Friday, April 07, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Infinity Of Infinity

fat beyonder

Yes, who doesn't enjoy eating an entire roast chicken and then washing it down with a strawberry milkshake? (That's a typical Sunday brunch in Storm Boy's time bubble!) Of course, in the very next panel the Beyonder magically makes himself buff again. No fancy equipment or gym memberships for him! Jerk. That's from "Secret Wars 2" #3. In issue #9, this happens:


I have got to get myself one of those things. "Hmm, what could I go for about now? Coffee? Nah. A bagel mini-pizza? Mmm, nope. A taut, well-hung adult male? Yeah, that'd hit the spot. I'll just mosey on over to the kitchen and -- HEY! Who forgot to clean out the machine from last time?!" If you squint real hard at the first panel, you'll find that the Beyonder's sense of modesty makes a Wahabist mullah look like Sean Connery in Zardoz. Behold: fetal underpants! Because no ultrasound technician wants to be exposed to that.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Cozmic, especially! Yah-tah-tah-dah! (plays regal fanfare with a comb and tissue paper)


The Beyonder, you get off of Mr. Weatherbee's desk this instant!

Good gravy, whatever could those dopey things on the Beyonder's shoulders be for? I can only guess...

1. Ultra-high performance air filters, improving the Beyonder's fuel economy by 3-4 mpg.
2. Organizes his CD collection.
3. Strains plankton from the ocean.
4. Intimidates his enemies by resembling big, toothy frowns.
5. Continuously blast "Hungry Like The Wolf" at ear-splitting decibels.
6. Can be used for launderin' yer gingham nightgown down at the ol' crick.
7. Perform three big, show-stopping numbers in "Little Shop Of Horrors."
8. Are used by Smurfs as luxury skyscraper apartments.
9. Great for garnishing seven-foot tall, chrome-plated glasses of iced tea.
10. If the Beyonder makes you mad, just pull a lever on his back and they snap shut, turning his head into scrumptious deli-thin slices of luncheon meat.

*phew* That's all I've got on "Secret Wars 2" for a while. It's back to the usual random assortment of junk next week. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Four Of Infinity

cover 4
Did you know... 80's fashions are so intrinsically hideous that they generate an invisible forcefield of bad taste? This forcefield, comprised of tiny, garishly colored particles called "tacky-ons", can repel not only food and pet stains, but also magic swords, energy beings, and vibranium-adamantium discs.

Hey, Dazzler? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but that's not a miniskirt. That's technically just a really wide belt and you should count your lucky stars we're not seeing your mutated cooter right now.


Oh, so he's really more like the Bi-yonder! Quite the motley assortment of disembodied heads in the Beyonder's lust diorama. Apparently his ideal love partners include Lois Lane, a young Dick Cheney, drag artist Charles Busch, James Carville in a toupee (or possibly Josh Hartnett), Shelley Long, and the Weather Wizard from the "Justice League" cartoons.

Okay, so who here thinks a female Beyonder might look like LaToya Jackson? Show of hands? And he gave himself a female shape but it never occurred to him to, oh, I dunno, tailor the suit a little? There's enough room in there for a second person! Then again, that could be his come-on line.


In a beret, a kerchief, and an impish smile, it's le oui-yondeur. I think he's really digging on that outfit. Maybe a little too much, actually. Seated in the back there and colored a solid, typically 80's purple-gray, it's another She-yonder. And she seems to be entranced by the Garcon-der (who's toting either The World's Longest Menu or a piece of lumber). I know I should be squicked out by the idea the Beyonder is staring at his own ass. But I have a blog, which is pretty much the same thing.

Bonus! Pick up girls through the power of LASIK!


It looks like he's mentally giving the Dazzler a nose job. At any rate, those goopy beams of his don't appear to be connecting with anything. Aha! Dazzler's performing a psychic cock block!

