Friday, October 20, 2006
The haunted haberdashery puts a serious crimp in the League's crimefighting efforts. But more importantly, most of it just doesn't look very good! Why, if I had been in charge of the dialog... *cue harp glissando*
Superman: These glasses -- have given me the appearance of a stocky 60's business executive at a costume party... and the urge to down like, nine martinis, while chainsmoking and pinching my buxom secretary's ass!
Batman: This high school class ring on my hand -- paints me as a loser whose only success was as a varsity football hero! And now it's ten years later and I'm working as a delivery boy for a Chinese take-out joint, and I've gotten so chubby the goddamn ring won't come off my fat finger, and sometimes I have to deliver eggrolls to old classmates of mine, and they're living in these big fancy houses with gorgeous babes hanging off their arms, and the chicks look at me with this little sneer on their face like "Who's the loser?" and I think back about how I used to give the guy she's sleeping with a "swirly" in the boy's bathroom pretty much every day and now he's banging this hottie and then he pays me with a twenty and says "Keep the change" and I try to say "no" but he puts the money in my shirt pocket like he's doing me a fucking favor and he looks sincerely concerned about me and at that point I really want to give him another swirly.
Hawkman: Ever since these gloves appeared on my hands, I can do the dishes without the harsh detergents ruining my lovely hands! Also, just by having a little more skin covered up I now realize how creepy it is for me to galavant about in public with my shirt off in the still-square days of 1965, I mean, if it was the late 90's and I was a college boy at Lollapalooza with this amazing body sure I'd probably be shirtless along with all the other short-haired pseudo-hippie frat boys buying a six-foot-tall bong with my daddy's American Express card and pumping my fists to a Snoop Dogg number and thinking about date-raping that high school girl I'd flirted with fifteen minutes ago but right now? Kinda creepy. Also, I really wish I knew what happened to my nipples... and my package!
Wonder Woman: How can I defeat my foe, when the mask I'm wearing betrays my penchant for buying glitzy crap on QVC? It's covered in genuine cubic zirconia! I'm paying for it in twelve E-Z installments of $89.95! My house is filled with junk like this! I can't seem to help myself! Please, somebody help me! I'm living on cat food!
The Atom: And what chance do I have of overcoming my foe when I look like a complete dork? Also, I have an antenna on my head! I look like a bottle of liquid soap! No, I said only I only look like -- HEY! Put me down! Don't squeeze -- AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! *dies*
And to answer your question, Steven, I haven't forgetten about the "supervillain accessories" post. By which I mean I did completely forget about it until just now. D'oh!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
- The shiny new University of Arizona Stadium has a retractable grass field! (Wouldn't it be awesome if they retracted it in the middle of a game? Like when the score is 20-0 in favor of the Cardinals, just for a random example? And if beneath the field there was a big open shark tank, or maybe a pit filled with bobcats and stalagmites and landmines?) Also, the stadium has a roof that can slide open and which makes it look like a Celestial's bedpan.
- Michele Tafoya is wearing a neutral blazer, a persimmon-colored blouse, and more gold chains than Mister T.
- Announcer: "The big stage does not intimidate [Cardinals quarterback] Matt Leinart!" I agree. I once saw him in an off-Broadway production of "Dubarry Was A Lady" and he brought the house down! He had five curtain calls! Five!
- Leinart is wired for sound, so every so often we're "treated" to his on-field remarks. Let's just say he's no Dorothy Parker. Example: "YeeeeeEEEEEAAA*voice cracking in the middle of it*AAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhh WOO!" Money well-spent!
- Cardinals kicker Scott Player's "single bar" helmet is one of the dorkiest things I've ever seen... and I frequent comic book stores! And the bar isn't even up around his mouth! Apparently Player has a deep-seated fear of being punched in the Adam's apple. And after seeing him in that helmet I want to do just that.
- Monday Night Football suddenly turns into "People Magazine" with a montage of quarterback/female celebrity couples: Leinart/Paris Hilton (ew), Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan (who?!), Troy Aikman/Lorrie Morgan, Terry Bradshaw/Jo Jo Starbuck, and Joe Namath/Ann-Freaking-Margret. Namath wins.
