Umar Mongers

In "What If" #40 (August 1983) Doctor Strange's enemy, the Unspeakable Umar, gets a radical makeover courtesy of artist Jackson "Butch" Guice. On the left is Umar's traditional look, rendered by Paul Smith in "Doctor Strange" #69 (February 1985) and on the right is Guice's version.

Whoo, mama! Umar, you saucy tramp, I didn't think you had it in you! And by "it" I mean crabs. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a vast improvement over Dark Crystal Gayle over there, who needs to get back to her community theater production of "The King & I" pronto. For reals, she looks like the Michael Jackson Pepsi accident all over again, only with Lady Thiang. "Here is a man who thinks with his heart, his heart is not always-- AAAAIIEEEE! Good GOD! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

Nope, the Guice version is much prettier, what with the cute gauzy skirt and the more realistic flaming crown and the bangles and such. That said, the silhouette is just way too slutty. What's with the arrow cut-out that points to her Unspeakable cooter? (I guess Umar really is queen of the nether regions!) If I didn't know any better, I'd think the Wasp had a hand in this. Or up it. Speaking of which... that pet, whatever the hell it is? It's getting a bit familiar, wouldn't you say? I'm no prude, but even I'm squicked out by the notion of training an animal to finger bang you. (And you just know some of those rich old society matrons with the teacup chihuanuas have thought about that on more than one occasion.)

Hey, how's about a close-up?

Ah, another glimpse into Guice's record collection. I wonder who this is. My guess? Laura Branigan. "Clea, you're always on the run now...!"

Medal Detector

In "Doctor Strange" #46 (April 1981) even Doc's supreme sorcery can't get him through airport security without a hitch.

Where's your Hoggoth now?! Myah!

Quick, get the Department of Home Dimension Security on the line! And the Federal Levitation Administration!

And he didn't just teleport to his destination because...? It's implied in the story that this whole trip was Clea's idea, and she remarks that she finds the airport fascinating, but it's never made clear if Clea specifically wanted to travel on an airplane. And I know she's not from Strange's dimension so all sorts of mind-numbing, horrible activities would be new and exciting for her. But the airport--?! Hell, why not send her to renew a driver's license? Or to get a root canal? How about a romantic, intimate weekend on a garbage barge? Maybe Strange could transform her into a Demodex mite and make her live in J. Jonah Jameson's mustache for a week, where she'd suffocate in cigar smoke and occasionally be drenched in vermouth. That'd be more fun than the airport.

But I can see you're growing impatient. You want to know how Strange got himself out of this mess. Well, here ya go!

That's right. It's not a gaudy trinket supposedly invested with supernatural powers. It's a Saint Christopher medal.

Grampa in a Bottle

In "Marvel Team-Up" #77 (January 1979) belly shirt-wearin' oldster Silver Dagger escapes from the mystic orb that had imprisoned him and goes on a full-tilt rampage against Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel... Claremont style! Yup, it's a Chris Claremont script so it's a given that Silver Dagger will be supremely powerful. But to quantify it further, even his armpits project rays of eldritch energy.

The battle of the century: Spider-Man versus b.o.! Although I must take issue with Silver Dagger's ensemble. A belly shirt? Kinda girly. In fact, completely girly. And the no-sleeves thing combined with the big round plate on the chest makes me think he raided Moonstone's closet for this get-up. I'll give him points for the bitchin' white mustache -- almost as nice as mine! Almost. But I have to take those points back off again for the Stephen Wright haircut. There's nothing wrong with male-pattern baldness but you don't gotta flaunt it. Honestly, he looks like Bozo the Clown's abusive uncle.

Elsewhere in this issue, Doctor Strange's girlfriend Clea is transformed into a being of pure strawberry jam.

Told you it was a Claremont story!