Puttin' on the Ritz

Busy day today, so I'm going to turn the fashion criticism over to some other nancy. Take it away, Miss Ritz!

What the--?! Aw, now you've gone too far! Don't give me that look. Listen, little missy, I happen to know for a fact that you've made some pretty tragic fashion decisions yourself. Exhibit A:

In a desperate bid to impress that cute teacher (not that I blame you) you tarted yourself up like a cheap French whore. And that Lilt home perm is out of control. (Or is it a Jheri curl?) Why don't you just marry Jim Baker and get it over with? And now for Exhibit B:

Yeah, I think I saw this look on one of the Olsen twins. And Courtney Love wore this ensemble to a custody hearing. That's mighty poor company, Ritz. So how dare you presume to judge one of the most important cultural icons of the 1970's and 1980's? HOW DARE YOU?!!

Great, now I'm in a saliva-frothing rage. Time to go Christmas shopping!

!emutsoc ykcus a em eviG

I have to admit I'm not really thrilled with how my Night Girl costume design turned out. I might have to try again. With something skimpier. And maybe a poncho or something for when she's surprised by sudden sunrises or whatever. Oh, and while we're on the subject of superheroines with butt-ugly costumes, how 'bout that Zatanna? "Secret Origins" #27 (June 1988) showcased all of 'em! And more! Let's start with what she likes to wear for investigating spooky French castles in the rain.

It's an interesting look for her: the top half is suitable for the local Christmas pageant, while the bottom half is perfect for servicing a muff-diving crack addict. Although the fumes would indicate some serious douching is in order.

And here's Zatanna in action, sort of, wearing her "classic" costume with the top hat and the fishnets. Because nothing screams "superheroics" like dressing as a cocktail waitress. It's not bad, I suppose, but I think it looks better without the top hat. Top hat + long hair = Gary Oldman in "Bram Stoker's Dracula." In other words, it looks ridiculous. Next!

Zatanna is all smiles after getting the Justice League's mandatory breast augmentation and lobotomy. My problem with this one is the ponytail. It's too youthful. I hate it when grown women put their hair up like that with the intent of looking sexy. I'm aware I'm not exactly their target audience, but still. I suppose she had to do something with her hair to keep it out of that monstrous collar she's wearing but really, anything would have been better that that. Hey, why not a beehive? (Kidding.) I wonder if this costume change came about because Black Canary was on the team back then, and they were afraid of having two women on a superteam dressed like hookers. These days that kind of thing isn't so much of a concern, is it, Chuck Austen?

Ah, the Cootie Hat Era. You know a costume is hideous when your body would rather self-destruct than be seen wearing it. (It happens. I once bought a pair of zip-up ostrich skin boots dyed cornflower blue, and they caused me to lose a toe. True story. Although it may have been due to poor circulation.) But enough of the past! This story introduced what was intended to be Zatanna's new, permanent costume, for ever and ever and ever. Ready? *plays opening chords of "The Final Countdown" on a synthesizer*

Ya duhn da duhn-da-dah! Slacks! Didn't last too long, did it? The fanboy fetish for superheroine skin torpedoed this modest little number. Of course, the fact that it made her look like a vampiric theater usher may also have had something to do with it. Personally, I love the cape, but that's about it. And that yellow vest is ridiculous. Bah! Bah, I say to you now.

Hey, bonus panel!

Rrrowr! You wouldn't think anybody could look like a badass in a jinglebell hat (with a feather!) but I'll be darned if Cagliostro didn't pull it off. Hell, he's rocking that jinglebell hat! I mean, I always figured Cagliostro was a pimp, but goddamn. He can read my palm, anytime!

Legion of Substitute Costumes: Night Girl

Night Girl has super-strength but only in the absence of sunlight. So it's no wonder the Legion of Super-Heroes rejected her.

Her costume isn't any great shakes, either. Sure, it has a certain Beatnik/Goth quality, what with all the black and such. But it's mainly a slab of one solid color with a timidly small owl symbol on the chest. And then there's the hair. It's inspired great men to write odes to it, but in my opinion it's hideous. Something needs to be done. Oh, I wouldn't dare cut it -- that would only make it mad! But maybe it could be arranged more attractively. So here's how I would style Night Girl...

...starry, starry Night Girl. I went with this Van Gogh-inspired pattern for the fabric. And because it's so loud busy eyecatching, I made the silhouette very simple. No distracting cut-outs or ruffles or anything. I tied all of Night Girl's magnificent hair back into a chignon, incorporating a matching scarf of the same fabric. I think it makes her look the Greeks of old (you know which ones I mean).