Good for you, honey. Good for you.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Three Of Infinity

mish mash

Ever wonder what a Marvel Zombie visualizes when he's masturbating? Yeah, pretty much someone like that guy. Only sometimes with boobs. Sometimes.

This is how the Beyonder first appeared when he came to our universe in "Secret Wars 2" #1. Y'know, I was scratching my head, trying to figure out what the big white ponytail was emulating and then it finally hit me: it's Storm's hair! No wonder he switched bodies; Storm probably spends forty hours a week, minimum, keeping that huge mass o' hair looking all glossy and fabulous. (*knock knock knock* "Storm, it's Angel! Can I just squeeze into the bathroom with ya for a few minutes? I gotta touch up my highlights!" "Keep out! I'm conditioning!")

Two things I absolutely adore about this panel:
1. It's never explained how the couch got like that, or if it's even the Beyonder's fault. As you can see, the Molecule Man's pad is kind of a dump anyhow . Observe the cracked plaster on the back wall. Maybe the Molecule Man is apologizing to the Beyonder for his furniture's general crappiness. Or maybe the Beyonder was just exceptionally windy that day. And his farts glow!
2. "I'm not sure he's ready for Laverne and Shirley." This line is so wrong, it's Zen.

In "Secret Wars 2" #7, the Beyonder chills on a beach..


...where he pairs one of his trademark flared-shoulder tops with clamdiggers. No wonder he looks depressed. If I saw my reflection and realized I was wearing that outfit, I'd probably want to kill myself. Luckily, his suicidal reverie is interrupted by Wolverine's blonder, fatter cousin. Or maybe it's Tubby from the old "Little Lulu" comics, all grown up and furry-chested and livin' large!

hairy guy

My memories of the 80's are a mite hazy -- I'll have to go visit them again sometime! -- but was every single shirt collar turned up back then? 'Cause that's my impression from reading this series. What, was there an overabundance of starch in that decade? Was gravity less influential? Honestly, I'm flummoxed!

So here we have two guys wearing (allegedly) stylish clothing, in a tropical paradise, in the 1980's. I think it's safe to assume they're starring in a detective show.

Let's see... who else was a bloody car wreck when it came to 80's fashions? Oh, I know!


Rachel Summers! But of course. Braided mullet, check. Tights with suspenders, check. Boots of a clashing color and noncommittal length, check. Rachel's so preoccupied that she doesn't notice an angry, fashion-conscious mob is pelting her with debris. "Your top shouldn't match your pants!" they holler at her. "And do something about your hair! What are you, twelve?" But she pays no heed. She just fluffs up her forelock and busts out her Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance. In the background, Cannonball is so unnerved that he starts to keel over sideways, his fists clenching anxiously. Shadowcat and Dazzler, having run out of things to throw at Rachel, decide to just tackle her and pummel her senseless.

Sounds like a good plan.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Two Of Infinity


From Secret Wars 2 #2, that's the pre-Jheri curl Beyonder, wearing his cheap knock-off of Captain America's designer body. Hey, check out the dude in the foreground. Sweet muttonchops!

In this same issue, the Beyonder swipes a suit off a mannequin but it's way too small. Luckily for him, he's immediately accosted by a Sassy But Wise Black Lady, like they have on TV.


Extreme Makeover: Homeless Edition! Not long after, the Maya Angelou of the dumpster set asks the Beyonder point-blank, "How come you're so dumb? You from space or something?" Okay, first of all I'd just like to announce that I'm stealing that line and I'm going to use it as often as I can. And secondly, I love how it's a legitimate question in the Marvel Universe.

Secret Wars #5 introduces that sensational character find of 1985: Tabitha Smith, a.k.a. Boom Boom, Boomer, Time Bomb, Meltdown, blah, blah, blah...! The Beyonder may be from space (and therefore dumb) but even he knows Tabitha won't make it far in comics with a face like hers.


