What's Your Christmas Wish?

This Christmas I want one of them persunal hovercraft deals like I seen the Atomick Skull use cause word around the pokey is the Skull is putting together a new gang only you got to own your own persunal hovercraft deal if you want to join up so that'd pretty sweet I mean I hear his benefits packege is top of the line with all your dental needs completeley covered which I guess makes sense considdering if you got a skull for a face your gonna make pretty goddamn sure your teeth look nice right? Also I want for that bum Steve Lombard at GBS to use one of them sports bloopers tapes I keep sending him I mean I got this one thats a real byoot its from the time I was in Two Faces mob and he put me in charge of filming our heists so we can go back later and see any mistakes me made and anyway this ONE time we was robbing the box office at the Gotham Goliaths game on Free Hat Night and Batman was chasing me and Izzy and Soupbone and then Batman conks Soupbone right in the old melon with a Battering and he goes flying over the rail and he lands on the umpire in a way that it looks like hes ass-ramming him I mean thats pretty good right? I dunno.

This Christmas season I'd like for once to get away with wearing my special mistletoe hat at Harry's office building without running into that one burly delivery guy who makes kissy-noises and winks at me and calls me "Precious." Also, I'd like to get his phone number. Er, so I can give that turkey a real piece of my mind! Yeah.

I want an oficial Micronauts Crater Cruncher, the orange one, with the bulldozer scoop and the extendable crane. Because I'm tired of walking to work.

Id like to get in another post before the end of the year I mean its been what? Seven months now or something? Jesus Christ. Does anybody in theyr right mind think that Manny chump is any kind of replasemint for ME? Like hell he is I mean I coold take that fat balding dope any day of the week and you can tell him I said that too. My cellmate Fabian got released last Laber Day and I feel like I dont see nun of my old friends no more and I aint had a mackaroon in ages Im getting serious lonely you guys. Blockade Boy where are you?

I'd like for Santa to bring me a diamond-tipped grinder I can use for sharpening costumes. Also? I want Blockade Boy to realize that he's a horrible fashion design and to turn over the blog to me so I can start righting all the fashion wrongs he's made. Night Girl in a printed catsuit? Puh-LEASE. She obviously should be wearing a full-body owl costume with cut-outs for her beehive and her tits.

I just want everybody who has ever stopped by this blog to have a great holiday, whatever it happens to be.

Me too, Jeremy. In some ways, I wish the Christmas season would never end. Mainly because I've gotten more action in this Santa outfit than I've gotten in my last four costumes combined! Oh, well. (And don't fret, Lenny; I'll visit you next week.) Happy Holidays, everyone!

I Rembember That One Guy Stingaree By Manny Fodder, Profeshunal Henchman

Well whaddaya know Im a colunmist now! Blockayde Boy sez my letters to my dear Glynda gone over so well in the future in another dimenshun that folks over there are clammering for more and as I been thinking about riting my ottobiography anyhow I figgered why not and also when your locked up in the joint like I offen am and a guy whose way bigger and hairier than you are suddenly mateerialyzes in your cell and asks you to do something it dont matter what it is you just DO IT.

Well Blockayde Boy asked me if I ever henched for a mook name of "Stingaree"and it just so happens I did and then Blockayde Boy asked me if I wood rite down my impreshuns of working for him so here goes.