- Less than 3:00 before the half, the score is 17-0, Cardinals. Booth guest Charles Barkely thinks the Bears can still win it. Tony "My First Combover" Kornheiser thinks he's out of his mind. I realize that I'm beginning to hate Tony Kornheiser. He strikes me as a know-it-all weisenheimer who isn't nearly as funny or clever as he thinks he is. And I can't stand looking at him. Get a decent haircut already!
- Leinart, wired for sound: "Are you ready for some footBAAALLLL?" I'm ready for you to shut the hell up, is what I'm ready for.
- Even though they make a turnover within twenty yards of their own goal, the Cardinals are kept from making another touchdown by both the Bears and a heaping portion of their own incompetence. They have to make do with a field goal. The score is 20-0.
- Barkley (a Cardinals fan): "I'm gonna make a prediction. Twenty ain't gonna be enough to win this game." Kornheiser is graciously indulgent with the poor, deluded Barkely.
- Third quarter: Scott Player gets knocked down by a Bear and briefly assumes the pose of an Odalisque before getting back up again. Quit showboating your ass, Player! And lose the dork helmet!
- With two seconds left in the third quarter, the Bears make their first touchdown. With the extra point and a previous field goal, the score is 23-10, Cardinals.
- According to an announcer, Cardinals #32 Edgerrin James went to his managers and insisted the team be given black shoes instead of white shoes. (Unless they're playing before Labor Day.)
- Fourth quarter: Cardinals #25 Eric Green tackles Bears #87 Mushin Muhammad by smashing into him from behind (what are you snickering at?) and the instant replay has a beautiful slow-mo view of the two of them falling on their asses at the exact same time.
- Fourth: the Cardinals intercept a pass at the start of a play. #90 Darnell Dockett gets the ball and is immediately sacked, but he manages to land on top of Bears #81 Rashied Davis, pops back up and takes off down the field seventy yards for a touchdown. He picks up an entourage of five more Cardinals before he makes it to the end zone, the bizarre spectacle looking for all the world like the finale of "The Music Man" -- but it turns out most of the Bears weren't all that keen on chasing after him because they saw his knee had touched the ground. The Bears make a challenge. Touchdown denied!
- Bears #54 Brian Urlacher scoops up the ball after teammate Charles Tillman pulls the ball away from the Edgerrin (Edward G. Robinson voice: "Where's your black shoes now? Myah!") and the Bears get another touchdown and the extra point, so the score becomes 23-17, Cardinals.
- A Bears fan in the stands has a big glowing neon circle on his chest. I bet he models for Ethan Van Sciver.
- With 2:58 left on the clock, an astounding 82-yard punt reception by Bears #23 Devin Hester ties the game. Chicago makes the extra point, but of course. Note to self: ask Charles Barkley for some good stock tips.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Jon requested something formal with a button-up front -- like 19th century military uniforms (or Captain Marvel) -- in black or slate gray. I went with the latter color for the tunic and the trousers and used black for the gloves and boots. The circular insignia on the shoulders and on the helmet is from Jon's profile pic, which he informs me is Shane Gooseman of the Galaxy Rangers. That inspired me to incorporate curving lines into the front panel of the tunic and the visor of the helmet. And here's a photo of the earthbound version of Jon, which I used as reference for the head. No idea if Jon's nose actually looks the way I made it look in 3/4 profile, but he hasn't complained about it. Yet! Anyway, I'll take that as a good omen. Also, I think I'm starting to get the hang of depicting shiny black surfaces. Yay, me!