Extreme Makeover: Homely Edition! I read this when it first came out, and even then I thought, "You don't want the Beyonder to make you pretty, Tabitha? Don't worry; that'll be taken care of by every single artist who ever draws you, ever, ever again." Let's do a quick before-and-after, shall we? Here's Tabitha in Secret Wars 2 #5 (November, 1985) and in X-Factor #12 (January, 1987).


Note that the plain Tabitha is crying for real and the pretty Tabitha is only pretending to cry. Deep, no? And Tabitha has stayed pretty, with occasion stops in Hottieville and its outlying suburbs, Trampy Towne and Wetly F***able Corners.

More Secret Wars 2 dish tomorrow, but before I go I'd like to talk about Tabitha's Devo sunglasses. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that these sunglasses, nay, her entire ensemble, looked not only "normal" but "fashionable." And if I had a choice of walking around with a puffy blackened eye or covering them with those particular sunglasses? I'd demand a third option, preferrably while firing a machine gun in the air to emphasize my point.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part One Of Infinity

Well, thank God that's over, huh? I'd delete Storm Boy's post but I want everyone to see how fat he's gotten. (The only reason I kept my tongue in his mouth for so long when we were making out is 'cause it had found a whole Krispy Kreme that had gotten lodged in there. Mmm. Sweet.) Er. Moving on...

I'd like to proffer a great big "thank you" to blog commenter Cozmic, for his suggestion I post about the fashion choices of the Most Powerful Wigga In This Or Any Other Universe, a.k.a. the Beyonder. An incomprehensibly vast and bodiless intelligence, the Beyonder decided to take on a human body, eventually settling for a copy of Captain America's. Why? To quote the comic book: "Observing the reactions of many humans to Captain America convinced him that a body like Captain America's was the best possible." Pfft. I dunno about that. Not content with Cap's blonde blandness, he decided to get "with it" and make his hair look like Michael Jackson's. And then he gussied himself up in a series of increasingly ugly clothes.

I'll get to his famous "air filter" armor later on, but I'd like to start with his hip-hop jumpsuits, with their huge collars, shoulderpads and multiple pockets. (It turns out God shops at Chess King. Who knew?) Here's a taste from "Secret Wars 2" #3 (September, 1985). In this scene, the Beyonder engages in the Bizarro World version of Shinto Buddhism, where everything worships him.

bow down

I love his cheesy smile. It looks like he's about to tell me how I can become a millionaire selling Herbalife. You can see the upturned collar in this picture. (It was the Eighties; upturned collars were mandated by federal law.) But let's get a look at the whole outfit.

you too bitches

Yes, the Beyonder has boundless self-confidence and the respect of everyone around him -- and it's all possible thanks to his new hair! (Sorry -- turned into Cy Sperling there for a second.) Anyway. That's some stylish sanitation worker, huh? Dig the Amish-style lack of zippers, buttons, snaps or any other kind of fastener. The waistband is undoubtedly elastic. That means my seventy-five year old dad could wear this, and he has a huge painful bulge in his side from when they had to remove a rib! I love how that one guy in the middle right-hand side there, Robbie Robertson or Element Lad or whoever, has an expression of stark screaming horror. Finally, someone with an ounce of sense!

Also, I hate to break it to the Beyonder, but those folks aren't bowing down like that because they're worshipping him. It's because his outfit has given them the dry heaves.

Hey, bonus! Look at this!

put some damn clothes on

Oh, it's Witchblade's mom! To quote: "Without this circuitized exo-skeleton, I would be helpless -- with it, however, I have the power to move, and better yet, avenge myself!" That's swell, hon. Now would it kill you to put some damn clothes on? (Do you think she cleans herself with one of those cans of compressed air?) And is it just me, or is the Beyonder giving her the finger in that last panel? The Beyonder, you bitch--!

More Secret Wars 2 fashion disasters tomorrow! And the day after that, and the day after that...!

(Later: Sorry I misspelled your name, Cozmic. It's fixed now.)