Its 1967 and me and Glynda are going thru a rough patch on account of me not being abel to spend time with Manny Jr. like a dad should on account of me spending about twennyfive percent of the year henching and the other sixtyfive percent in the slammer and as a result we got money troubels like you wouldnt beleive lemme tell you. So when I get out of prison that year I make up my mind to do rite by my wife and my kid and that means I gotta find me a SAFER hench job someplace there aint no superheroes like overseas maybe and also it oughta pay real good so I can set them outta that shack they been living in and set them up someplace more glammerus like Rockaway. So that means I gotta swallow my pride and ask that jerk Panama for a favor cause I know he got innernashunal coneckshuns up the wazoo. (Oh and I guess I should explain all us guys call him Panama cause he sure likes them hats and I hardly ever seen him without one like even in the clink he somehow finnaygled a way to wear one and the hacks dont allow no hats at ALL normally on account of that insident with Crazy Quilt and the warden and the skwirrel that got in here somehow and the bottle of rubber cement. And still somehow Panama convinsed them to let him wear a hat I guess cause he is a fast talker and hes got a lot on the ball only most of us in the hench game dont care for him cause hes a grade a knowitall and sure he talks a lot but hes mainly stating the ovvious and after a while you just wanna kick him in the nuts.) So anyhow I meet up with Panama in his "office" in the back room of this poolhall in Newark and hes all gussied up in this thing that looks like a Superman costume only it got a C on the chest instead of a S and hes wearing this gray helmet that looks like a welders helment kind of but of course the Panama hat perched on top gives him rite away. And I know he must of landed a real sweet gig this time cause hes cockier than ever and really lording it over me that I even have to ask for a job and I wanna take that stupid hat off his stupid head and cram it right down his stupid throat but what can I do I got a wife and a kid and I gotta do rite by them you know? So I grin and bare it and the next thing I know Im working for the famous crime syndicket CYCLOPS in HOLLAND and the pays pretty good I got more than plenty to send home to Glynda and Manny Jr. and still have some left over for hookers and booze on a Friday nite and if I had to complain about anything it would just be that the food aint all that good like everything is covered in cheese sauce wether you ask for it or NOT altho the coffee aint half bad oh and also this one time I went looking for a baseball mitt for Manny Jr. and when Id try to describe it to the stupid Holland store clerks they just looked at me like I was outta my goddamn mind.

So the Cyclops boss is this nut Stingaree dressed all in green with a manta on his chest and he has both a cape AND a tail and when hes talking to you the tail twitches around and lifts up the back of the cape like its trying to cop a feel on Stingarees ass and its just really distrackting. On the plus side as soon as Panama returned there with me and a coupel other new guys in tow Stingaree takes one look at that dopey hat of his and his tail SHOOTS OUT and knocks the hat right offa Panamas head and pins it to the wall and even tho Panama was wearing the regalashun gray helmet and I couldnt see his frightend puss I saw these little droplits of sweat pop out all over his fat neck. So that was pretty sweet. (And by the way? Panama was never a leader type or nothing I mean me and him essenshully had the same job title but that didnt stop him from trying to give the rest of us henchmen orders I dont know what was up with that other than him being a jackass.) After that they fitted me for a uniform and the queer little taylor guy from Armenia with the pensilled-on mustache got too touchy feely on the inseam part if you ask me but hey Id just got there I didnt wanna make no waves. Im a "go along to get along" type guy when I have to be. Oh and also they handed me the Cyclops oreentashun manyual which if Id been just starting out in the biz woulda depressed the shit outta me but beleive you me I seen it all before but if you guys in the future dimenshun are interested heres the jist of it quoted as near as I can rembember:

• Yes we are aware that the inspeckshun devise in the main coridor bares a striking resemblense to the male member. Any remark made by you about the simmilerities will result in your suspenshun or possibly death depending on what kind of mood Stingaree is in that day.
• Ditto for your brite red grapnel gun espeshully as it has that one part that looks like balls.
• Please do not play on beneath next to around or near the Liquidator tank robot it is not a toy.
• Do not make any puns involving the dikes and Stingarees sister.
• Stingaree reserves the rite to use his fearfull powers on you at the time and place of his choosing and without your consent.
• Always clean up after yourself in the breakroom your mother doesnt work here.
• Please refrayne from taunting the janitorial staff Holland hates us enough as it is and quite frankly the constent remarks about their acksents arent helping the sitchuashun.
• Even tho your face is covered up by a gray helmet Stingaree can tell when you arent smiling at him. Dont get him wrong he dont want you to get a boner or nothing but would it kill you to smile I mean its only common curtessy. And make it look sinsere.