It's a Vandal, It's an Outrage

What the--?! I leave Jeremy alone with the computer for two days while I enjoy a ski vacation with Travis Morgan and the blog goes to hell in a freaking handbasket. Bah, humbug! Well, that's it. I was going to share a costume redesign with you all today but my nerves are just too jangled. It will have to wait until Monday. (It's for Night Girl. I would have done something before now but to be frank I'm terrified of her hair.) So instead, enjoy my description of a DC Universe teenage-themed humor comic from Earth-Riverdale.

In late 1968, DC decided to combine the concepts of "Leave It to Binky" and "Anthro" into a new book. The result? "Ramble with Vandal," featuring Vandal Savage, an immortal Cro-Magnon teen misadventuring through the swinging 60's. Although drawn in a derivative "Archie Comics" style, Vandal lacked the girl-friendly boyishness of Archie Andrews and his clones. In fact, he was intensely hirstute -- a fact that was mined for many a gag. At least once an issue, his bushy black beard would be shaved off by an authority figure or a conniving girlfriend. In the very next panel an identical beard would instantly grow to take its place. (This was typically accompanied by the sound effect "SPROING!") Vandal differed from Archie in another significant way: he had no moral compass whatsoever. Beneath his friendly facade, he was as treacherous and as self-serving as Reggie Mantle, as brutish as Moose Mason, as voracious as Jughead Jones, and as calculating as Dilton Doily.

A typical plot had Vandal leading a protest march on his high school campus, taking over the cafeteria building, and from there proceeding to take over the entire school. After making a series of increasingly ridiculous demands, his movement fell apart when everyone else got bored. A self-effacing joke and a shit-eating grin was all it took to win over the principal and avoid detention. The last panel showed the principal's secretary mussing Vandal's mop of hair and shrugging, "That's Our Vandal!"

Archie may have been torn between the affections of Veronica and Betty, but Vandal steadily gathered a veritable harem of admirers. A girl introduced and dated in one issue would show up in the following issue as part of Vandal's entourage, smiling and cooing and making googoo eyes at him. This process continued until all of his male hangers-on had been replaced by former dates. Vandal had enough girlfriends by the book's twentieth issue that it could feature a story titled "Vandal's Dodecatuple Date!" In that book-length tale, Vandal schemed to divide a single night among twelve different girls at twelve different locations, without having to pay for anything himself.

The book lasted into the mid-70's, although in its last few years it was converted into a horror anthology, "Vandal's Creepy Conundrums." Vandal stayed on in the role of "Your hairy host, Vandal the Savage" but he was restricted to appearing in only the first and the last panel of each story.

More fun facts about "Ramble With Vandal":

• Charles Manson has cited the book as "a major inspiration."
• So has Bill Clinton.
• In 1969, Dennis Hopper made an unauthorized film adaptation of the comic, titled "Savage Rder." Starring in the title role: Richard Kiel.
• In 1971, Richard Nixon called the comic "a key source of the moral decay that plagues our once-great nation."
• In 1990, this sentiment was echoed at a press conference by Vice-President Dan Quayle. The diminutive politico seemed extremely put-out when a TV reporter explained that it hadn't been published in sixteen years.
• Perhaps inspired by Quayle's reference, cartoonist Phil Foglio wrote and drew a four-issue revival of "Ramble with Vandal" which saw publication in 1992. That book showed Savage working as a "tenured radical" professor on a small-town college campus. When a wily teenage student named "Scandal" inexplicably foils his various schemes, Vandal is driven into a comical rage. In the last issue, he becomes so exasperated with the young woman that he ends up in the campus bell tower, aiming at her with a sniper rifle. Suddenly he gets a phone call -- the private detective he'd hired to "dig up dirt" on Scandal has made a shocking discovery! It turns out that Scandal is Vandal's long-lost daughter! He shoots anyway.
• In Neil Gaiman's "Sandman," Vandal owns the Dreaming's most intimidating mansion, which he calls "the Chateau of Savagery." Vandal muscled out the home's original owner, Cain, and relegated him to the somewhat less-imposing Poolhouse of Mystery.
• To unlock Vandal as a playable character in the Playstation 1 game "Atari Vs. DC," press up-arrow, down-arrow, square, square, left-arrow, triangle. Vandal has superior resistance to psionic attacks and his melee weapon is an uprooted tree trunk.
• Vandal served as Lex Luthor's Secretary of Education.
• In 2002, the Bloodhound Gang recorded the song "Vandal Savage" with lyrics that consisted entirely of quotes from Vandal's comic book appearances, arranged in rhyming couplets. An example: "That groovy chick's bikini blows my mind/I'll be the ruler over all mankind."
• Vandal was a guest villain in the fifth season of the popular CW series "Leesburg." The episode, titled "The Savage Partytime," featured him as a mummified museum exhibit brought back to life via Kryptonite by Linda Danvers' rival, Lena Luthor. Once revived, Vandal discovers he has the ability to project his savage impulses onto others. Luthor uses him in a plot to turn a local squaredance into a bloody riot with the hopes of destroying Danvers once and for all. He was played by Adam Goldberg.

