Blockade Boy Say Relax

Because I've added labels (a.k.a. "tags") to all of my posts! And I added a handy-dandy complete list of the labels to this very page you're on. It's right under the list of blogs. All of the design categories are listed, of course, and you can also find every post with your favorite hero in it. Just for the sake of brevity I didn't add any "villain" labels (except Doctor Doom, because how could I not) and my "Contest of Champions" posts had so many heroes that to list them all would exceed Blogger's labeling capacity for an individual post, so I just summed it up with a "Contest of Champions" label and called it good. Also for the sake of brevity, I restricted "creator" labels to just a few people I seem to talk about a lot. Which right now is just Geoff Johns and Herb Trimpe. Remember those lists of previous installments I used to add to my posts? I'll be editing those bits out since they've been made obsolete. (Or as that guy on that one Twilight Zone would say, "OB-SO-LETE!!!")

I learned a lot of interesting things while I was labeling. Like?

• I've mentioned Storm Boy even more than I thought I had. What, me bear a grudge? Naw!
• My childhood was filled to the brim with traumatic events.
• Back when Membros was working for me, he once got me to give him a day off because he had to attend Antron's funeral and then three months later he posted about having recently had dinner with Antron which makes me wonder what other shit Membros pulled behind my back. Or maybe he just knows a lot of guys named "Antron."
• Going way back and labeling Jeremy's "America's Next Top Model" recap posts, nearly every one of them also qualified for the "stank attitude" label. Mostly because of Ya Ya.

So be sure to check out the labels. Y'know, since I busted my ass working on them. (Seriously, my back is killing me for some reason.) Or as I like to tell Weight Wizard, "Play around... have fun with it!"

To Surly, With Love

Or, A Nostalgic Look Back at the "America's Next Top Model" Finale.

Dearest Ya Ya,

I gratefully acknowledge the way you used both your unrelenting bitchiness and a strangely emotionless performance in the runway challenge to sink your chances of winning this thing. Kudos.

Blockade Boy


The finale begins with the three remaining candidates -- Ya Ya, Amanda, and Eva -- returning from a tough elimination ceremony. No-talent Ann was the bootee-of-the-week, and she capped off her inexplicably hateful treatment of Eva by completely ignoring her after hugging Amanda and Eva. Amanda confides to the camera, "Eva has been treating Ann like poo." The hell--? First of all, it was the exact opposite. And second of all... poo? What are you, six years old? Or Norelle? In an interview, Eva says, "I'm trying to be this better person, but nobody is seeing it. I know Amanda isn't seeing it, but then she is legally blind. And then it's Ya Ya's turn. Ms. Compassion-and-Wisdom blesses the viewing audience with her bitchiest, ugliest quote yet: "If there's something Amanda and I could do to make Eva feel included, we wouldn't do it." They should have filmed this like a Japanese horror flick, 'cause then they could have panned over to a pale, kohl-eyed youngster pointing at Ya Ya and yowling like an alley cat.

The next day's challenge is a photo shoot. "The lip is the hero today!" proclaims Jay Manuel. And Tyra's ass is the love interest! The photos are for a new type of Cover Girl lipstick, and the woman who gets crowned "America's Next Top Model" will get to see her photo in an honest-to-goodness, published advertisement. The contestants have to pose on rocks in a shallow pool, so it's kind of like a Zen garden at George Clooney's house. Amanda mentally prepares herself to "exude [her] appreciation for bunny rabbits and France." Well, bunny rabbits didn't do big business selling weapons to Saddam Hussein and then take a phony moral stance when another nation wanted to get rid of him (admittedly, that other nation was also taking a phony moral stance). Anyway, I think she could've just stuck with the bunny rabbits. Amanda does a good job on the shoot. So does Eva -- while Amanda lurks in the rafters and stares at her. And sees a fuzzy gray blob, I'd guess, but hey -- intimidation is intimidation. Jay says that Eva "let the tough girl wall come down." Is that what they're calling the hymen these days? The "tough girl wall?" Ya Ya tries to act like she's not a spoiled, venom-spitting harridan and it actually kind of works, although her smile is a bit strained. Talking about the photo shoot, Ya Ya mentions her educational background yet again. Jeebus, honey! Nobody cares!

Commercial break. Eva has been voted "Cover Girl of the Week" for the fifth week in a row. I wonder if that's foreshadowing anything. Huh.

That night the three contestants have a "go-see" with Noriko Fukushimo, a major fashion designer. Ms. Fukushimo has Amanda model a wedding dress with a lacy hood that's embroidered with pink flowers. Amanda has rarely looked better. I have no wise-ass comments about this. I'm just really blown away by how gorgeous Amanda looks in that outfit. At the judging panel, all three finalists look very happy and perky. See, Ann? It's only been one night and Eva's already over you. Suck it! Amanda's Cover Girl photo is praised but she gets points off for wearing her glasses to the go-see. Ya Ya is stunned by her own photo. And no, that doesn't mean that somebody clobbered her over the head with it. Unfortunately. Ya Ya squeals, "It doesn't look like me!" One of the judges adds, "You look sweet." And I think that was Ya Ya's point. The judges fall all over themselves praising Eva's photo. Janice thinks Eva has "skin like honey." The judges send the contestants away so they can deliberate, but not before Tyra points out that they're the three shortest women in this season's group. Everybody laughs at that, but honestly, that's just another way the whole "top model" aspect of this contest is a crock. Agencies aren't looking for short, twenty-something gals when they want beginning models. They seem to prefer reedy, pubescent, androgynous giantesses -- with eating disorders.