Also I should probbly menshun my speerits werent ecksackly lifted when I got to my locker cause heres what I found written on the door:

Adelbert
Rolf
Gerardus
Pedro
Mikhail
Noushzad
Toshiro
Manny

Kind of a high turnover rate dont you think espshully when you consider they only been using that base for THREE MONTHS. And my guess is those poor saps didnt find no better job oppertunities or nothing they probbly got themselfs kacked by Stingaree.

Okay so I manage to last a hole five weeks without getting on Stingarees bad side (altho I swear maybe TWO DOZEN henchmen came and went in the meantime and Id say for sure Stingaree offed at least half of them if not more I know I persunally seen him do it on seven diffrent occayshuns) and I feel like Im really settling in there at the Cyclops base and Im making loads of dough so of course the base has to get infultrated by that weerd superhero Metal Murphy and also Elementary Girl who if you can beleive THIS used to be Stingarees FIANSAY! Dont get me wrong she got a shape on her and she kinda looks like Charro in the face but COME ON her hair is GREEN and her right leg looks like its made outta DOG SHIT plus she smells like that stuff they use to clean swimming pools but if you enjoy gallavanting around wearing a goddamn TAIL I guess your up for ANYTHING.

So anyhow we think the Liquidator will stop them but they bash it up real bad and finally the walls of the coridor close in on it and crush it while the two of them turn into smelly gas and excape and if I could just innerjeck here nobody bothered to tell ME the coridor walls were desined to do that like it aint even in the MANYUAL and youd think thats the kinda thing itd be helpful for your henchmen to know so they dont acksidennally get trapped or nothing Im just saying is all. And then Stingaree kind of halfway melts them using the sonic cannon but they ooze thru a grate and head for an air vent and Stingarees voice comes over the innercom saying "STINGAREE TO ALL UNITS METAL MURPHY AND ACKOMPLISS EXCAPING THE LAIR! THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! EMURGENCY!" and Im standing there thinking "Yeah I know dumbass we been watching the hole thing on the survaylince cameras."

And this one guy who aint half bad Stumpy I think hes called he figgers out which vent theyre in so of course Panama yells "If we fail Stingaree will use his own fearfull powers on us! FIRE! FIRE!" and we all of us are shooting but theyre long gone by then and I turn to Panama and I say "You know what smartguy you coulda just started FIRING like the rest of us was already DOING instead of flapping your gums and then shooting a couple times after they was TEN MILES AWAY" and Panama gets all pissy and says "Dont make me pull rank on you Fodder" and I say "Oh cut the crap Panama! I dont care if you hooked me up with this gig your just a grunt like the rest of us and the next time you forget that Im knocking your goddamn BLOCK off" and I give him a shove for emfassis and it probbly woulda turned into a fistfight if Stingarees voice hadnt of come over the squawk box again telling everybody to fan out and search all the waterways and to rembember to take our grapnel guns or as I liked to call them the "shlong rifles."

So were all firing grappling hooks into the canals on the one-in-a-millyun chance we will ackshully HIT one of them but it turns out they was stuck like gum to one of the windmills the HOLE TIME and the only way we can tell THAT is cause a small plane flies in outta nowhere and Stingaree takes off after it in his fruity purple huvvercraft and Metal Murphy turns HISSELF into a grappling hook and flies offa the windmill and makes Stingaree crash. So Stingaree gives us orders IN PERSON for once and tells us to DESTROY Metal Murphy and I get that hollow feeling in my gut that I always get when I know the jig is up but I gotta go thru the goddamn motions anyhow and to top it off Panama the suck-up says "CYCLOPS commands! We obay!" and I just wanna smash his FACE in but I try to shake it off and just consentrate on switching the grapnel gun from grappling mode to flamethrower mode (the gun has something like twenny diffrent modes and you gotta work all these microscopick buttons and levers and dials and shit in just the rite order to go from one mode to another or else the gun EXPLODES honestly I dont know who desined the stupid thing but Id like to break theyr nose.)