*Edited around 11:20 AM to change the name of the comic from my original, crappier idea: "Vibrate with Vandal." Ugh. I know. I was trying to do a spin on "Swing with Scooter" and I couldn't for the life of me figure out an appropriate verb that started with a "V." I don't know why I settled on "vibrate." It must have been timebubblelag.

Once Again, You're Welcome

'Sup, daddios and dudettes? (Oh, I'm the unparalleled master of your ridiculous 21st Century slang!) It's me! Remember? No? C'mon! It's Storm Boy! Remember? I'm Blockade Boy's handsomer, more talented, infinitely less hairy rival! Oh, that's right. I changed up my look from last time. Before, I had brown hair and a fu-manchu with a soulpatch, and some way-out sunglasses. So now I have gorgeous red hair and some sweet-ass "S"-shaped muttonchops plus a bigger soulpatch. And goggles! I dreamed up the great idea to push them up on my forehead. Isn't it cool?

Anyway? I just wanted to let you all know about my latest costume redesign. It's for Star Sapphire! Let's take a look at the "before."

Ya-awn! Bor-ing! There is not nearly enough cleavage exposed. What is she, a nun? Yipes stripes! (21st century slang!) She needs my help!

Therrrrrrrre we go. My fabric choice? Sherwin-Williams "Orchid Fantasy" hi-gloss housepaint. Yup, this ensemble is quite literally "painted on." I skillfully blended the painted areas with a few accessories like the high-heeled sandals. Plus, the collar and the tiara? Is made from some rusted-out hunks of tin siding. Economical! Bottom line: I think this is much more flattering on her body. And? It features one of my signature motifs: pointiness!

*waves away your resounding applause* You're welcome.

The Hundred Acre Would-Have-Been

Alex Ross recenly cracked the internet in half (or at least dented it) with a comment about Geoff Johns putting Obsidian in the JSA to keep other writers from "molesting" him. Since the only writer to do anything of note to Obsidian in the last few years was Marc Andreyko, and since Marc made Obsidian a gay man in a healthy relationship with his boyfriend, Ross' use of the word "molesting" makes him come off as a complete tool. Not as much of a tool as other comic book artist loudmouths like John Byrne or Ethan Van Sciver, but still--! What irks me about his comment almost as much as the barely-concealed homophobia is the very notion that Geoff Johns doesn't molest characters! In his last JSA run, Johns made Obsidian a crazy supervillain, and after having his dad put him in his place, made him a pathetic, anemic character who only ever appeared on panel to look contrite. Among Johns' other accomplishments: making Nuklon/Atom Smasher an angst-ridden murderer.

Admittedly, Nuklon and Obsidian weren't great characters to start out with. But there was a writer between their creator Roy Thomas and their ruiner Geoff Johns who found a great angle on both of them. And that was Gerard Jones in the pages of "Justice League America" circa 1994-1995. And his angle was to write the duo as Tigger and Eyore. Er, Nuklon being "Tigger" of course.

