Mento: The Lovemaker!

Y'know the best thing about my new gig with Blockade Boy? Besides the fact that we can wear each other's clothes, I mean! Which reminds me! BB, or "bro" as I like to call him, has the grooviest leather pants -- in crimson, yet! They hug his buns perfectly and since we have similar body shapes I know that I'd look good in them too. Haven't had a chance to wear them yet, but for now it's just cool watching him walk around in them. ...Huh. I feel all funny inside now. Um. Anyway! The other best thing is getting to observe the love techniques of other dimensions! Here's a real pro I've discovered from the DC Universe. His name is "Mento" and I think all you turkeys can learn a lot from him.

Okay, so you see a fox you want to do the diagonal polka with, but she's already talking to two other guys! Don't be spooked! Walk right up there and announce yourself as loud as you can without actually yelling. And don't slouch, damn it! Observe Mento here. He's in a pose I like to call "the rooster." Hands on hips, neck straight... in my version I actually flap my elbows like they're wings and do kind of a forward-head-bob thing, but Mento's style isn't bad either.

The other guys may try to distract you by inviting you to a pickup basketball game. Don't be deterred! Brush those losers off! They're just turkeys in wolves' clothing!

Okay, so you announced yourself already. Too bad, because you may have to do it again. Several times, in fact. You may have to remind your target of shlongmantic conquest of your name, over and over and over. So say it whenever possible! Talk about yourself in the third person! Like I do! ...I mean, "Like Lancelot Steele does!" Try wearing one of those old-timey mayor sashes with your name emblazoned on it! In gold! Buy a parakeet and teach it to say your name, and then give the bird to her as a gift! Spray-paint your name all over her house, and then blame the deed on an admirer! Got it? You want to burn your name in her brain. Not literally, of course. Because then you'll wind up in prison, and you'll find yourself pinned beneath some huge brawny psychopath, his long wiry beard scratching against your cheek as he whispers obscenities in your ear, his fingers probing ever deeper inside your... well, the point is that you don't want that sort of thing to happen, now do you? I know I don't. It's one of my biggest worries! I think about it all the time.

See what he just did there? He took an insult and turned it into a compliment! Like this one time at the talent agency, when I casually mentioned to Dazzler that I wasn't wearing underpants and she said, "Really? Then how come it looks like you have no penis at all? Do you keep it tucked between your legs like one of those she-males, or what?" And I said, "So you want me to wear tighter pants! No prob, babe! Say, maybe you can help me change into 'em!" And then she slapped me and walked away and sure, I had to hide in the copy room with the door locked so nobody could see me crying and Cassandra kept pounding on the door and yelling about how she needed to use the machine and how it was the third time that day I'd holed up in there and how she was going to get Harry to fire me but it was totally worth it

Yeah, man! Flirtation, Steele-style! Mento's got the right idea. Always be lifting something. In his case, a cage full of wild animals. I might have to borrow that idea. And he gets right to the point, doesn't he? That's key. Just tell the girl who you are and what you want to do to her. Focus. Even if, as in Mento's case, you really need to pee just then.

Sometimes the turkeys you shooed away from your love-target will come back, angrier and drunker, and they'll start a fight with you. They'll probably try to punch you in the babymaker -- a beautifully Darwinian move, and one I've used many times myself. The moral here? Maybe you should wear a cup. But don't worry, because your confidence will get you the girl, every time!

Oh, and it helps if you're a multi-millionaire.

Doomstruck

Okay, forget the dumb ol' patches. There's just so much more fashion fun to be had within the pages of "The Doom Patrol." For example, the colorist sometimes liked to "mistakenly" make the white portion of Elasti-Girl's costume flesh-toned instead of white. Which made her look like Vampirella's perky cheerleader sister.



Doom Patrol also had what I think was the most irritating case of artistic license ever: Negative Man's bandages.



I chose that panel expecially for Dorian. Anyway, the way they drew him has always bugged the living bejeebus out of me and I guess it'll continue to do so, since they've gone back to drawing him like this.

You can see his face in excruciating detail through the gauze. I defy anybody to fanwank this into anything even close to being logical. "Really thin gauze," you say? Well, for one thing, the gauze is meant to contain Negative Man's awesomely deadly radiation, so I have trouble believing it would let light pass through it. And anyway, why can't you see his ears? Are they like, really really really radioactive, so they have extra layers or sumpin'? And for Pete's sake, you can even see the inside of his mouth!



Must... not make... Cialis joke...

Aw, look at this! Major Matt Mason is dressed as a salt shaker for the school play!



Y'know, if my choices were either missing out on the transcendent wonder of exploring the moon or looking like that? I'd stay inside the space capsule and hope somebody brought along an InStyle Magazine I could read.

I'll leave you with your ultimate Doom Patrol masturbation nightmare. Ta!