For a broader look at the fashions of the Intergalactic Gladiator's world, check this out:
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show in space!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Here, she leads a group of her fellow women (and a few woman-y men, if you know what I mean and I think you do) in a set of suggestive exercises which strengthen the Naughty Regions and promote more informed and therefore enjoyable intercourse. I have a serious problem with this. One of the key parts of the Lancelot Steele Bedroom Experience is the element of surprise, as in "No, baby, it's supposed to feel like that! No, no, sweetheart, no, don't cry! No, I never said it was your fault! You're just new at this, is all. Look, you get yourself untangled, maybe wipe that one part off with some of those Kentucky Fried Chicken wet-naps I keep piled by the bed, I'll go turn that Journey album over to side "B" and we'll try again." See, keeping the weaker sex "in the dark" about certain matters assures you the upper hand in the bedroom. You'll be more confident, she'll sense your confidence and get even more turned on, and that will give you yet more confidence, and so forth in a vicious, sexy circle. Heck, you might not even have to actually get it on! You could just lay there and cuddle for a while! Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I kind of prefer it!
Do the Hustle! Here, the Dazzler takes a cue from the Steele-man and scurries a potential rival out of the general area as soon as she spots a couple of hot prospects. She even stole one of my pickup lines! ("All right, you two-- hold it right there!" which I normally address to a woman's boobs but I suppose it could work just as well when talking to two people.) Look at her! She's even dressed mannishly! Y'know, it's odd, but I've never been more attracted to her. Huh.
So here's Dazzler on the Moon, and she immediately scopes out the room for suitable bed-partners... Steele-style! And she also looks for any infants she could kidnap and use in a paternity scam. She does that a lot.
But she doesn't waste too much time on that last thing. Because she's a new kind of woman. A single-minded woman. A Steele woman. A woman who's not afraid to enjoy sex!
And sure, making love to a Steele woman is like nothing you've ever known. But as soon as you're done she's out the door, and she won't call you the next day.
And that may sound like the perfect hook-up. But if you're anything like me, it'll leave you hiding out behind the gauzy drapes of your four-poster bed, stuffing Reece's Pieces into your mouth, doodling "Mr. Lancelot Dazzler" in the pages of your Trapper Keeper, and sobbing hysterically.
Married men, beware! The sacred bonds of matrimony are but as tissue paper to the Steele woman! Armed with nothing but an unblinking stare and a startling directness, she can initiate hump-making with any man at any time!
And now for some bonus advice: you know what always impresses the babes? (Except for the Steele women but we shall speak no more of them.) Technology! I have a whole wall of my awe-inspiring bachelor pad devoted to video games! I have all the computer and console monitors labeled, and when I really want to show off I play the same game on all of them at once! Dig it!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Well whaddaya know Im a colunmist now! Blockayde Boy sez my letters to my dear Glynda gone over so well in the future in another dimenshun that folks over there are clammering for more and as I been thinking about riting my ottobiography anyhow I figgered why not and also when your locked up in the joint like I offen am and a guy whose way bigger and hairier than you are suddenly mateerialyzes in your cell and asks you to do something it dont matter what it is you just DO IT.
Well Blockayde Boy asked me if I ever henched for a mook name of "Stingaree"and it just so happens I did and then Blockayde Boy asked me if I wood rite down my impreshuns of working for him so here goes.
Its 1967 and me and Glynda are going thru a rough patch on account of me not being abel to spend time with Manny Jr. like a dad should on account of me spending about twennyfive percent of the year henching and the other sixtyfive percent in the slammer and as a result we got money troubels like you wouldnt beleive lemme tell you. So when I get out of prison that year I make up my mind to do rite by my wife and my kid and that means I gotta find me a SAFER hench job someplace there aint no superheroes like overseas maybe and also it oughta pay real good so I can set them outta that shack they been living in and set them up someplace more glammerus like Rockaway. So that means I gotta swallow my pride and ask that jerk Panama for a favor cause I know he got innernashunal coneckshuns up the wazoo. (Oh and I guess I should explain all us guys call him Panama cause he sure likes them hats and I hardly ever seen him without one like even in the clink he somehow finnaygled a way to wear one and the hacks dont allow no hats at ALL normally on account of that insident with Crazy Quilt and the warden and the skwirrel that got in here somehow and the bottle of rubber cement. And still somehow Panama convinsed them to let him wear a hat I guess cause he is a fast talker and hes got a lot on the ball only most of us in the hench game dont care for him cause hes a grade a knowitall and sure he talks a lot but hes mainly stating the ovvious and after a while you just wanna kick him in the nuts.) So anyhow I meet up with Panama in his "office" in the back room of this poolhall in Newark and hes all gussied up in this thing that looks like a Superman costume only it got a C on the chest instead of a S and hes wearing this gray helmet that looks like a welders helment kind of but of course the Panama hat perched on top gives him rite away. And I know he must of landed a real sweet gig this time cause hes cockier than ever and really lording it over me that I even have to ask for a job and I wanna take that stupid hat off his stupid head and cram it right down his stupid throat but what can I do I got a wife and a kid and I gotta do rite by them you know? So I grin and bare it and the next thing I know Im working for the famous crime syndicket CYCLOPS in HOLLAND and the pays pretty good I got more than plenty to send home to Glynda and Manny Jr. and still have some left over for hookers and booze on a Friday nite and if I had to complain about anything it would just be that the food aint all that good like everything is covered in cheese sauce wether you ask for it or NOT altho the coffee aint half bad oh and also this one time I went looking for a baseball mitt for Manny Jr. and when Id try to describe it to the stupid Holland store clerks they just looked at me like I was outta my goddamn mind.