Ignoring for a moment Fire, who is quite literally "horning" in on the couple with a scheme to seduce Nuklon, this is a great capsule look at the two heroes. This is in "Justice League America" #0 (October 1994) and it was my first real exposure to Nuklon and Obsidian. And I loved them. You can see here that Nuklon's costume has been cleaned up and streamlined. It's no longer covered with that weird black bubbly trim that was all over the place. His stupid Rambo headband is gone, and the laughable mohawk has been grown out and tied into a ponytail. Hey, it was the 90's. Alright, so the hair is still a bit goofy but at least he doesn't look like some middle-aged man's idea of a punk rocker. (Nuklon as a "punk" was about on-the-money as Ernie Bushmiller's idea of a hippie.) But I can buy this as a hairstyle the cornfed young Nuklon might wear. I've seen it on plenty of teenagers in the Midwest, especially back around that time. So it's plausible for a guy who wants to be kind-of hip. But isn't. Still better than that goofball wrestler mask, Alex Ross. Note also the posture. Hands on the hips, good old-fashioned happy hero stuff. (Which is probably punishable by death under the current Dan Didio regime.) By contrast, there's Obsidian... with a tummy ache. Aw! Sadly, Obisidian is right about there being a punchline in his future, and the joke's author would be Geoff Johns. Grrr....

Here's the duo in action, bantering like a classic comedy team. (From "Justice League America" #94, December 1994.) Obsidian is a pessimist, sure, but he's a witty pessimist, which is what makes it tolerable. And while Nuklon's relentless optimism might be grating to some, he's also a true pal and a constant booster for his friend. Now, let's see how they work with other characters in the book.

Holy shit... Nuklon is the Tick! Just imagine... Ben Edlund on a Nuklon/Obsidian series. What a missed opportunity! Nuklon, who can't even bring himself to cuss, spends a lot of time fighting off Fire's advances in "Justice League America" #95 (January 1995). As she presses her boobalicious form against his slab-like body, Nuklon asks Fire to do a favor for him: "Could you please zip up your clothes?" Heh.

Also in that issue, Obsidian's sad-sack routine works equally as well with a different foil. The foil in this case is the Crimson Fox. Which might be a clue as to why the book tanked and was replaced with the Grant Morrison all-star version. Ah, well. The only real shame here is that Nuklon and Obsidian were split up and put in the hands of writers whose personalities (for the most part) were more like Obsidian's and less like Nuklon's.

At Last, A Santa Claus I Could Really Get Behind

As part of my continuing effort to make this blog your one-stop homoerotic Santa Claus headquarters, I'd like to present some panels from "Gumby's Winter Fun Special" #1 (Comico, December 1988). Author Steve Purcell and artist Art Adams tore the facade right off the Santa Claus mystique and revealed that the fat, jolly man is neither as fat nor as jolly as previously indicated.

Still, I think he'll do. He'll do just fine.

Turns out ol' Kris Kringle is more of a sailor-type. Check out the sweet anchor tattoo! Also his real name is "Ray Crabbe" but I'm choosing to ignore that part.

Better yet, Santa is a total bad-ass. He's not the morose whiner from "The Year Without A Santa Claus" or the irritating bumbler from all those godawful "Santa Clause" movies. Nope! He's an action hero, pure and simple.

Aw, yeah! So, Santa, you've escaped from hell itself and saved Christmas once again. What should we do now?

Aye aye, Santa. Aye, aye.

Nice Day For A White (Supremacist) Wedding

In "The Invaders" #20 (September 1977) we get to see the attempted wedding of Master Man and Warrior Woman.

The groom is in his Captain Nazi rip-off costume, while the bride is wearing... GA-GA-GOING!!! Check out the shoulders on that lady! You know, if it wasn't for the breasts and the general hairlessness and the lack of a penis and the whole Nazi thing, I'd be all over that. (Admittedly, my standards aren't that high.)

This may seem strange to the young'uns in the audience, but a superpowered woman in a straight-up dominatrix costume was actually quite startling in 1977. No, for reals. Of course she's a baddie so she can't be too sexy. She's saddled by that Mrs. Olsen hair and those non-feminine shoulders. But still. The costume itself? Titilating, I suppose. I don't like the random belt on the thigh, although I respect the fact that she didn't dick around with some narrow strappy thing. Naw, that's regulation redneck-width! All it needs is a belt buckle shaped like a cow skull. On the plus side is her fortified bustier. The single shoulder strap may not be aesthetically pleasing but at least it's more practical than that goofy boobs-a-poppin' number Wonder Woman likes to wear. (It also wouldn't surprise me to learn that Warrior Woman wears a cup.)

Oh, and Master Man can't figure out that the lady with the severe hairstyle and the linebacker shoulders isn't into him? Nazis: not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

Well, let's see how things are going at the reception.

Yikes. Er, let's skip ahead to the next issue and see what's happening with Dyna-Mite (you heard me).

Yeah, Dyna-Mite never takes care of what's going on "down below." Don't get me wrong; he's eager enough, he's just not terribly thorough. Although I appreciate that he's wearing one of my designs. The l'il cutie.

