What's Your Christmas Wish?

This Christmas I want one of them persunal hovercraft deals like I seen the Atomick Skull use cause word around the pokey is the Skull is putting together a new gang only you got to own your own persunal hovercraft deal if you want to join up so that'd pretty sweet I mean I hear his benefits packege is top of the line with all your dental needs completeley covered which I guess makes sense considdering if you got a skull for a face your gonna make pretty goddamn sure your teeth look nice right? Also I want for that bum Steve Lombard at GBS to use one of them sports bloopers tapes I keep sending him I mean I got this one thats a real byoot its from the time I was in Two Faces mob and he put me in charge of filming our heists so we can go back later and see any mistakes me made and anyway this ONE time we was robbing the box office at the Gotham Goliaths game on Free Hat Night and Batman was chasing me and Izzy and Soupbone and then Batman conks Soupbone right in the old melon with a Battering and he goes flying over the rail and he lands on the umpire in a way that it looks like hes ass-ramming him I mean thats pretty good right? I dunno.

This Christmas season I'd like for once to get away with wearing my special mistletoe hat at Harry's office building without running into that one burly delivery guy who makes kissy-noises and winks at me and calls me "Precious." Also, I'd like to get his phone number. Er, so I can give that turkey a real piece of my mind! Yeah.

I want an oficial Micronauts Crater Cruncher, the orange one, with the bulldozer scoop and the extendable crane. Because I'm tired of walking to work.

Id like to get in another post before the end of the year I mean its been what? Seven months now or something? Jesus Christ. Does anybody in theyr right mind think that Manny chump is any kind of replasemint for ME? Like hell he is I mean I coold take that fat balding dope any day of the week and you can tell him I said that too. My cellmate Fabian got released last Laber Day and I feel like I dont see nun of my old friends no more and I aint had a mackaroon in ages Im getting serious lonely you guys. Blockade Boy where are you?

I'd like for Santa to bring me a diamond-tipped grinder I can use for sharpening costumes. Also? I want Blockade Boy to realize that he's a horrible fashion design and to turn over the blog to me so I can start righting all the fashion wrongs he's made. Night Girl in a printed catsuit? Puh-LEASE. She obviously should be wearing a full-body owl costume with cut-outs for her beehive and her tits.

I just want everybody who has ever stopped by this blog to have a great holiday, whatever it happens to be.

Me too, Jeremy. In some ways, I wish the Christmas season would never end. Mainly because I've gotten more action in this Santa outfit than I've gotten in my last four costumes combined! Oh, well. (And don't fret, Lenny; I'll visit you next week.) Happy Holidays, everyone!

Next of Ken

In "Secret Origins" #8 (November, 1986) Doll Man grapples with a serious shrinkage problem. For starters, what's he going to wear?

Wow, male back-al nudity in a DC comic! And he's not even Doctor Manhattan! I'm just not sure how the sight of a miniature adult male in a diaper is less upsetting than the sight of a miniature adult male in the nude. Let's just hope his fiance doesn't get wind of this! Oops. Too late.

As we all know, a chaste kiss sounds like "SMAK" while a deep, throat-vacuuming French-style kiss sounds like "SMAKK." It's the vibration of the tonsils as they're probed by an alien tongue that produces the additional "K" sound. Say, maybe at the wedding Doll Man can just be tucked into the best man's pocket. Or pants, just to give the kiss at the end of the ceremony some spice. "You may now kiss the bride..." *jazzy electric guitar and drum machine music begins to play as the church is lit up by red strobe lights*

In panel two, the prospective father-in-law hastily excuses himself. Because he's more comfortable watching this sort of thing through the slats of a Venetian blind.

Okay, so the idea of marrying a curio-sized man might seem exciting... to some people... at first. But that kind of relationship can't last. I mean, sure, it's kind of thrilling when you learn that the hot robo-gladiator pilot you had your eyes on is from Imsk, and the two of you invent all kinds of fun new activities in the bedroom, but soon enough you walk out of the shower and find him on top of your dresser, humping your cybernetic toe prosthesis, and you get so angry that you grab him with one hand and you squeeze him and you squeeze him and then you're holding a dead Imskian in your hand and you don't know what to do with the body because trash pickup isn't until Monday. We've all been there, right?

...No? Oh. Er, anyway, let's see how Martha copes, shall we?

Check out panel three. This is the origin of Doll Man's costume. Nobody had any idea of him being a superhero. Nope, Martha sewed that for him to wear as his everyday outfit. I think that's her way of telling him she wants to break things off. "And just imagine, dearest, once we're married you can wear hotpants, a muscle shirt, pixie boots, and a cape, every single day! Won't that be marvelous? Unless... you would want to 'take a break' from the engagement and reconsider your options... I'd totally understand, I mean, this whole doll-sized thing, that's got to be pretty stressful and you'd want to spend some time away from it all, thinking about where you're going with your life... and maybe you could even date some other women just to make sure that I'm really 'the one'... and, and, y'know what? Maybe I should date some other men, too! I mean, as long as you get to have some fun, why shouldn't I? Why is it that you get to do whatever the hell you want while I have to stay here at home like a nun with nobody but my fat four-eyes of a father to keep me company, huh? I mean, what the fuck?! You think I'm going to just stand around and do nothing while you stick your toothpick-sized pecker in every clap-ridden whore in the tri-county area? Is that what you think?! God, you can be so selfish sometimes! I HATE YOU!" *flees the room, weeping*

Or maybe she's just not very good at sewing pants or sleeves.

