Ulp!

You may recall this fine bit of imitation Stan Lee dialog from my final "Invincible Iron Man #41" post.

I'd repurposed it as criticism for Young Gerry Conway, but who was Fly Man (formerly and later known as "the Fly") actually talking to?

Some portly old German gal with a lace doily on her head? For shame, Fly (Man)! You know how old folks like to ramble when they meet a younger person! The poor dear is probably stuck inside her dilapidated Victorian Gothic mansion most of the day, with no one but her twenty-seven cats to keep her company, and sure, sometimes the Senior Center Activity Bus will stop for her so she can visit the mall, and purchase more quilting supplies, and then she meets you, the famous Fly (Man), and you just look so much like her grandson, Mortimer, so would it kill you to just shut your yapper and humor her? I mean, for Pete's sake, Fly (Man), can't you let this sweet old lady have her say for a couple of minutes, and HOLY SHIT IT'S A DUDE.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "the Spider", from "Fly Man" #31 (Archie Comics, May, 1965). This story is written by Jerry "I'm Helping to Mess Up the WB's Legion of Super-Heroes Cartoon from Beyond the Grave" Siegel in his idea of the Marvel Method, which results in the characters blabbing on and on, for pages at a time, saying the same thing twice in a row, only phrased differently, with loads of bombast and fancy vocabulary words (like "bombast"). So, while Jerry Siegel tries for "Stan Lee", he winds up with something more along the lines of Chris Claremont, which is especially astounding considering that "Alien"-obsessed Limey masochist wouldn't get anything published for another ten years, at least. Which is my own blathering way of saying that yes, the Spider tends to run off at the mouth, but then, so does Fly Man, not to mention every single character in the gol-dang book.

But forget this imitation Mighty Marvel dialog for a minute. I'm marveling, mightily, at the Spider's costume. He's a "mastermind" type, with mirror-maze deathtraps, and jet-powered flying metal claw robots, and henchmen, and what's essentially a "dirty bomb" if you can believe it, so he really shouldn't have to even bother venturing out in public. Or if he does, he should consider wearing a well-tailored business suit, or at the very least, Shiwan Khan's windbreaker. Because he doesn't have the shape for a supervillain costume. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there it is. I mean, as ass like that, and he's wearing pantaloons? It's madness! And that floppy, size XXL beanie hat has got to go. You know what might have worked for this guy? Exchanging the tights for a robe -- I know, he's still pudgy, and chubby guys in robes look godawful, but bear with me for a second -- and ditching the micro-snood doily hat for a hood, the kind that drapes completely over the head with just a couple of eye holes cut out. Just cover the bastard up from head-to-toe. That way, he can lounge all day long in a souped-up La-Z-Boy recliner (with metal spider legs or sumpin' sticking out of it) and issue his threats via television, in between scarfing down entire cans of Pringles.

There's a lot of fun to be mined from "Fly Man" #31, and while I won't be giving it the Gravity Girl Treatment, I will be delving more deeply into it for a couple of weeks. For instance, how would you like a dramatic reading of the Spider's unmuffled monologue, complete with fight scene sound effects?

Yup, I thought so!

Portrait of the Author as a Young Crabclaw-Tentacled Terrorist

And here, Young Gerry Conway puts his personal artistic travails right on the comics page, raw and steaming, ripped from his tear-stained diary, with Demitrius and Slasher serving as mere finger puppets for his outrage. (Note: Finger Puppets of Outrage will be opening for my new band, Jagged Edge Explosion Balloon.)

In place of Conway's uncredited editor (or "uncreditor" if you prefer and I know you do) we have "the Slasher." (Get it? GET IT?) Slasher is an abusive control freak -- wait a minute--! I'm an abusive control freak! But I'm not nearly as bad as Slasher. Right, guys? Storm Boy, tell all this nice people I'm not as bad as Slasher. Do it! Don't make me smack you again. There, see? Storm Boy agrees with me. Aaaannnyway, Slasher calls Demitrius a "blathering fool" and tells him "I am the power in this team -- you're mere deadwood."

In place of Young Conway, we have "Demitrius", a put-upon, talkative, sensitive type with crazy shit literally coming out of his head. Demitrius is shaggier-looking than the Slasher and he loves to dance! Clearly he's a member of the younger generation... the Demitrius Generation.

I gather from this panel a power struggle had recently taken place within the Marvel Bullpen, with Young Conway gaining the upper hand over his nameless editor. Perhaps Conway had gone over the editor's goggled, leather-helmeted head and charmed the Marvel bigwigs -- maybe even Stan the Man himself! -- and he was at last free to fill the pages of Iron Man with as many over-written word balloons and thought bubbles as he wished! Stan would understand. ("Editors--!" Stan thought, his toupee quivering with contempt. "Bah! As long as the writers are emulating my mighty melodramatic manner, why should I need editors! Except maybe to write cover copy, and to mow my lawn on Sundays! Although none of them do it as well as Kirby did. The crazy li'l troll even edged my sidewalk! With scissors! And sure, he muttered to himself the whole time but when he finished for the day and I flipped that shiny new nickel at him you could see the gratitude in his eyes. And then I'd shout "DANCE!" and he'd do this mutant Charleston with a couple of Ann Miller tapdance spins thrown in, until he'd grab his chest and collapse into the begonias. And as they loaded him into the ambulance we'd just laugh and laugh--! By the hammer of Thor, I wish I had Kirby back! It's like when you're almost done with a tube of toothpaste and suddenly it's gone and it turns out the wife threw it out... you miss it, because you wanted to squeeze out whatever was still left inside! ...Good ol' Kirby...!")