So me and the rest of the boys are blasting at Metal Murphy but he unsticks himself from the windmill and turns into a big pink BOWLING BALL with SMOKE boiling out of it and he rolls RITE AT US and also his ugly mug keeps popping out of it and the weerd thing is I swear he was kind of EYE-RAPING me the hole time. But anyhow he flattens us just like I knew he was gonna oh and rite before he smashed into us Panama says "Our guns... they got no effeckt!" and Im thinking "Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite" and GODDAMN but that Panama works my last nerve. So I wind up lieing there with my leg BROKEN for like the forth time in as many years and I come to just in time to see Stingaree acktivate a speshul switch that destroys the dike and sends a wall of seawater rushing twoards us and again I'm thinking itd be nice if Id even known there WAS a speshul switch in the FIRST place and thank God Metal Murphy turns hisself into a bulldozer and rams the crashed plane into the destroyed part to plug it up. Afterwords Metal Murphy turns us all over to the local cops and after it all gets sorted out innernashunally I get my ass haulled back to America and I'm tossed into the pokey AGAIN and its like I aint never ever been away. Oh and I hear Panama got SEVERE BRAIN DAMADGE from being squashed by Metal Murphy the pink bowling ball and now hes in a home somewhere.

I wonder if he still wears the hat.

Manny's Worst Day Ever

Dear Glynda,

I am writing you from the prison hospitle. In France. I know thats probly a shock but I figger its best to just be out with it like rippin off a bandaid.

So heres what happened this time. You know that one guy Hap who used to hench for the Calculater well he told me last time I was in jail I oughta take me a electronicks class cause then I can get better paying gigs. And I did! And it was easy! Like I learnt COMPUTER LANGUAGE which is a breeze you dont have to worry about captilzashun or fancy-shmancy grammer or nothing. So then like two days after my releas I meet this guy Whitey who says hes rounding up tecknolodgical-minded henchmen for a big cushy job in some guys big floating fortress over in EUROPE and the airfare is free and they even take care of faking the visa and what-not so of course I say YES.

Well it turns out the boss is a one-armed NAZI name of "General Sal" or something ekwally stupid and Im thinking of cutting and running right there I mean even a old merc like mes got standards but I already signed the contract and I really need the dough so beggers cant be choosers I guess. In the plus collum I get to wear only the sweetest hi-teck supersuit like EVER. All shiny and red and silver and the arms and legs look like Slinkys and the guns are BUILT RIGHT IN and the helmet is so big they had room for some kinda machine that gives you a Japanese massajh now and then just for kicks. The teck part is top of the line like even more advansed that a Commodore Vic-20 if you can beleive it. Even better the suit was already detailed when I got there washed and waxed and the interior smells like pine needels so I guess other than the Nazi part that General Sal guy is a real class act.

There was maybe a couple hunnert henchguys there altogether so natchurly I seen a lotta famillyer faces. Smitty and Clubber and Freebie and Porky and Two-Tone and Nosey and Stumpy and Winks and probly even more I cant remmember right now cause the beating I took whapped some a the names right outta my skull. So after we all suit up we get devided into groups some a us have to invade some jerkwater country nobody likes called "Zandia" and some a us have to right away fight the New Teen Titans and some a us are put in "resserve" for later. Guess who gets put in resserve? You got it and Im thinkin GREAT no bonus for me but then MORE super guys attack only these ones are EVIL. So General Sal says "Sic em."



Evil guys dont play fair (and I should know) so I right away I know we are royally screwed. Clubber plows into this German guy who looks like the time Manny Jr. ate too much cotton candy and yakked it back up onto that quilt your Gramma made you and the German guy MELTS him. Just like that. Oh and by the way I cant help but notice one a the other groups appairently beat the Titans cause now the Titans are in a big Popamatick bubble deal being turned into cavemen altho I couldunt tell right away at first I thought maybe they were all just Italian or somethin.