Ms. Fukushimo, or at least her translator, opines that Amanda's "skin is translucent." It's meant as a compliment but it puts me in mind of "Valeda, the Transparent Talking Lady" at the Kansas Health Museum. Her organs take turns lighting up and then she tells you about them. It's nightmarish. One of the judges (sorry, my notes are a bit spotty) calls Eva "the girl every girl wants to know and be." With sentence construction like that, I'm guessing it was Ms. Fukushimo but I hate to throw stones. Nigel thinks Ya Ya is attractive but he's put off by her arrogance in person. Join the club. (It's huge!) The judges all agree that it's a hard decision. "I'm shaking, you guys!" says Tyra. Janice, thinking she's going through withdrawal, wrestles Tyra to the ground and forces a whole bottle of Seconol down her throat.

With the decision made, the three finalists are called back into the room. First place goes to... Ya Ya. Enjoy it while it lasts, honey. Eva wins second place. Amanda hugs them both, waves at the judges, and bows. Alone (with the camera crew) she breaks down and cries. She sobs that she wanted to win the $100,000 contract so that she could buy her family a house. Aw! Then again, she is way too old to be starting out as a model, not to mention there's the whole "going blind" thing so I don't know what she expected was going to happen, but still... aw! Maybe somebody will let her live in France. With the bunny rabbits. In the composite photo they show at the end of every episode, Amanda vanishes! It's that damned translucent skin, I tell you.

With just the two of them left, Ya Ya and Eva become friendlier. "We let our guards down," says Ya Ya. Eva says, "There's a sweet person underneath" Ya Ya's exterior personality. (And then there's another rampaging bitch underneath that, but I guess you take what you can get.) The pair of them have to go to their last one-on-one counseling sessions with Tyra. Tyra likes that Eva is always trying to improve herself. Eva explains that "There's never a testimony without a test," which is very fortune cookie of her. But what she means is that she's had a difficult life. Since this makes Eva sympathetic, the editors apparently saved any mention of this until the last episode, so as not to ruin the contrived "likeability arc" they'd created for her "character." Ya Ya confesses to Tyra that she didn't think she be called "first or at all." Tyra asks her why she doubted herself. Maybe it's because the only reason Ya Ya lasted this long is that the show needed a villain, and Ya Ya is basically Alexis Carrington, only with the complexion of Edward James Olmos (or me, to be fair about it.)

The final challenge is a fashion show. Eva is confident and points out the fact that she "can walk." Yup, that's definitely a plus. Jay is there, dressed in one of Neo's hand-me-down cassocks. Miss J. is also there and has done "her" hair samurai-style. It turns out that the models have to walk slowly. This panics Eva. I guess she only has one speed. Eva and Ya Ya get dolled up in cheek-to-forehead rouge and ridiculous hair extensions. They're both nervous about the show. Tyra breathlessly exclaims, "I'm nervous, too!" Ha ha ha! Cut the crap. For no good reason at all, Jay seems to be in charge of the fashion show. He gives directions to somebody on a space age headset. I sincerely hope that there's nobody on the other end of his conversation and that the show is, in fact, being run by somebody with a sliver of talent. Ya Ya and Eva step through the curtain aaannnndddd... cut to commercial! Oh, the suspense. It is killing me.

Masked drummers provide the music for the show. The models appear, walking like robots. (What is it with the Japanese and robots?) Backstage, it's pandemonium! Jay yells into the headset, "I need more girls! More girls!" Okay, that setup is way too easy, so let's just move on. Ya Ya is not only walking robotically, she's also banished all emotion from her face. She looks like a dead robot. Eva, meanwhile, looks more like a sexy, determined robot, on its way to a very efficient, highly organized orgy. As Ya Ya passes by, Janice screams, "Faster!" Bless her, I don't think she has the first clue as to where she is. Just like the fashion show in last season's finale, this show is rigged so that the two finalists almost collide with each other. Yawn. Both of the contestants are relieved that the show is finally over. "Eva collapsed into my bosom," says Ya Ya. The producers are kicking themselves that it didn't happen on the catwalk.

From the show, the contestants are told they must go straight to the judging panel. And by "straight," I mean "with a lengthy detour that allows for new hairstyles, makeup, and gowns." Eva and Ya Ya hold hands. Ya Ya silently berates herself for neglecting to wear the springloaded poison ring she keeps for such occasions. Janice has had her hair done, too! It looks like an old-time cathedral radio, covered in mink. Janice critiques Ya Ya's walk by telling her she looked "like a zombie." Tyra thinks Eva's bobbing head was a bit much. Janice compares her to "a little egret." Thinking about all the time I wasted watching this show, I feel a little egret -- I mean, regret. The judges review all of Ya Ya's and Eva's photos. In the tarantula photo, Tyra thinks Ya Ya looks like her. This is when I thought Ya Ya had the title all wrapped up. I remember last season, when Yoanna stayed in the competition week after week, even though the judges berated her for her thick waist. And then she won. Ya Ya was like that this year, with her attitude problem. Thank goodness I was proved wrong.

The judges deliberate and then bring Ya Ya and Eva back in for the final decision. Tyra tells Ya Ya that she "became likeable." She did? When did this happen? Tyra also thinks that Ya Ya is now "a true model from inside out." (I groaned with miserable expectation of Ya Ya's win at this point.) Nevertheless, the actual winner is Eva. Eva cries. Ya Ya tries to look like she's thrilled for Eva but her expression is closer to "Are you ****ing kidding me?" A stagehand splashes a bucket of water on Ya Ya and then she melts into a tiny puddle. All her beautiful wickedness--! Janice gives Eva a hug and then basically climbs on top of her and starts humping her. I wish I were exaggerating. Eva gets the last word: "Look out world, here comes Eva!" And if this were a Japanese horror film, this is the point at which Ann would crawl out of a television set and throttle her.

Stinky Tuscadero

Second "America's Next Top Model" recap post in one night! Woo! This week on "America's Next Top Model," Ann goes all Harvey Dent on Eva and we discover that Jay is not a huggy person. Also there are bikes.

