knew their love was meant to be. Also because he's an enabler, and in some dark corner of his mind he gets off on taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate him.

(Okay, so maybe the ending's not that happy.)

Gown Syndrome

In "The Incredible Hulk" #262 (August, 1981) Bruce Banner washes up on a Malibu beach, clad only in his trademark tattered purple slacks. He's resuscitated by a gorgeous, pigment-free woman in an evening gown, mink stole, and opera gloves. Then he passes out again. When he returns to consciousness...



So basically, it's implied that the mysterious woman took Bruce Banner's measurements while he was passed out! "Dang it, I'll have to measure that tricky inseam again! Well, the eleventh time should be the charm! Tee hee!"

Do you think Bruce was disappointed that the pants weren't purple? I can just see him having a flop-sweating, forearm-scratching, junkie-like reaction to all that white. "Um, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful you saved my life 'n' all, but... are you sure you don't have any "Rit" dye around here anywhere? Or even some food coloring?" And then he'd wind up hunched over in a corner of the house, rocking himself back and forth, muttering, "No purple, no purple...!"



Glazier is my favorite Hulk villain because she wears a gown and opera gloves -- and she does it pretty much all the time. I think all the best Hulk villains wear gowns. The Leader, the Abomination, General "Thunderbolt" Ross... what?! Well, I didn't say they wore gowns on panel. Anyway, Glazier's homelife is like my daydreams. She lives in a beautiful home on the beach, she's always attired in expensive garments, and she's surrounded 24/7 by men, men, men! She also has a big white dog named "Snowstar" -- a moniker that makes me suspect the canine is either a frequenter of internet bulletin boards or a tertiary X-Men character. Or a coke dealer.

Now, about those "lifelike" statues of men... have you guessed what the "big twist" climax of the story will be? (I guess I kinda halfway spoiled it by saying she was a villain.) If you haven't figured it out yet, consult your Big Book Of Fantasy Plot Cliches. Or any book on Greek mythology. But I digress. Bruce shacks up with this woman for a whole month, until this happens:



Oh, dear. Well, now we know why she wears the opera gloves all the time. Bitch needs to moisturize! In a roundabout way, that also explains why she wears the evening gowns. I mean, what else goes with opera gloves? Opera gloves minus evening gown plus any other type of clothing equals? Miss Piggy.