So the Cyclops boss is this nut Stingaree dressed all in green with a manta on his chest and he has both a cape AND a tail and when hes talking to you the tail twitches around and lifts up the back of the cape like its trying to cop a feel on Stingarees ass and its just really distrackting. On the plus side as soon as Panama returned there with me and a coupel other new guys in tow Stingaree takes one look at that dopey hat of his and his tail SHOOTS OUT and knocks the hat right offa Panamas head and pins it to the wall and even tho Panama was wearing the regalashun gray helmet and I couldnt see his frightend puss I saw these little droplits of sweat pop out all over his fat neck. So that was pretty sweet. (And by the way? Panama was never a leader type or nothing I mean me and him essenshully had the same job title but that didnt stop him from trying to give the rest of us henchmen orders I dont know what was up with that other than him being a jackass.) After that they fitted me for a uniform and the queer little taylor guy from Armenia with the pensilled-on mustache got too touchy feely on the inseam part if you ask me but hey Id just got there I didnt wanna make no waves. Im a "go along to get along" type guy when I have to be. Oh and also they handed me the Cyclops oreentashun manyual which if Id been just starting out in the biz woulda depressed the shit outta me but beleive you me I seen it all before but if you guys in the future dimenshun are interested heres the jist of it quoted as near as I can rembember:
- Yes we are aware that the inspeckshun devise in the main coridor bares a striking resemblense to the male member. Any remark made by you about the simmilerities will result in your suspenshun or possibly death depending on what kind of mood Stingaree is in that day.
- Ditto for your brite red grapnel gun espeshully as it has that one part that looks like balls.
- Please do not play on beneath next to around or near the Liquidator tank robot it is not a toy.
- Do not make any puns involving the dikes and Stingarees sister.
- Stingaree reserves the rite to use his fearfull powers on you at the time and place of his choosing and without your consent.
- Always clean up after yourself in the breakroom your mother doesnt work here.
- Please refrayne from taunting the janitorial staff Holland hates us enough as it is and quite frankly the constent remarks about their acksents arent helping the sitchuashun.
- Even tho your face is covered up by a gray helmet Stingaree can tell when you arent smiling at him. Dont get him wrong he dont want you to get a boner or nothing but would it kill you to smile I mean its only common curtessy. And make it look sinsere.
Also I should probbly menshun my speerits werent ecksackly lifted when I got to my locker cause heres what I found written on the door:
Kind of a high turnover rate dont you think espshully when you consider they only been using that base for THREE MONTHS. And my guess is those poor saps didnt find no better job oppertunities or nothing they probbly got themselfs kacked by Stingaree.