The contestants start the day by meeting with a designer of "Japanese street fashion." This is the "Gothic Lolita" look that has so enthralled Japanese teens and American sex-starved shut-ins. The designer wears what Amanda accurately describes as "a little Mister Potato Head hat." It's a miniature top hat -- rakishly tilted, of course. The ladies are told to create a similar outfit which will then be judged by the designer. At 5'11", Ann is too tall to wear most of the clothing, plus her dick keeps getting in the way. Amanda tries to help her by peeling off layer after layer of her own clothing, except she's wearing about three dozen tops at once so it's not nearly as titillating as it could be. Ann, meanwhile, looks sour and bored and a little peeved about not just the clothing, but also the contest, the television show, Japan, and the entire rest of the universe. Her eventual outfit is boring as hell -- no accessories, no hat, no gloves, not much of anything really. Amanda gets a great review. Ya Ya is told she needs some giant jewelry -- something the size of her ego, maybe. Eva gets low marks for color coordination, which in this case means she had coordinated the colors.

Next, the contestants are given 20,000 yen and a list of four stores. They have to assemble another outfit and report to a design studio before 6 p.m. "When you're looking for something, vision is important," Amanda sagely explains. That's why she gets everything at one store and heads straight for the studio. Eva is outraged by the dearth of English signage: "Like, a lot of characters are written in Japanese." They are? When did that happen? I suppose there's hardly any Norwegian, either! Bastards! Eva runs into Ann on the street, and if only Eva was driving a truck at the time. The dysfunctional duo ends up below one of the stores they're looking for but they don't see it. So they walk away. Eva screams at crowds of hapless Japanese citizens, "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" Then she grows to giant size, destroys numerous skyscrapers, battles Jet Jaguar, and flies off into space. When Ann and Eva finally get their outfits together, they look like the love children of Courtney Love and Ronald McDonald. Ya Ya finishes dressing with only two minutes to spare. It turns out that next to the studio is a store with the same name. The store is closed. Ya Ya thinks the store is the studio. She walks away! Hurrah! When she returns, it's 6:02. The judges, Shingo and Hitomi, politely tell her that she's too late and they ask her to leave. When she's gone, Shingo says to Hitomi that he thinks Ya Ya's behavior was "unacceptable." Dude, I've been saying that since the first time I saw her. Eva wins the challenge! In an interview, she explains, "My idea was, find things that don't look good and don't go together and I will win." And yes, this is cynical but it's also very smart. A big part of staying in this competition is following advice and knowing what the judges want to see and hear. There have been plenty of times when a particular challenge was immediately preceded by a meeting with a stylist/teacher/whatever who told the women exactly what they were supposed to do to win the challenge. It's just that most of the women have been ignoring the advice they've been given. Eva's prize is breakfast with a "mystery guest." She decides to share her prize with Ann on the mistaken assumption that Ann has regained her sanity. In an interview, Ya Ya says, "My non-presence there gave someone else the chance to win." She blessed them with the absence of her compassion and wisdom! (Bitch.)

The mystery man turns out to be a famous jewelry designer. Neither Eva nor Ann have ever heard of him. But they pretend they know who he is anyway just to be polite. He gives them pearl necklaces. (Stop giggling.) Ann and Eva are both in good spirits and I figure at this point that Ann won't screw things up by flipping out again. Shows what I know.

The day's photo shoot will have the ladies posing on bikes while wearing more Gothic Lolita clothes and makeup. Jay appears in a bizarre long-sleeved top that's a bloody car wreck of patterns and textures. Ann thinks it's neat! She reaches out to feel it and Jay snarls, "Ann, don't touch. Honey, you're lucky you [sic] still in this competition. You barely got a photograph." Jay is a hateful little snip of a man. Commercial break. Eva has been voted the Cover Girl of the Week again. It's a title she's held ever since Toccara was eliminated. Say, isn't Ya Ya in this contest? How is Ya Ya's presence allowing Eva to win, week after week? What a mystery! But I believe a clue can be found if you connect all the zits on Ya Ya's forehead.

With the contestants all gussied up like teenage biker whore-clowns, it's time to pose! Miss J. is there, and "she" advises Ann to look "fierce." Yeah, good luck with that. Amanda does a good job but Ya Ya irritates the photographer by making him wait while she arranges her pimply dancer's body into elaborate poses. Ann does a horrible job, like usual. She starts crying. Jay says that she "doesn't get it." I'm guessing Jay doesn't "get it" either, or else he wouldn't be so crabby all the time. Jay tells Ann, "You look like a flight attendant gone wrong! Work it!" I don't know how many times somebody has said that to me. All of Jay's sniping at last puts an expression on Ann's face, and that expression is "tearful hatred." I really do not like Jay but I understand his frustration with Ann. She has no enthusiasm and she seems to resent being asked to do any work at all. That said, Jay is a nasty, poisonous little creep.

The next morning, the women meet with Tyra and Tyra's mom for individual counseling. Amanda is sad because her family needs money. She cries. Ya Ya is told that she doesn't need to advertise her intelligence. She cries. Eva talks about her self-esteem issues. She cries. Ann is upset about all the negative comments she's been getting. She looks sad but doesn't cry. Her tear ducts must be damn near completely dehydrated by now. The ladies then meet Tyra's brother's ex-wife's dentist's cousin's uncle's best friend's accountant or something but it's so boring that I'm not going to describe it.

For the judging panel, Tyra decided that instead of wearing regular eye makeup, she'd smash a couple of Keebler Grasshopper cookies onto her face. So, her eyes are ringed in black with an outer ring of bright green. The effect is stunning. Nole Marin appears to have been embalmed. I hope he purchased a miniature matching sarcophagus for Empress Minnie. The guest judges are Shingo and Hitomi. The contestants get fifteen minutes to create yet another "Japanese street fashion" outfit. The hell? I'm sorry, but how often are models required to dress themselves for fashion shoots? Ya Ya's ensemble is good but the judges bring up the time she was late to the studio. Ya Ya offers up an excuse. Janice mimes yawning and even says "Yawn, yawn, yawn." She's a lunatic but I adore her at times. Amanda is told to remove her belt and to rumple her socks. Then she looks perfect -- as long as you're a psychotic, mass-murdering clown fetishist. Ann looks enervated. The judges badger her with questions she can't answer until she cries. Then they strap a rat cage to her face -- or was that "1984?" Eva's outfit is "not happening." The judges attack her shorts -- with scissors, transforming them into shredded "Daisy Dukes." Eva takes the criticism well and defends herself with a smile. Good for Eva.