Puttin' on the Ritz

Busy day today, so I'm going to turn the fashion criticism over to some other nancy. Take it away, Miss Ritz!

What the--?! Aw, now you've gone too far! Don't give me that look. Listen, little missy, I happen to know for a fact that you've made some pretty tragic fashion decisions yourself. Exhibit A:

In a desperate bid to impress that cute teacher (not that I blame you) you tarted yourself up like a cheap French whore. And that Lilt home perm is out of control. (Or is it a Jheri curl?) Why don't you just marry Jim Baker and get it over with? And now for Exhibit B:

Yeah, I think I saw this look on one of the Olsen twins. And Courtney Love wore this ensemble to a custody hearing. That's mighty poor company, Ritz. So how dare you presume to judge one of the most important cultural icons of the 1970's and 1980's? HOW DARE YOU?!!

Great, now I'm in a saliva-frothing rage. Time to go Christmas shopping!

!emutsoc ykcus a em eviG

I have to admit I'm not really thrilled with how my Night Girl costume design turned out. I might have to try again. With something skimpier. And maybe a poncho or something for when she's surprised by sudden sunrises or whatever. Oh, and while we're on the subject of superheroines with butt-ugly costumes, how 'bout that Zatanna? "Secret Origins" #27 (June 1988) showcased all of 'em! And more! Let's start with what she likes to wear for investigating spooky French castles in the rain.

It's an interesting look for her: the top half is suitable for the local Christmas pageant, while the bottom half is perfect for servicing a muff-diving crack addict. Although the fumes would indicate some serious douching is in order.

And here's Zatanna in action, sort of, wearing her "classic" costume with the top hat and the fishnets. Because nothing screams "superheroics" like dressing as a cocktail waitress. It's not bad, I suppose, but I think it looks better without the top hat. Top hat + long hair = Gary Oldman in "Bram Stoker's Dracula." In other words, it looks ridiculous. Next!

Zatanna is all smiles after getting the Justice League's mandatory breast augmentation and lobotomy. My problem with this one is the ponytail. It's too youthful. I hate it when grown women put their hair up like that with the intent of looking sexy. I'm aware I'm not exactly their target audience, but still. I suppose she had to do something with her hair to keep it out of that monstrous collar she's wearing but really, anything would have been better that that. Hey, why not a beehive? (Kidding.) I wonder if this costume change came about because Black Canary was on the team back then, and they were afraid of having two women on a superteam dressed like hookers. These days that kind of thing isn't so much of a concern, is it, Chuck Austen?

Ah, the Cootie Hat Era. You know a costume is hideous when your body would rather self-destruct than be seen wearing it. (It happens. I once bought a pair of zip-up ostrich skin boots dyed cornflower blue, and they caused me to lose a toe. True story. Although it may have been due to poor circulation.) But enough of the past! This story introduced what was intended to be Zatanna's new, permanent costume, for ever and ever and ever. Ready? *plays opening chords of "The Final Countdown" on a synthesizer*

Ya duhn da duhn-da-dah! Slacks! Didn't last too long, did it? The fanboy fetish for superheroine skin torpedoed this modest little number. Of course, the fact that it made her look like a vampiric theater usher may also have had something to do with it. Personally, I love the cape, but that's about it. And that yellow vest is ridiculous. Bah! Bah, I say to you now.

Hey, bonus panel!

Rrrowr! You wouldn't think anybody could look like a badass in a jinglebell hat (with a feather!) but I'll be darned if Cagliostro didn't pull it off. Hell, he's rocking that jinglebell hat! I mean, I always figured Cagliostro was a pimp, but goddamn. He can read my palm, anytime!

Legion of Substitute Costumes: Night Girl

Night Girl has super-strength but only in the absence of sunlight. So it's no wonder the Legion of Super-Heroes rejected her.

Her costume isn't any great shakes, either. Sure, it has a certain Beatnik/Goth quality, what with all the black and such. But it's mainly a slab of one solid color with a timidly small owl symbol on the chest. And then there's the hair. It's inspired great men to write odes to it, but in my opinion it's hideous. Something needs to be done. Oh, I wouldn't dare cut it -- that would only make it mad! But maybe it could be arranged more attractively. So here's how I would style Night Girl...

...starry, starry Night Girl. I went with this Van Gogh-inspired pattern for the fabric. And because it's so loud busy eyecatching, I made the silhouette very simple. No distracting cut-outs or ruffles or anything. I tied all of Night Girl's magnificent hair back into a chignon, incorporating a matching scarf of the same fabric. I think it makes her look the Greeks of old (you know which ones I mean).