Anyway like one second after Clubber bites it this freaky chick with big weird calligraffy eyebrows puts a whammy on Two-Tone and Winks and me too a little bit only I wasnt really paying attenshun to her so it didnt work too good on me like everybodys arms start to look like snakes and Im thinking "That aint right" so I shake it off but Ill tell you what Two-Tone and Winks sure got a load of it. The poor dumb shmoes start shooting at eachother like theres no tommorrow and they even wing me in the arm and the cassette drive whirs and the video screen prints out LEFT GUN MALFUNKSHUN and then Winks nails Two-Tone point-blank in the chest and then he turns on ME so what am I gonna do? I got no choice right? I gotta shoot Winks right in the head. And the hole time Im thinking of '66 when he got my back in that barfight we had with Ding Dong Daddys gang but now it was every man for hisself.



So the freaky chick dont do nothing after that she just stands there looking all proud a herself or maybe shes thinking up more stupid ways to drawn on her eyebrows so Freebie and Smitty and oh yeah this guy Id just met before named Sluggo we charge at this French guy whos in a fruity gold number and his head looks like its coming outta a lobsters ASS and Im praying to God his superpowers are as lame as he looks so of course he wiggles his fingers and the four a us are in SPACE. Yeah I know. WHAT THE FUCK. The visor starts to frost up and I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop right outta my skull and I can see the other three just floating away but I was last and I reach out for whatever I can and by pure dumb luck I grab the edge a the hole Frenchie made and its SOLID. So I pull myself back thru into Earth again and hightail it for the exits cause contract or no contract Id had enuff of THAT shit. And the video screen is saying JYROSCPICK COMPENSATERS MALFUNKSHUNING and Im bumping into shit left and right but the hell with it I just want out. Oh and at this point the Titans had freed theirselfs so I have to worry about dodjing THEIR sorry asses. But whaddaya know I make it outside free and clear so guess what happens next. No GUESS.



That one Black Titan Cy Berg or what have you I guess hes Jewish like Sammy Davis Jr. is hanging off a the floating headquarters by one a his stupid Inspecter Gadjet arms and Im heading strate for him cause I cant mannoover too good no more and this OTHER sunuvabitch who they tell me later is Whitey the guy who got me INTO this mess is ALSO heading strate for him from the other direckshun and then ZOOP! Cy Berg yanks hisself up and we crash and the suit blows me to Kingdom Come and by Kingdom Come I mean France.

I wake up in a hospitle bed in prison and its worse than reglar prison cause its FRENCH PRISON and it smells like garlic and everybodys all snooty just cause I cant speak France and they alla them smoke like ALL THE TIME even when their showering I dont know how they do it. Also I been having them dreams again where Im that guy on that other Earth. The last one was the weerdest I was in a supervillain PARADE and it ended with me going to jail which is appropreeate.

So thats all the news. Take care and dont forget to jot down my new address and also if you can make me some snickerdooduls. I gotta craving for some snickerdooduls.

Your loving husband,
Manny

Letter From A DC Henchman

Dear Glynda,

Hello from prison. How are you today? I am fine. Eckcept I been having them dreams again abbout living on another Earth where Im still in the henching game only my name is diffrent and there aint no Superman or Bat-Girl or nothing like that and insted the superheros are all WHINY and MEAN. And you are there too also Glynda but your name isnt the same ether and your a blond which dont look too good on you but Im thinking may be your sister put you up to it cause shes always pulling that kind of busybody crap no offence.