In what is captioned for the first time ever, I believe, as the rather ominous-sounding "holding room" (doesn't Guantanamo Bay have one of those things?) Ann says that she's sure she'll be sent home this time. She blames her impending departure on her "honesty" because she didn't fabricate answers, like, oh, say... Eva. Somebody flipped the switch on Ann's back to "evil" again! I bet it was one of the gaffers. Ann thinks Eva is a phony because she pretended she knew who that jewelry designer was, even though Ann did the exact same thing. When Eva gets mad, Ann says, "I'm not having this conversation." Jeebus. Where the hell is that gaffer?

The judges gather the contestants and tell them that they all need to "step up." Amanda wins first place this week. Ya Ya gets second. Third goes to Eva. When Ann leaves, she hugs Amanda and Ya Ya but not Eva. Eva looks gobsmacked again. I think Ann's attitude here is "If I'm losing, I'm taking you down with me." And also, "I'm jealous of Eva and more than a little batshit crazy." In an interview, Ann says, "I hate crying." That's funny, because she sure does it a lot.

Next week: the finale! The judges have a tough decision to make. That's because all three remaining contestants suck equally.

Tea Disservice

Man, am I ever behind on this blog! So... on last week's "America's Next Top Model," it's Norelle versus Japanese culture. Japanese culture wins.

With Nicole's completely unjustified booting, the remaining contestants are moved out of their Tupperware "Stuffables" storage containers and into an actual apartment. There are two suites for five contestants. The trio of squabbling pseudo-lesbians get one suite, while Amanda and Ya Ya share the other. All five ladies are taught how to perform a traditional Japanese tea ceremony. Norelle, to nobody's surprise, looks completely lost. In an interview, Norelle says, "Japan or anything Japanese to me is like space." I think she means outer space and not the ample space inside her bug-eyed noggin, but who knows with her? Ya Ya seconds the notion that Norelle is uncomfortable in foreign settings, and is not as worldly and sophisticated as herself. She goes on to brag about how humble she is and that logical paradox causes sparks to shoot out of my head, just like the androids on that one "Star Trek" episode. Amanda is so taken with the beauty of the tea ceremony that she cries. Eva thinks this qualifies as "diva" behavior. Shut it, shorty. The contestants take turns performing the tea ceremony before an unsmiling panel of experts. One of the judges is a middle-aged lady in a kimono, and her hair is seriously freaking me out. It's a gravity-defying pixie cut that makes her look like a cross between Amelie and Pippy Longstocking, with just a smidgen of the "Dick Tracy" villain, Flattop. Eva keeps glancing sideways at the judges, like she's on the lookout for tea ninjas. Ann is stiff and tense, just like she is in every situation, every hour of every day. Amanda is quite serene, which for some reason is interpreted as "emotional shutdown." Ya Ya forgets part of the ceremony but she answers one of the judges' questions in Japanese, so, you know. Bonus points. (Bitch.) Then it's Norelle's turn. Annnnd... cue the circus music! I swear, this show is edited with all the subtlety of a WWE match. It's a shame Ya Ya couldn't hear the circus music while she was being filmed, because I think that would have been a tremendous help. You hear circus music, you know you're doing something wrong. Crazy Hairdo Lady is diplomatic: "Norelle didn't do very nicely, actually." Haw! Ya Ya wins again, dad blast it. She shares the prize of a visit to a hot springs spa with Amanda. Amanda says that with a smaller number of contestants left, "You're finding out who's real and who's not." Ya Ya is "real?" Ow! Sorry, sparks are shooting out of my head again.

That night the ladies go to a restaurant. Eva is miserable because nobody likes her. Tyra shows up, goads the women into complaining about one another, and leaves. She doesn't exit through the door -- she wraps a cloak about herself and dissolves into a cloud of vampire bats. Ann brings up Eva's anti-Norelle comment once again. Ya Ya jumps into the fray because no one is paying attention to her. Eva looks like she's going to cry. She apologizes to Norelle, but Ann keeps going after her and I still haven't figured out how this is any of Ann's business. Eva fights back by pointing out that Ann thinks Norelle won't win because her hips are too big. In an interview, Norelle says, "I was so confused." Really, you could have put that snippet of video into any episode of this show and it would never be out of context.

For the next challenge, the women have to pose with a mobile phone while wearing a kimono, a goofy wig, and kooky Kabuki makeup. Eva takes Norelle aside and apologizes again, "from the bottom of [her] heart." Norelle, bless her, accepts the apology with gusto and gives Eva a hug. When it's time for the shoot, Tyra demonstrates how the contestants should pose and God DAMN is she good. Even with a ridiculous Tina Turner fright wig she manages to look sexy. Needless to say, the demonstration makes nary a dent in how the contestants pose. Amanda keeps spinning around like if she does it enough times she'll turn into Wonder Woman. Jay warns Ya Ya, "Don't lose your neck!" Sound advice, that. I once lost my neck for a whole week and it made it really hard to drive. I finally found it wedged behind the refrigerator. Norelle's turn is scored with more circus music. She's utterly clueless about posing. Ann is a disaster. Jay tries to get her to think of poses by referencing movies: "Did you ever see My Fair Lady?" NOPE. Heh! Sorry, Jay, but if you're going to reference an Audrey Hepburn film with Ann, you'd have better luck with The Children's Hour. Eva does a good job. Suddenly Naomi Campbell rushes in, grabs the mobile phone from Eva's hand, and uses it to beat everyone senseless. Okay, not really.