Insane Crown Bossy

Yesterday I gave you all a glimpse of the King, the crimeboss who employed the Queen Bee.

All the other men in the room were totally grooving on the curvy young woman in the bee costume yet "somehow" it didn't affect him. "Somehow"...! Whatever! It's because you're gay, King. Just like I knew I was gay when the sight of Teri Hatcher in a restored holo-recording of "Soapdish" had no effect on me, and also because of all the guys I was boning.

Viewed from a distance, the King's hairstyle might be mistaken for a merely wind-blown coif, or perhaps one with a modest set of hair-horns, like Cain's or Damon Hellstrom's. Ah, but it's so much more extravagant!

Now that, my friends, is a supervillain hair-do. Bravo, King! His henchmen are lined up outside his one bathroom doing the pee-pee dance for hours every morning while their liege primps and preens. The King probably measures each spike to ensure that they're all the exact same height. I bet he fantasizes about somehow weaving actual jewels into his hair to carry the illusion of a crown even further, and then he dismisses the idea because it would look too queer even for him and then he sits down on the edge of the tub and just feels depressed for a while. No doubt he's in a supervillain baseball league, and his batting helmet has holes drilled in it so his hair won't get ruined. And when he dozes off at strategy meetings in his crappy rented throne, the henchmen all take turns using his hair to skewer various items, like inter-mob memos and slices of processed cheese.

The good guys in the "Missing Man" story all have normal haircuts, with the exception of the title character.

"Syd Mane"?! Oh, it's his stylist.

That's not an artfully-arranged forelock. That peculiar curl is sprouting from the very top of what passes for the Missing Man's head. An unfortuate choice, since it makes his mostly-theoretical noggin resemble a tomato, or perhaps a "do not disturb" sign. I will give the Missing Man credit for the cleanliness of its shape. Not a hair out of place! Assuming the Missing Man even has hair. I'd love to know his secret (so I can steal it!) but since he's a Steve Ditko character I can only assume it involves a clunky belt or other high-tech device, a mysterious unnamed energy source, and the sound effect "FWAASSHH!" In which case, forget it. Because that is so not my style.

Putting The "Oof!" In "Bouffant"

My pal Scipio has often written about the most terrifying beehive hair-do in all the known universe... Night Girl's. I believe I have discovered its gentler, yet no less powerful counterpart. The Venus to its Mars. (Or the Mumm-Rana to its Mumm-Ra if you're a spaztastic dorkatron.) Behold... the bouffant of the Queen Bee! (From the "Missing Man" feature in "Pacific Presents" #1, October 1982.) It hums!

Sure, people may try to convince you that it's actually the Queen Bee herself who is humming, but I have it on good authority that the intoxicating humming sounds emit from the immaculately-arranged strands of her bouffant. And how are you going to prove me wrong? Her lips never move! But I digress. Here's how it works: the heavenly melody is teased from the individual follicles by the slightest air current, just like the wind whistling through high-tension wires. Only the King can resist the bouffant's charms, and that's because his own spiky hair creates a counter-frequency. (Duh. It's science.)

But the Queen Bee's bouffant isn't just a musician. It can also act! Let's look at some of its many moods.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is pensive and mysterious.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is high-strung and easily startled. Especially when someone mentions honey.

The Queen Bee's bouffant weeps openly and it doesn't care who sees it.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is capable of delivering a soliloquy from a Lifetime Original Movie.

In short, the Queen Bee's bouffant doesn't demand your respect. But then, it doesn't have to. It beckons you to your destruction with its siren song, and like Odysseus, you have to lash yourself to a mast or be smashed against the rocks.

Long live the Queen Bee's bouffant!

Magenta Beach Towels Are The New Black

In "Eternals" #5 (December 2006) Ikaris and Thena are so dynamically wonderful that they can barely be bothered with disguises. Ikaris chose a brown trenchcoat, which is the best thing to wear when you want to send the subtle message "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M INCOGNITO!!!" (These garments are normally accessorized with a humongous "Spy Vs. Spy" sun hat, itself a great attention-getter since nobody in their right mind ever wears one.) Better yet, Ikaris didn't even bother buttoning the coat. Naw, he's rockin' it Gambit-style. But Thena has one-upped the levitating Lothario by simply draping a beach towel over her head!