Okay so I manage to last a hole five weeks without getting on Stingarees bad side (altho I swear maybe TWO DOZEN henchmen came and went in the meantime and Id say for sure Stingaree offed at least half of them if not more I know I persunally seen him do it on seven diffrent occayshuns) and I feel like Im really settling in there at the Cyclops base and Im making loads of dough so of course the base has to get infultrated by that weerd superhero Metal Murphy and also Elementary Girl who if you can beleive THIS used to be Stingarees FIANSAY! Dont get me wrong she got a shape on her and she kinda looks like Charro in the face but COME ON her hair is GREEN and her right leg looks like its made outta DOG SHIT plus she smells like that stuff they use to clean swimming pools but if you enjoy gallavanting around wearing a goddamn TAIL I guess your up for ANYTHING.
So anyhow we think the Liquidator will stop them but they bash it up real bad and finally the walls of the coridor close in on it and crush it while the two of them turn into smelly gas and excape and if I could just innerjeck here nobody bothered to tell ME the coridor walls were desined to do that like it aint even in the MANYUAL and youd think thats the kinda thing itd be helpful for your henchmen to know so they dont acksidennally get trapped or nothing Im just saying is all. And then Stingaree kind of halfway melts them using the sonic cannon but they ooze thru a grate and head for an air vent and Stingarees voice comes over the innercom saying "STINGAREE TO ALL UNITS METAL MURPHY AND ACKOMPLISS EXCAPING THE LAIR! THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! EMURGENCY!" and Im standing there thinking "Yeah I know dumbass we been watching the hole thing on the survaylince cameras."
And this one guy who aint half bad Stumpy I think hes called he figgers out which vent theyre in so of course Panama yells "If we fail Stingaree will use his own fearfull powers on us! FIRE! FIRE!" and we all of us are shooting but theyre long gone by then and I turn to Panama and I say "You know what smartguy you coulda just started FIRING like the rest of us was already DOING instead of flapping your gums and then shooting a couple times after they was TEN MILES AWAY" and Panama gets all pissy and says "Dont make me pull rank on you Fodder" and I say "Oh cut the crap Panama! I dont care if you hooked me up with this gig your just a grunt like the rest of us and the next time you forget that Im knocking your goddamn BLOCK off" and I give him a shove for emfassis and it probbly woulda turned into a fistfight if Stingarees voice hadnt of come over the squawk box again telling everybody to fan out and search all the waterways and to rembember to take our grapnel guns or as I liked to call them the "shlong rifles."
So were all firing grappling hooks into the canals on the one-in-a-millyun chance we will ackshully HIT one of them but it turns out they was stuck like gum to one of the windmills the HOLE TIME and the only way we can tell THAT is cause a small plane flies in outta nowhere and Stingaree takes off after it in his fruity purple huvvercraft and Metal Murphy turns HISSELF into a grappling hook and flies offa the windmill and makes Stingaree crash. So Stingaree gives us orders IN PERSON for once and tells us to DESTROY Metal Murphy and I get that hollow feeling in my gut that I always get when I know the jig is up but I gotta go thru the goddamn motions anyhow and to top it off Panama the suck-up says "CYCLOPS commands! We obay!" and I just wanna smash his FACE in but I try to shake it off and just consentrate on switching the grapnel gun from grappling mode to flamethrower mode (the gun has something like twenny diffrent modes and you gotta work all these microscopick buttons and levers and dials and shit in just the rite order to go from one mode to another or else the gun EXPLODES honestly I dont know who desined the stupid thing but Id like to break theyr nose.)
So me and the rest of the boys are blasting at Metal Murphy but he unsticks himself from the windmill and turns into a big pink BOWLING BALL with SMOKE boiling out of it and he rolls RITE AT US and also his ugly mug keeps popping out of it and the weerd thing is I swear he was kind of EYE-RAPING me the hole time. But anyhow he flattens us just like I knew he was gonna oh and rite before he smashed into us Panama says "Our guns... they got no effeckt!" and Im thinking "Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite" and GODDAMN but that Panama works my last nerve. So I wind up lieing there with my leg BROKEN for like the forth time in as many years and I come to just in time to see Stingaree acktivate a speshul switch that destroys the dike and sends a wall of seawater rushing twoards us and again I'm thinking itd be nice if Id even known there WAS a speshul switch in the FIRST place and thank God Metal Murphy turns hisself into a bulldozer and rams the crashed plane into the destroyed part to plug it up. Afterwords Metal Murphy turns us all over to the local cops and after it all gets sorted out innernashunally I get my ass haulled back to America and I'm tossed into the pokey AGAIN and its like I aint never ever been away. Oh and I hear Panama got SEVERE BRAIN DAMADGE from being squashed by Metal Murphy the pink bowling ball and now hes in a home somewhere.