Panel time! The guest judge: Kyoko Higa, a.k.a. Amelie Longstocking. For their test, the women have to walk in a "high fashion" manner while wearing a kimono and holding the mobile phone. Ya Ya does well. Amanda does a good job, too. Janice tells her, "You look beautiful like a bonsai butterfly." I think somebody finally balanced her medications! CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. Why, it's Ann! And she's walking like a pissed-off Clydesdale! Norelle's walk is a sickly little shuffle while she uses one hand to hold an invisible tray of invisible watercress sandwiches. Alright, she's actually holding the phone. But the first time I saw it, I couldn't even see the teeny little phone and I thought that Norelle had finally lost her mind. Eva still looks shell-shocked. Tyra asks her if it's because of the competition. I don't know why, but Eva says that it is and she doesn't mention Ann. When the judges deliberate, Tyra says that she loves Eva less because she's depressed. Gah! Ouch! Stupid sparks!

Amanda gets first place this week and Ya Ya gets second. Eva gets third. Ann wins fourth and she's so thankful that she cries. (Tyra is furious!) In an interview, Norelle says, "I will be a model. I will be America's next top model!" Apparently no one bothered to explain to her that she was kicked out of the contest. Wouldn't it be awesome if she kept showing up?

Next week (okay, okay, this week): Eva can't understand why there is so little English signage in Tokyo and Ann is made up like a clown. A sad clown.

Ya Ya Dancer, Your Life Is Appalling

This week's "America's Next Top Model" was a clip show, albeit one with some previously unseen footage. It really brought back the memories. For example, I had forgotten how completely immobile Jennipher's face is. I did not, however, need to see Jay in drag again. Ye gods! But mostly this show was a showcase for Ya Ya's insufferable superiority complex. I guess I hadn't noticed it so much in the earlier episodes, but apparently she's been full of herself and condescending to everyone else since day one. The most telling bit of new footage showed a telephone call that Ya Ya made to her sister after the judging panel bitched her out over dissing a hat. Ya Ya sobs her heart out (and yet I'm strangely unmoved) and her sister tells her to "continue to bless people with your compassion and your wisdom." So apparently Ya Ya's entire family thinks its a bunch of freaking saints. I bet they have to call the plumber a lot, since they're all so perfect that they shit diamonds.

Next week: Norelle can't work a sliding door. Then her new girlfriend, Ann, smashes through it like the Incredible Hulk. (Just kidding about that last part.)

Konichi-blah!

On this week's "America's Next Top Model," Amanda can't even die correctly, Ya Ya disrespects a pickled plum, and Nicole's failure to concoct a wildly stereotypical reality show persona leads to her elimination.

This episode is chock-full of great quotes. Let's start off with Nicole, who declares, "Panel's not a place for me to go and act like a 'tard." Classy! Now that the editors can be bothered to show Nicole's interview footage, she reminds me a lot of Pink: tough, sassy, plain spoken, and perhaps a bit stinky.

The morning's "Tyra Mail" message states simply, "Prepare to die." This alarms some of the contestants. They're probably expecting they'll be led into a small, dark room, and then Janice Dickinson will drop from the ceiling and disembowel them. But no, it's just an acting class. Their acting partner will be Taye Diggs, who in a wild coincidence stars in the UPN program that airs right after this one. The aspiring models are given one chance to perform a deathbed scene. They get to read their lines -- for the first and only time -- off of cue cards. For maximum humor value, they have to pronounce a lot of medical terminology and just a smidgen of French. In most cases, the women's acting comes to a dead halt when they get to a word they can't pronounce, and they do everything but bolt upright in bed as they stare at the cue card and sound out the word in a flat, halting voice. Amanda forgets that dead people typically stop moving. Taye Diggs improvs, "You're alive!" The acting coach comments on every contestant except Nicole and then she starts to announce the winner. Oops! She's "forgotten" Nicole! And I put that in scare quotes because in retrospect this will end up looking extremely staged. The winner is... Ya Ya. (Yawn, yawn.) Her prize is "luxury class" seating on the contestants' flight to their next destination: Tokyo. Norelle interviews that she's apprehensive about visiting a foreign land, only she phrases it in a way that is much more xenophobic, and, of course, stupider. She giggles nervously, and then her face does that walleye thing that makes her look like a willowy, elfin Buddy Hackett.

Ya Ya has totally alienated herself from the other ladies but the rules state that she HAS to share her prize with one of the other women. She chooses Amanda, since Amanda is one of the few ladies left in the contest with whom Ya Ya hasn't shared one of her numerous other prizes. On the plane, Ya Ya and Amanda drink wine and play with their motorized seats. Fun fact: in "luxury class," all of the magazines have Tyra Banks on the cover! Even Guns & Ammo! Even Asphalt Contractor and Numismatic News!

At long last Tokyo. "A capsule hotel is a hotel of capsules," Amanda informs us. Wait a minute... that wasn't informative at all! Suffice it to say that the contestants will be living in what appears to be an automat for cannibals. The rooms are actually glass-fronted cases, about two-and-a-half feet high, stacked three deep. Each capsule has a blind the occupant can pull down for privacy. Except this is Japan, so the interiors of the capsules are loaded with high-tech "panty cams" which transmit continuous footage of the contestants' unmentionables to men's clubs across the city.

For their next challenge, the women must perform in a soup commercial, speaking mostly Japanese. While waiting for her turn, Ann practices her lines. Her quietly despairing delivery of "Konich-wa" cracks me up. The women are dressed and made-up in an avant-garde yet traditional Japanese fashion. Their blush spreads from their cheeks over their eyes and onto their foreheads. Special guest makeup artist: your grandma! The commercial's director is a Japanese man who doesn't speak English. I called bullshit on that right away because I remembered last season's trip to Milan where an Italian designer who "didn't speak English" turned up on the judging panel and revealed himself to be American. The women have a tough time getting through the filming. Eva is so worried by her lousy performance, she says she hopes Norelle does worse. One problem: Norelle is about five feet away when she says it. Norelle gazes at her with the bemused detachment of the highly intelligent and the very, very stupid, but says nothing. Ann decides to be offended for Norelle. Donating one's outrage is very trendy this year.

