Fa La Lallor La

Blockade Boy explains all about the Solstice Season on Lallor.

The Manic-Depressive Man!

It's Dante's "Divine Comedy": the kick-ass version! Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer! Directed by Michael Bay! Starring Matthew McConaughey as "Splits" Dante, rugged, occasionally-shirtless man of adventure! Thrill as he battles CGI devil-dogs! Co-starring "the Rock" as Virgil and Jessica Alba as Beatrice! Special appearance by Vince Vaughn as Satan!

Ugh. I'm "growing blue" just looking at the shitty artwork. I'm pretty sure this is the same hack responsible for that "Tom Morrow" crap.

Appellation Emergency Room

This is Batman's super-power: the ability to punch cool new nicknames into criminals' faces.

Oh, it's true. Just ask good ol' Shok and Ock up there. Before this fight, they were known, respectively, as "Reginald Q. Humpwater" and "Fitzburton Llewellyn-Lopez." "Shok" and "Ock" have a lot more zest, I'm sure you'll agree. If you're a henchman with a boring name, just get in a tussle with Batman and voila! Instant street cred and a tough new moniker. Just be sure to catch him in a good mood, or he'll saddle you with something humiliating, like "Dinky Dong" or "Fartmonster."

Blocky Derides Again

Wouldn't it have been awesome if their answer had been "Nope"? And if Batman thought "Screw it, I don't care!" and then he spent four pages whaling on the antique store's hapless cleaning crew? And then, when they were all unconscious, he planted guns and knives and packets of cocaine on them (which he keeps for such occasions).

Just like you and me, Batman takes his pants off one leg at a time... while doing the splits. Take a gander at the Bat-Shadow. In brash defiance of all known physical laws, it's falling the exact opposite direction of everyone else's. I guess Batman just has an instinct for standing where the light is the most flattering. (This is one of many similarities between Batman and Marlene Dietrich.)

And Then the Ears Pop Up With a Satisfying "SPROING!"

It's not so much that Batman could be anybody you know.

It's that anybody you know could be Batman.

Think about it.

Are you concerned about illegal wiretapping, or the government's current desire to press firemen into an army of makeshift snoops? That's nothin'. Try living in Gotham, where every single person in your life -- coworker, best friend, family member, lover -- is, in all likelihood, a masked vigilante who is just itching to punch you in the face.

(It makes for some very interesting editorials in the DC Universe version of Salon, that's for sure.)

"I'm the Goddamn Pizza Delivery Guy!"

Mmmm... piping-hot fish sticks, delivered straight to your mob hide-out, by the Gorton's Fisherman himself!

Since this panel is from "Detective Comics" I'll give you exactly one guess as to who the delivery guy is. ...What? Hell, no, it ain't the Elongated Man! Wow! You suck at this!

Okay. Here's what I don't understand about Batman's "sting": none of the mobsters are surprised to see him, which indicates to me that they really did order a pizza. So... what? Does Batman constantly monitor the phone lines of pizza delivery places, hoping that one of them will get a call from a suspicious address, by somebody with an Italian accent? (Profiling!) Or -- and this would be even better -- does Batman advertise in the Yellow Pages as a pizza joint? He would have to check the phone numbers of every call he got, and just flat-out refuse to deliver to any upright citizen. Which sounds needlessly jerky, until you remember that Batman is a total dickweed. And then it all makes sense.

Or maybe the real delivery guy is just off-panel, with a batarang in his skull.

Power to the Purple

On last Wednesday's "Project Runway" (your time), the designers had to create an outfit to be worn by Tiki Barber on an episode of the "Today" show. I liked Kevin's design the best...

...but Tiki didn't. Madness! Madness, I say to you now. I would have worn it. Because there is not one thing wrong with this ensemble. ...Well, maybe it could use more orange. And I think the model up there would look kick-ass with a sweet biker 'stache, or maybe even a handlebar. Also, he should wear a rakishly-tilted bowler hat, for just the right touch of insouciance. And boots! ...In fact, Kevin should have just outfitted his model like this.

Of course, I may be a bit biased.