I wonder if he still wears the hat.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Today I watched the Chiefs/Steelers game. Since those are the two teams I decided to follow at the start of the season, I had mixed emotions. By dint of location I'm obliged to be a Chiefs booster but I really like the Steelers. So I'm happy that Pittsburgh flattened KC, cartoon steamroller-style, 45-7. But at the same time I'm a little bummed out. Oh, and there won't be many comments about the announcers because Dan Dierdorf and Greg Gumbel were pretty straightforward and serious, and there won't be any comments about wacky fans because the Pittsburgh fans carried themselves with relative comportment. It was probably too cold for body-painting.
- The Titans/Redskins game ran long so CBS didn't switch over to the Steelers/Chiefs matchup until well into the first quarter, by which time the Steelers were already ahead by seven points. Which was on their first possession. According to one of the announcers (much later) this sealed up the win for them. Well hell, just turn off the lights and send everybody home already. I'm sure Ronnie Cruz would have appreciated that.
- The announcers described the dynamic between the two teams as "Blitzburgh vs. L.J." BLITZburgh? That RAWKS! Speaking for myself, I grew up in "MAULstead." (It was brutal!)
- First quarter: Steelers #97 Arnold "Plan C" Harrison tackles LJ himself, which is pretty good considering he's actually subbing for the injured James Harrison, who was the backup for Joey Porter, who's out with a "high ankle sprain." (Tripped over a bong!)
- With 0:50 left in the first quarter, the Steelers' Big Ben Roethlisberger makes his first touchdown pass of the season. Sweet!
- Second quarter: Steelers #39 Willy Parker has the ball and is making a heckuva run for it when he suddenly slips and falls, breaking a heel, and then Leatherface catches up with him but CBS cuts to a commercial before we can see what happens next.
- Big Ben enjoyed some big, beautiful pockets today. I swear, one of them was so big he probably could have eaten a sub sandwich and finished it off with a Big Gulp before he had to get rid of the ball.
- Here's a good example of how lost KC's defense was: in the second quarter, the Steelers' Najeh Davenport only had to avoid a single KC player and then he was flying down the field at a million miles an hour for a forty-eight yard gain, and it took KC defensive end Jared "Barry" Allen to finally tackle him. Considering the distance Allen had to travel to accomplish this I'm surprised he didn't arrive covered in FedEx stickers.
- Third quarter: LJ "tackles" Steelers #43 Troy Polamalu by grabbing a fistful of Polamalu's pretty, pretty "Jill Thompson character" hair and dragging him to the ground. Which it turns out is perfectly legal -- but after a near-scuffle between both teams and some frantic discussion by the refs, KC earns a fifteen-yard penalty for LJ's "unsportsmanlike conduct." The announcers explain shortly afterwards that it wasn't for the hair-pulling -- and good luck tackling Polamalu without touching his hair, I guess! -- but for "taunting." Maybe the fact that Johnson still had his fist tangled in Polamalu's locks when both men had gotten back off the ground has something to do with it. I saw that and I thought "Jeezum, let go already!"
- A chart detailing the eating schedule of the Steelers' Ryan Clark reveals he has a "second dinner" at 10:30 P.M. Apparently his nutritionist is Pippin Took.
- Steelers coach Bill Cowher must be practicing his napkin-folding skills, because when he'd throw a flag on a play it looked like an origami swan.
- With 1:12 left to go in the fourth quarter, the Chiefs' Ronnie Cruz is laid out with a knee injury. So he's spread out on the grass, the various doctors are hovering over him, they've brought out the cart since apparently he doesn't think he can make it off the field under his own power, and then... "Love In An Elevator" starts blasting over the speakers. Oh, for--! Wasn't the man in enough pain?