The contestants face the judging panel. The commercial director is there! He still doesn't speak English! Crap. I hate it when I'm wrong about these things. For the final test of the night, the ladies must act in another ad -- this time for a Japanese food item that is later described as "a pickled plum." The plum apparently tastes nasty. (And why is this show morphing into Fear Factor? First the tarantula and now this. Grrrr...!) Eva does a great job! Evidently she's had a lot of practice in swallowing things that taste unpleasant. The editors dispense with even the possibility of suspense when Ya Ya's turn comes, because they crank up the scary music and they slo-mo parts of it. The only thing missing is a smash-cut to Tyra running from a fireball and screaming "NOOOOOO!!!" At any rate, Ya Ya is very perky and engaging and she delivers her lines perfectly, and everything is going splendidly until she skips the part where she has to eat the plum. She finishes her lines and she still doesn't eat it. The judges start chanting "Eat it, eat it," like they're at a frat party. A haute couture frat party! Ya Ya puts the plum in her mouth and pretends to enjoy it way too much. She writhes and makes little doggy whining noises, and then she starts in with the orgasmic moaning. The plum is so big, SO BIG! Using her extensive dance training, she contorts her body into a question mark and then, when her face is below the level of the table, she spits out the plum. The Japanese judge looks offended, but who really knows since he doesn't speak English? Still, this is clearly an international incident. Quick, call the U.N.! They'll solve this problem in about, let's see, judging from their history with international disputes, hmm, carry the two, okay, so that would be never, basically. Janice baits Ya Ya by asking her how the plum tastes. "Like nothing I've ever tasted before," Ya Ya replies with a plum-eating grin. That's a solid, diplomatic answer. She's learning!

The judges gather all the contestants together. They rate their performances and "forget" Nicole again. See what I mean? In private, Tyra thinks Nicole is "blah." "Beyond blah," echoes Janice, who looks and sounds "beyond wasted." And also, how very "Carolyn from 'The Apprentice'" of her. In a stunning upset, the judges choose Ann as the best contestant this time around. Eva is second and she would have gotten first except the judges have suddenly decided they don't like her voice. Nicole and Ya Ya are in a dead heat for last place. But ultimately Nicole is booted for being boring. Sure, her pictures have been consistently wonderful, but this isn't a modeling contest. It's a soap opera with really cheap production values -- a community dinner theater version of "Paper Dolls," if you will. A chorus of bipolar castrati sings and Sylvia Plath noodles about on a keyboard as Nicole says her goodbyes. Everybody is crying, except for Janice, 'cause, y'know. Botox.

Next week: Ann breaks up with Eva! And I thought those two kids had something special.

Toccara Eats It

On this week's "America's Next Top Model," the contestants have to work with a small, venomous creature. And no, I don't mean Jay. It's a tarantula! The judges continue the spider theme by smooshing Toccara with a Kleenex and flushing her down the toilet.

I missed the first few seconds of this episode, which begins with Tyra Banks in her "bedroom," with "no makeup on" and her hair "a mess." She's "crying!" Tyra is in a teddy and is sitting on her bed with another lady who is fully clothed. Tyra tells this lady that she feels bad because she couldn't help last week's eliminated contestant, the gleefully bulimic Cassie. The other lady tells her not to feel bad. Annnd... CUT! I remember wondering who on Earth that lady was. Based on her cold, unemotional demeanor, I finally decided that she must have been Tyra's therapist, who made an emergency house call to the soundstage where Tyra lives. I later found out it was Tyra's mom. Jeez Louise, Tyra! Everything else was fake! Just fire your dull mom and hire Thelma Hopkins. Who would know?

Back at the aspiring models' apartment... uh-oh, someone's at the door! It's a godawfully attired professional stylist named Rebecca Weinberg. She's accompanied by two overly groomed, waxy-looking fellows who... well, I'm not exactly sure what their jobs are, to be honest. I think they're image consultants or something. The waxy men recoil in fear when confronted with Ann's butch athleticism. Rebecca, who looks like a cross between Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies and Sonic the Hedgehog, doesn't like any of the contestants' clothes. She tells Amanda her outfits look "cheap." Amanda thinks she means "inexpensive." Try again, dear.

Tyra shows up while the contestants are having dinner. She sits at a conveniently empty chair at the head of the table and proceeds to eat off of everyone's plates. I guess she thinks this makes her quirky and loveable, but it's really just obnoxious and kind of creepy.

For their next challenge, Rebecca Weinberg takes the aspiring models to a discount clothing warehouse and gives them fifteen minutes to pull together an outfit. The contestants all rely on Rebecca's earlier advice, with the exception of Ya Ya who of course knows better because Ya Ya is fabulous and strong and she represents, girlfriend, and also because she's a major horse's ass. Toccara has trouble finding anything in her size, because she's kind of chunky and also the producers are screwing with her. Rebecca wears earrings made from lengthy chunks of Tyra's "safety orange" weave. In their new outfits, the contestants attend a simulated red carpet event, minus the event, and are interviewed by a reporter from "Us Weekly." The reporter asks each of them which of their fellow contestants are hard to get along with. Quirky, childlike, moronic Norelle is the only one dumb enough to actually give the reporter a name. And that name is... "Ya Ya." Since this challenge is judged by the reporter and not by Rebecca Weinberg, Ya Ya wins. Our Lady Ya Ya, full of grace (and crap) proves once again that she is much, much better than anyone else by sharing her prize with Norelle... even though she privately thinks that Norelle is "a flake."

The next day, the contestants get to model diamond rings in a "beauty shot." That means this is the only time they're not made up to look like circus clowns. Jay tells them they'll be posing with a partner. Cue the short, dumpy woman with the tarantula. Eva asks if the dumpy lady is their partner. Nope! Eva freaks out. She cries, before, during, and after her shoot. She thinks she's doomed, but the judging panel praises her photo to the skies. The judges also like Ya Ya's photo, but they give her a royal ass chewing over her attitude. Ya Ya breaks down and cries! I know! I can't believe it either! She actually seems to take Tyra's advice to heart. This would all be very touching except for the part where Janice Dickinson demands that she apologize to a hat. But what's with Toccara? The judges are all amazed that the confindent woman she was at the beginning of this contest has turned into a mousy, miserable wreck. Gee, how'd that happen? They decide to send Toccara home because they think that she doesn't want to win this contest as much as her last-place rival, Ann. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. The judges have hated almost all of Ann's photos and they told her only last week that she wasn't photogenic, and yet they choose her over Toccara because she "wants it" more. Just imagine if medical schools or fire departments worked this way. The only up side to this is that the judges can now concentrate on crushing the spirit of a different contestant. They've already made a good deal of progress with Ya Ya.

Next week: acting lessons with Taye Diggs, with a cameo by Tyra Banks in a "sexy nurse" outfit straight out of a Bob Hope special. Yikes!

Hippy People Need Not Apply

On this week's "America's Next Top Model": the polls have closed and the final tally has been made. It's official! Two out of five fashion designers think Cassie has a big, fat ass.

This episode was pretty boring, thanks in large part to Cassie the Bottom-Heavy Yokel. The only reason she made it this far is because Tyra can only get rid of one contestant per week. Just like last week, she spends all of this episode feeling miserable. She doesn't want to be in the contest. Her uncle back home is deathly ill. Despite her debilitating eating disorder (which she doesn't think she has), famous designers tell her she's "too hippy." None of the judges think she's photogenic. (That's true, actually.) None of the other contestants like her. She doesn't know what to make of all the drag queens who keep popping up on this show. (You're in New York, honey. Get used to it.) It's a relief when she's finally eliminated, but it's not the least bit cathartic. I didn't love Cassie or hate her. She was just there. She was just in the way, taking valuable screen time away from people who are more interesting.

Like Toccara! Toccara enjoys food so much that she keeps it piled around her bed. It's like she's sandbagging her mattress against an oncoming flood, except the sandbags all have the word "Ruffles" printed on them. She tells one of the other ladies, "My mama eat [sic] in her sleep!" And then she mimes her sainted mother tossing and turning while munching on a sandwich. Dear Lord! That's either deeply disturbing or an impressive display of time management. Toccara's confidence takes a beating after it becomes clear that haute couture designers don't keep piles of plus-size gowns on hand for the (very) odd occasion that someone weighing more than ninety-five pounds comes to visit. Still, many of the designers think Toccara has a great personality. Not they would ever, under any circumstances, want to hire her. (And speaking of personality... when Tyra informed the contestants that the designers would be partly judging them on their personalities, Cassie looked stricken. You could tell she was thinking, "My personality? Damn! I knew I left something back in Oklahoma!") All of the negative feedback puts Toccara's nerves on edge. She gets into a nasty argument with the show's stylist, her photo shoot goes poorly, and she ends up sobbing her heart out to The Divine Swami Ya Ya. Janice "May Contain Some Filler" Dickinson thinks Toccara has no place in the competition. Tyra thinks Toccara could be a pioneer and break the fashion world's weight barrier, which is like the sound barrier, but chunkier.

In the middle of the episode, the wannabe models dine on kangaroo meat at an Australian restaurant, and it makes some of them giddy and flirty -- with each other. Ann, Eva, Amanda, and Norelle pile into a hot tub. The Right Reverend Ya Ya is horrified! She and the other contestants don evening gowns and have their very own party, with wine! (The degenerate drunks.)

Next week: tarantulas!

Breakfast In Bed, With a Knuckle Sandwich

On this week's "America's Next Top Model," Tyra Banks sneaks into the apartment while the contestants are asleep. She awakens each and every one of them with a merciless beating. No, seriously. She flings herself on their beds and just slaps the crap out of them. The contestants are delighted. "My jaw was just fractured by Tyra Banks! The Tyra Banks!" I have to believe this was staged. For one thing, if somebody pulled that nonsense with me, I'd instinctively grab onto something -- say, an alarm clock or a table lamp -- and smash it into my attacker's face before I'd even opened my eyes. I'm just sayin'.

Tyra has brought along a plus-size model and a nutritionist, and she gatheres the contestants to talk about body image and proper eating habits. She offers the contestants one-on-one counseling. Cassie confesses to Tyra and Co. that she binges-and-purges occasionally, which in her mind isn't an eating disorder. Except that it totally is. Bonus creepy moment: in a phone call, we learn that Cassie's boyfriend knows that she has an eating disorder, and doesn't seem terribly upset about it. Right on, dude! No fat chicks! Jackass.

Cassie has another problem: the other contestants hate her. Cassie keeps to herself and she's kind of a slob, or as Alliterative Albino Amanda puts it, "a sloppy slut." Cassie whips up a batch of low-carb brownies that none of the other contestants are allowed to eat and leaves the kitchen a mess. The He-Ann Cassie-Haters Club (a.k.a. Ann and Eva) swings into action. Ann seizes a knife and carves into the brownies a demand that Cassie "clean up [her] shit." Eva keeps watch. The other ladies giggle and shush one another. Kelle merrily anticipates "Drama!" When Cassie discovers the vandalism, she's naturally upset. But then she takes it to a weird extreme where the mutilated brownies act as some kind of rape metaphor. She interrogates all of the roommates. Nobody owns up to the crime. Did I say "crime?" This sounds like a job for... Saint Ya Ya! Did you know that Ya Ya is a nurturing caregiver? Yeah, me neither. That's because Ya Ya is actually a condescending twit whose sole agenda is to impress other people with her moral superiority. Ya Ya is fresh out of Buddhist robes and nuns' habits, so she instead dons the most passive-aggressive T-shirt she owns. Dinner that night takes place at Moby's famed restaurant, "Teany," where the patrons may subsist only on select lichens and the very air itself. The other contestants are intrigued by Ya Ya's T-shirt, which is emblazoned with a Portugese word. Ya Ya regally explains that the word means "respect." As a ray of light illuminates her face, a dove with an olive-branch in its mouth lands on her shoulder, and the table centerpiece bursts into heavenly flame, Ya Ya tells them that they need to respect one another more. This goads Ann into confessing, but it only makes Cassie even angrier. She's so angry she could cry! And then she cries. In the background, a pale, stunted vegan waitress schleps dishes, looking none-too-pleased by the presence of so many aspiring models.

The next morning, the women attend a grueling "boot camp" style workout. Most of the women are excited by the indoor obstacle course. Apparently they'd spend all their waking hours at "Chuck E. Cheese," if the food wasn't so fattening. The drill instructor tries to look like a total badass, with fatigues and a crew cut and a scrubbly goatee, but the effect is completely ruined by his severely plucked eyebrows. He claims to be a former military man. In what branch? The Kiss Army? Cassie's body is currently devoid of all nutrients, so she's weak and miserable and not the least bit motivated, even when she's yelled at by The Prettiest Sergeant Ever. After the workout, the women head down the street to another building, where they are greeted by the very same drill instuctor! He's a witch! (Well, he does have eyebrows like Billie Burke.) The women now have to run up fourteen flights of stairs, straight to the roof, where they will immediately be photographed in the most alluring poses they can muster. All that running makes Eva want to throw up, but she can't quite commit to it. ("HUCK!" Pause, stagger a few feet. "HORP!") Nothing comes out. She should ask Cassie for pointers.

The next day, the women are photographed while bouncing on a trampoline. Taking the judges' previous advice to heart, Ya Ya succeeds in looking less 'like a dancer" and more like a total spaz. Ann inexplicably brutalizes herself, slamming her body face-first into the trampoline. She ends up with a lot of scrapes and a "best photo" that makes it look like she's been shot out of a cannon. Kelle's boobs slip the surly bonds of both Earth and her outfit. Even pixelated for family viewing, the liberated breasts flop gaily about, and with more grace and abandon than the rest of Kelle's body combined. Kelle keeps jumping up and down, grinning moronically, while people scream at her to tuck her breasts back into her dress. Everybody thinks Kelle is the worst model left in the competition. Even the little toy dog that sits on the fat guy's lap thinks so. With the last few shreds of her self-esteem blasted into tiny atoms, Kelle is booted from the contest. So, Kelle... still enjoying the "drama?"

Snout Awareness

This week, on "America's Next Top Model," the unflappable (i.e. stone-faced) Jennipher posed dully in lingerie, staggered dully about on rollerskates while modeling a purse (dully) and spent a lot of time complaining in a flat, emotionless tone about how everyone seems to find her dull. Can you guess which contestant got booted from the competition at the end of this episode?

The show's centerpiece was Toccara's one-on-one talk with supermodel/producer/microphone-licker Tyra "Moon Maiden" Banks, which degenerated quickly into a long crying jag about her parents. I felt awful for her. The really sad part is that according to Toccara, her parents were pretty much useless to her when she was growing up, and yet she still feels like they have power over her. She's still trying to prove herself to them, even though their own personal problems forced Toccara into taking the parenting role in her family. Tyra gave her a hug. ("Take comfort in my tangerine-colored weave, child.")

For comic effect, the editors then cut to a scene with Toccara walking into a room and finding Kelle in the middle of her own crying jag. But Kelle's problem is that she suddenly hates the way she looks -- so much so that she can't bear to see herself in a mirror. Welcome to the world of modeling! The producers' and judges' ongoing campaign to destroy Kelle's self-esteem is chugging along just fine, thank you very much. Each week they choose some bizarre out-take with Kelle's face or body in a weird position, and present it to her as her "best photo," along with generous dollops of belittling remarks. Dang, suddenly everybody wants to be Michael Moore. Kelle's main concern is with her mouth -- or, as she's calling it this week, her "snout." She sobs to Toccara, "I was in denial about my snout, but now I know." (That sounds like the title of the best Judy Bloom book EVER.) Kelle points to a magazine photo with a model who has her very own "snout." Kelle is oblivious to the fact that this grotesquely deformed model is earning a living by appearing in fashion magazines. The editors blurred out the model's eyes, no doubt to save her from nationwide scandal. Snoutgate! Toccara tries to boost Kelle's confidence but you can tell that her heart really isn't in it, and I don't blame her. Kelle is nineteen, which is just a little too old for that kind of self-pitying bullshit, especially when the person in question thought she was the Queen of the Carnival only a few weeks back, and particularly especially when the "snout" in question is a perfectly normal-looking mouth.

The contestants had to pose in a store window while wearing skimpy lingerie. In true reality show form, the judge announced that the prize would be "Five thousand dollars...!" (Pause, wait for contestants to shriek with venal joy.) "...worth of lingerie!" Their excitement was remarkably undimmed. Maybe some of them thought that they could take the lingerie to a bank and exchange it for currency. The James Cagney-esque Eva posed her short, pugnacious heart out, while Toccara's stiffer poses seemed to take their inspiration from Hermione Gingold in "The Music Man." ("ONE Grecian urn...!") And throughout the show, just like all the past shows, the judges hammered Ya Ya with their inane "Stop moving like a dancer" critique. At least one of them actually demonstrated this for her this week. One judge posed, which meant "dancer," and then let the pose droop somewhat, which meant "model." So, models are like enervated dancers. Got it.

Next week on ANTM, someone sticks her finger into a tray of brownies and all hell breaks loose. Can't wait!