Friday, June 06, 2008

The Berating Game


Ah, it's Joe Quesada's perception of Spider-Man's marriage! (And scrunch-faced teenage imitation Web = Venom. Am I right, people? ...People? *flop-sweats*)

Y'know, the more "Web" stories I read, the more his super-hero career feels like a belabored metaphor for internet porn. (Which is especially astounding, considering they're from 1966.)

Also: "Scrambo"?! Freakin' Jerry Siegel...

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Does This Dress Make My Hippie Look Big?


Beware! Big Hippie is watching you! Yes, it's a Cory Doctorow wet dream, where high-powered executives are continuously monitored by hippies! (And to be honest, that doesn't sound like a bad idea, right now.) If only the comic itself was that revolutionary!

In a typical romance comic, a hippie comes in one of two not-so-groovy flavors. He's either a mixed-up "pretty boy" who shows up in the last two panels with a suit and a shave, in order to sweep his blissfully relieved sweetheart to a life of stifling conformity, OR he's a lout who dares to lightly pet the heroine before marriage and who is summarily sucker-punched by the square who really loves her. In this story from "Girls' Romances #136 (October, 1968), the leading lady is faced with a swing-a-delic "Sophie's Choice" and she finally goes with... the hippie! Sure, it's because he's going back to college and has told her parents he's going to marry her "whether they like it or not" (I'm guessing "not"), but he's also made a name for himself as a rock star, and there's no talk of him getting a haircut or a shave (or taking a bath) so that's something. I guess.

Okay. Enough hippie talk! How about that dress? It's not a good look for her, because it makes her look like a Pringles can with arms. She enjoys crocheting, doesn't she? Maybe a little bit too much! Because it looks like that dress just keeps going, all the way to the floor and beyond, like she's Morticia Addams Barbie. Or a humanoid tea cozy! It's unsettling! It makes her look boneless, like there's nothing under there but undulating white pulp that just sways back and forth, making little bleating noises. Like she's growing out of the floor! She's like some mythical creature, some siren that never moves, but waits for men to fall in love with her, so she can mealy-mouth over which one she loves best, until they finally get bored with her, or die. And still she'll wait, gently swaying. And bleating. *manly shudder* Wow, I creeped myself out with that one!

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

What Goes "AWP"


"Unexpectedly" is right!

I know that Jerry Siegel gets a lot of guff for his writing (most of it from me) but now that I think about it? The typical Siegel story has jocular, exclamatory dialog; constant, nonsensical plot twists; and a general air of flat, self-consciously theatrical weirdness, like a bunch of second graders staging an Ionesco play. Well, I got news for ya, fanboys: you apparently adore this shit, and its called "Grant Morrison".

That's not the real Web up there, by the way; merely a criminal imitation. Or maybe I should say "delinquent" imitation, since he's supposed to be a teen. Oddly, he's drawn with a squat, wizened face, which means he's either lying about his age, or he's DJ Qualls.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Meanwhile, in an Alien Fertility Clinic...


Maybe Fly Man's "twigorgs" wouldn't be "perma-locked" if he'd only go a size up in his spandex trunks!

(Mind you, I'm gayer than a Hello Kitty ice cream cake, so I personally couldn't give a shit about motility...!)

Monday, June 02, 2008

Full Frontal Prudery


Hey, they were only pointing out that your fly was unzipped, Shield! Sheesh! (So sensitive--!)