So this time I got braught in by Green Arrow and Speedy who dont even run too fast so I dont know WHY they call him that. And it was all going real good at first before everything went south on us so I'm kinda heartbroke about the hole thing. See instead of just being a henchman where theres some sort of main guy who tells you what to do all the time and treats you like crap and pays you peanuts I joined up with the "Shark Gang" which is more like a group type deal where we take turns being the leader only its not communism so dont be getting any ideas. And it was even going to be my turn this week can you beat THAT? Anyway. I knew this guy Robbie from when we both henched for Captain Cold and Robbie was already in the Shark Gang and he rememmberd that one time Flash made a tornadoe come outta his ass and it flung me into the Central City kiddie pool which is like the size of Hudson Bay and I didnt drown at ALL which made an impresshun on him I guess. So he invited me into the Shark Gang! It was a pretty sweet deal all things considered since the costumes were comfterbul and easy to wear and you know how the shoe salemens always say I got a "high instep" whatever the hell THAT is and its real hard to find shoes that fit me but the boots and flippers and stuff I got to wear just fit like a glove and were real comfy plus I got to put on a green see-thru shark helmet which I wished I coulda kept cause it woulda made a swell Halloween mask at Halloween time but the policeman said no. Oh and the very best part of all was I got to drive around on a shark-mobile which goes underwater at about ninedy miles per hour oh Glynda it was the BEST.



So youd think we were set for life since the only heros in town were Green Arrow and Speedy and what the hell could THEY do underwater? We made our haul and got away from them lickety split but then HALF A DAY later those crumb bums show up AGAIN only now theyre all in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine... A YELLOW SUBMARINE! And to top it off they got these cross bow deals like for harpooning DOLFINS or whatever and so it was "here I go again" once they started coming at us with the fancy gimick weapens.



First they shoot a cloud of ink or something at us and its probably honest to God octapus ink like harvested from the ink udders of ACKTUAL OCTAPUS and its worth like fifty gazillyun dollars if they got the dough to just haul out a blasted SUBMARINE at the drop of a hat. And just when I wrapped my brain around THAT they blind everybody with some kinda glow-worm arrow and everything is a white hazy blur but I can still see the gas gage on the shark-mobile dashboard jerk from "full" to "empty" cause even tho it looks sleek as all get out its really a peice of CRAP like probably made in HONG KONG for a dollar each for all I know so I tell Robbie on the speshul underwater radio mike that we need to turn sharktail and make a run for it and I hope the radio dont fall apart TOO like the shark-mobile is falling apart and THEN of course some NEW crap comes shooting out of the ink cloud. Guess what it was. No GUESS.



GLUE. So now the shark-mobile is all gummed up and Im sinking like a stone and I get my feet outta the stirrups but one of my boots comes off and a sunfish comes along and BITES my foot which Im thinking cant be a co-incidense like maybe Aquaman is hiding behind a rock or something and laughing his ass off but I shrug it off and swim up to the surface and as Im doing that I see the guys on the boat snagged Green Arrow and Speedy with these big ole fish hooks so Im thinking now everythings going to turn out great you know? But by the time I crawl up on the boat Green Arrow and Speedy have zonked everybody out with elecktricity and Jo-Jo is layed out on the deck with this huge welt on his face and Clancy is twitching and jerking like one of those new dance crazes the kids like so much only his eyes are closed so I knew something was wrong and Im pretty sure Dugan's HEART had STOPPED but I dont think Green Arrow and Speedy have noticed or maybe they don't care cause theyre all busy pumping theyr fists and saying "Woo!" and "Yeah!" and theyre belly-bumping eachother and then Green Arrow goes into this crazy dance thing where hes doing the DUCK WALK like hes Chuck Goddam BERRY and its just INSANE. And then finally the coast guard shows up and they take everybody whose still ALIVE back to jail and Dugan and Clancy are packed off to the morg and so now Im writing you this letter.

So its same old same old for me I guess eckcept for those dreams I just tole you about. Oh and also that one dream I have where Im Superman and I find the great big strawberry dackery but you already know about that one.



Please take care of yourself while Im gone and Ill get out of here as soon as I can.

Your loving husband,
Manny