Here are some other disguises Thena considered:
1. Groucho glasses
2. A sauce pan with two eyeholes drilled into it
3. Rainbow wig
4. Dr. Who scarf
5. Indian chief headdress
6. Hammer pants
7. Big foam cowboy hat
8. Hula skirt and coconut bra
9. Exact same suit of armor, only in bronze
10. Admiral's hat, made out of a strategically-folded newspaper
11. Oversized papier-mache version of her own head, like they wear at Carnival time
12. Romper Stompers
13. Rubber Frankenstein mask
14. Lee press-on nails
15. Those headband deals with the antennae on them, usually they end in big plastic stars or something and they kind of bobble around because they're on springs, you might see them at a little girl's birthday party, I don't know what they're called
16. Hotpants
17. Top hat and cane
18. Milk mustache
19. The front half of a pantomime horse costume (and Ikaris gets the back half)
20. "Frankie Say Relax" t-shirt

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess

I honestly did not think my Stone Boy redesign would gross out so many people. Which says more about my ability to read a room than anything else. I inked the body hair last, and for a second I considered just leaving the guy hairless. And then I glanced down at my hairy inner thighs and decided, "screw it." But I swear by all that's fashionable that I didn't set out to make it look like fetish wear. Honest and for true. And then I read the comments and I thought "Aw, shit. They're really gonna hate my Mess redesign because it looks like a fucking gimp costume." Oh well, huh? Let's go!

The Mess was rejected for Legion membership for obvious reasons. He's essentially Super-Pigpen. And if you don't get that reference, try this: he's essentially Super-Puck-From-"The Real World: London." And if you don't get that reference, you're way too young to be even reading this blog. And get the hell off my lawn! Anyway. To bottom-line it? He's gross.

Here's what I'd do with him:

My idea? Wrap the smelly l'il fucker up in a garbage sack --er, I mean, "containment suit." It would have a big vertical seam (zippered, or maybe it would use ZipLoc technology.)

I made the suit black and shiny because it's supposed to evoke a trash bag, and because I wanted to emphasize the silhouette. It's all based around the pointy, drooping cowl. Kind of like executioners would wear. And not gimps! Nope! The pointy shape is mirrored in the Swamp Thing cut-out for the mouth. The yellow goggles and the boot trim provide a respite from all the black.

I figure The Mess could keep the suit sealed up most of the time, marinating in his own funk, and then in battle he could open it now and then to paralyze his foes with whiffs of devestating stank. And assuming he's on the level about having superpowers, I bet he could practice with them until he became a black hole for garbage -- kind of like a matter-specific Chunk. He'd at least be useful for rescue missions, like finding civilians who are buried under rubble. Legion-worthy? Oh, hell no. Useful? Yup!

So keep on stinkin', The Mess. I'm sure you're good for something.

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Stone Boy

Like Polar Boy, Legion rejectee Stone Boy had complete control over his powers. Unlike Polar Boy, Stone Boy's power was almost completely useless. Except for providing a decoy target for really stupid armies.

"Seed storehouse"?! It's called a sperm bank you bumpkin! Grow the hell up already! Christ. But my rage, it's distracing me from the matter at hand: Stone Boy's costume. Stone Boy's horrendously ugly costume. Not that I blame Stone Boy himself, mind you. I figure his mom made it for him.

Y'see, Stone Mom was about to throw out that bolt of orange spandex she'd found in a dumpster behind the fabric store, when suddenly she got an idea! Also, check out paunchy Stone Dad in the background. (Special guest star: Gordon Jump!) So by the looks of things, not only will Stone Boy never be admitted to the Legion of Super-Heroes, he's also going to go bald one day. Glad I'm not him. *casually runs a hand through my lush, beautiful hair*

But don't think I'm an unsympathetic bastard! Naw, I'm a sympathetic bastard! I came up with a more handsome look for the guy, and a better idea on how he can use his powers. See, all he needs to do is go to the top of a steep slope, wait for a bad guy to show up, crouch into a ball, turn into stone, and VOILA!

I gave him some padded body armor for when he's not using his "will-force" to turn himself to stone (hey, I can do that too, sort of) and I used the shape of the pads to design a logo for him. It's a stylized "S" and "B." Because your old Earth alphabet looks so much better than Interlac. The cropped hair and stubble is a nice tough look for him, and along with his deliciously excessive body hair, it provides a textural contrast with the armor. Which is why I left so many holes in it. What?! He can turn to stone; what the hell would he need body armor for? Oh, now I'm confused. What was I talking about?

Tomorrow: Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess!