Once Again, You're Welcome

'Sup, daddios and dudettes? (Oh, I'm the unparalleled master of your ridiculous 21st Century slang!) It's me! Remember? No? C'mon! It's Storm Boy! Remember? I'm Blockade Boy's handsomer, more talented, infinitely less hairy rival! Oh, that's right. I changed up my look from last time. Before, I had brown hair and a fu-manchu with a soulpatch, and some way-out sunglasses. So now I have gorgeous red hair and some sweet-ass "S"-shaped muttonchops plus a bigger soulpatch. And goggles! I dreamed up the great idea to push them up on my forehead. Isn't it cool?

Anyway? I just wanted to let you all know about my latest costume redesign. It's for Star Sapphire! Let's take a look at the "before."

Ya-awn! Bor-ing! There is not nearly enough cleavage exposed. What is she, a nun? Yipes stripes! (21st century slang!) She needs my help!

Therrrrrrrre we go. My fabric choice? Sherwin-Williams "Orchid Fantasy" hi-gloss housepaint. Yup, this ensemble is quite literally "painted on." I skillfully blended the painted areas with a few accessories like the high-heeled sandals. Plus, the collar and the tiara? Is made from some rusted-out hunks of tin siding. Economical! Bottom line: I think this is much more flattering on her body. And? It features one of my signature motifs: pointiness!

*waves away your resounding applause* You're welcome.

The Hundred Acre Would-Have-Been

Alex Ross recenly cracked the internet in half (or at least dented it) with a comment about Geoff Johns putting Obsidian in the JSA to keep other writers from "molesting" him. Since the only writer to do anything of note to Obsidian in the last few years was Marc Andreyko, and since Marc made Obsidian a gay man in a healthy relationship with his boyfriend, Ross' use of the word "molesting" makes him come off as a complete tool. Not as much of a tool as other comic book artist loudmouths like John Byrne or Ethan Van Sciver, but still--! What irks me about his comment almost as much as the barely-concealed homophobia is the very notion that Geoff Johns doesn't molest characters! In his last JSA run, Johns made Obsidian a crazy supervillain, and after having his dad put him in his place, made him a pathetic, anemic character who only ever appeared on panel to look contrite. Among Johns' other accomplishments: making Nuklon/Atom Smasher an angst-ridden murderer.

Admittedly, Nuklon and Obsidian weren't great characters to start out with. But there was a writer between their creator Roy Thomas and their ruiner Geoff Johns who found a great angle on both of them. And that was Gerard Jones in the pages of "Justice League America" circa 1994-1995. And his angle was to write the duo as Tigger and Eyore. Er, Nuklon being "Tigger" of course.

Ignoring for a moment Fire, who is quite literally "horning" in on the couple with a scheme to seduce Nuklon, this is a great capsule look at the two heroes. This is in "Justice League America" #0 (October 1994) and it was my first real exposure to Nuklon and Obsidian. And I loved them. You can see here that Nuklon's costume has been cleaned up and streamlined. It's no longer covered with that weird black bubbly trim that was all over the place. His stupid Rambo headband is gone, and the laughable mohawk has been grown out and tied into a ponytail. Hey, it was the 90's. Alright, so the hair is still a bit goofy but at least he doesn't look like some middle-aged man's idea of a punk rocker. (Nuklon as a "punk" was about on-the-money as Ernie Bushmiller's idea of a hippie.) But I can buy this as a hairstyle the cornfed young Nuklon might wear. I've seen it on plenty of teenagers in the Midwest, especially back around that time. So it's plausible for a guy who wants to be kind-of hip. But isn't. Still better than that goofball wrestler mask, Alex Ross. Note also the posture. Hands on the hips, good old-fashioned happy hero stuff. (Which is probably punishable by death under the current Dan Didio regime.) By contrast, there's Obsidian... with a tummy ache. Aw! Sadly, Obisidian is right about there being a punchline in his future, and the joke's author would be Geoff Johns. Grrr....

Here's the duo in action, bantering like a classic comedy team. (From "Justice League America" #94, December 1994.) Obsidian is a pessimist, sure, but he's a witty pessimist, which is what makes it tolerable. And while Nuklon's relentless optimism might be grating to some, he's also a true pal and a constant booster for his friend. Now, let's see how they work with other characters in the book.

Holy shit... Nuklon is the Tick! Just imagine... Ben Edlund on a Nuklon/Obsidian series. What a missed opportunity! Nuklon, who can't even bring himself to cuss, spends a lot of time fighting off Fire's advances in "Justice League America" #95 (January 1995). As she presses her boobalicious form against his slab-like body, Nuklon asks Fire to do a favor for him: "Could you please zip up your clothes?" Heh.

Also in that issue, Obsidian's sad-sack routine works equally as well with a different foil. The foil in this case is the Crimson Fox. Which might be a clue as to why the book tanked and was replaced with the Grant Morrison all-star version. Ah, well. The only real shame here is that Nuklon and Obsidian were split up and put in the hands of writers whose personalities (for the most part) were more like Obsidian's and less like Nuklon's.

At Last, A Santa Claus I Could Really Get Behind

As part of my continuing effort to make this blog your one-stop homoerotic Santa Claus headquarters, I'd like to present some panels from "Gumby's Winter Fun Special" #1 (Comico, December 1988). Author Steve Purcell and artist Art Adams tore the facade right off the Santa Claus mystique and revealed that the fat, jolly man is neither as fat nor as jolly as previously indicated.

Still, I think he'll do. He'll do just fine.

Turns out ol' Kris Kringle is more of a sailor-type. Check out the sweet anchor tattoo! Also his real name is "Ray Crabbe" but I'm choosing to ignore that part.

Better yet, Santa is a total bad-ass. He's not the morose whiner from "The Year Without A Santa Claus" or the irritating bumbler from all those godawful "Santa Clause" movies. Nope! He's an action hero, pure and simple.

Aw, yeah! So, Santa, you've escaped from hell itself and saved Christmas once again. What should we do now?

Aye aye, Santa. Aye, aye.

Nice Day For A White (Supremacist) Wedding

In "The Invaders" #20 (September 1977) we get to see the attempted wedding of Master Man and Warrior Woman.

The groom is in his Captain Nazi rip-off costume, while the bride is wearing... GA-GA-GOING!!! Check out the shoulders on that lady! You know, if it wasn't for the breasts and the general hairlessness and the lack of a penis and the whole Nazi thing, I'd be all over that. (Admittedly, my standards aren't that high.)

This may seem strange to the young'uns in the audience, but a superpowered woman in a straight-up dominatrix costume was actually quite startling in 1977. No, for reals. Of course she's a baddie so she can't be too sexy. She's saddled by that Mrs. Olsen hair and those non-feminine shoulders. But still. The costume itself? Titilating, I suppose. I don't like the random belt on the thigh, although I respect the fact that she didn't dick around with some narrow strappy thing. Naw, that's regulation redneck-width! All it needs is a belt buckle shaped like a cow skull. On the plus side is her fortified bustier. The single shoulder strap may not be aesthetically pleasing but at least it's more practical than that goofy boobs-a-poppin' number Wonder Woman likes to wear. (It also wouldn't surprise me to learn that Warrior Woman wears a cup.)

Oh, and Master Man can't figure out that the lady with the severe hairstyle and the linebacker shoulders isn't into him? Nazis: not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

Well, let's see how things are going at the reception.

Yikes. Er, let's skip ahead to the next issue and see what's happening with Dyna-Mite (you heard me).

Yeah, Dyna-Mite never takes care of what's going on "down below." Don't get me wrong; he's eager enough, he's just not terribly thorough. Although I appreciate that he's wearing one of my designs. The l'il cutie.

Insane Crown Bossy

Yesterday I gave you all a glimpse of the King, the crimeboss who employed the Queen Bee.

All the other men in the room were totally grooving on the curvy young woman in the bee costume yet "somehow" it didn't affect him. "Somehow"...! Whatever! It's because you're gay, King. Just like I knew I was gay when the sight of Teri Hatcher in a restored holo-recording of "Soapdish" had no effect on me, and also because of all the guys I was boning.

Viewed from a distance, the King's hairstyle might be mistaken for a merely wind-blown coif, or perhaps one with a modest set of hair-horns, like Cain's or Damon Hellstrom's. Ah, but it's so much more extravagant!

Now that, my friends, is a supervillain hair-do. Bravo, King! His henchmen are lined up outside his one bathroom doing the pee-pee dance for hours every morning while their liege primps and preens. The King probably measures each spike to ensure that they're all the exact same height. I bet he fantasizes about somehow weaving actual jewels into his hair to carry the illusion of a crown even further, and then he dismisses the idea because it would look too queer even for him and then he sits down on the edge of the tub and just feels depressed for a while. No doubt he's in a supervillain baseball league, and his batting helmet has holes drilled in it so his hair won't get ruined. And when he dozes off at strategy meetings in his crappy rented throne, the henchmen all take turns using his hair to skewer various items, like inter-mob memos and slices of processed cheese.

The good guys in the "Missing Man" story all have normal haircuts, with the exception of the title character.

"Syd Mane"?! Oh, it's his stylist.

That's not an artfully-arranged forelock. That peculiar curl is sprouting from the very top of what passes for the Missing Man's head. An unfortuate choice, since it makes his mostly-theoretical noggin resemble a tomato, or perhaps a "do not disturb" sign. I will give the Missing Man credit for the cleanliness of its shape. Not a hair out of place! Assuming the Missing Man even has hair. I'd love to know his secret (so I can steal it!) but since he's a Steve Ditko character I can only assume it involves a clunky belt or other high-tech device, a mysterious unnamed energy source, and the sound effect "FWAASSHH!" In which case, forget it. Because that is so not my style.

Putting The "Oof!" In "Bouffant"

My pal Scipio has often written about the most terrifying beehive hair-do in all the known universe... Night Girl's. I believe I have discovered its gentler, yet no less powerful counterpart. The Venus to its Mars. (Or the Mumm-Rana to its Mumm-Ra if you're a spaztastic dorkatron.) Behold... the bouffant of the Queen Bee! (From the "Missing Man" feature in "Pacific Presents" #1, October 1982.) It hums!

Sure, people may try to convince you that it's actually the Queen Bee herself who is humming, but I have it on good authority that the intoxicating humming sounds emit from the immaculately-arranged strands of her bouffant. And how are you going to prove me wrong? Her lips never move! But I digress. Here's how it works: the heavenly melody is teased from the individual follicles by the slightest air current, just like the wind whistling through high-tension wires. Only the King can resist the bouffant's charms, and that's because his own spiky hair creates a counter-frequency. (Duh. It's science.)

But the Queen Bee's bouffant isn't just a musician. It can also act! Let's look at some of its many moods.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is pensive and mysterious.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is high-strung and easily startled. Especially when someone mentions honey.

The Queen Bee's bouffant weeps openly and it doesn't care who sees it.

The Queen Bee's bouffant is capable of delivering a soliloquy from a Lifetime Original Movie.

In short, the Queen Bee's bouffant doesn't demand your respect. But then, it doesn't have to. It beckons you to your destruction with its siren song, and like Odysseus, you have to lash yourself to a mast or be smashed against the rocks.

Long live the Queen Bee's bouffant!

Magenta Beach Towels Are The New Black

In "Eternals" #5 (December 2006) Ikaris and Thena are so dynamically wonderful that they can barely be bothered with disguises. Ikaris chose a brown trenchcoat, which is the best thing to wear when you want to send the subtle message "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M INCOGNITO!!!" (These garments are normally accessorized with a humongous "Spy Vs. Spy" sun hat, itself a great attention-getter since nobody in their right mind ever wears one.) Better yet, Ikaris didn't even bother buttoning the coat. Naw, he's rockin' it Gambit-style. But Thena has one-upped the levitating Lothario by simply draping a beach towel over her head!

Here are some other disguises Thena considered:
1. Groucho glasses
2. A sauce pan with two eyeholes drilled into it
3. Rainbow wig
4. Dr. Who scarf
5. Indian chief headdress
6. Hammer pants
7. Big foam cowboy hat
8. Hula skirt and coconut bra
9. Exact same suit of armor, only in bronze
10. Admiral's hat, made out of a strategically-folded newspaper
11. Oversized papier-mache version of her own head, like they wear at Carnival time
12. Romper Stompers
13. Rubber Frankenstein mask
14. Lee press-on nails
15. Those headband deals with the antennae on them, usually they end in big plastic stars or something and they kind of bobble around because they're on springs, you might see them at a little girl's birthday party, I don't know what they're called
16. Hotpants
17. Top hat and cane
18. Milk mustache
19. The front half of a pantomime horse costume (and Ikaris gets the back half)
20. "Frankie Say Relax" t-shirt

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess

I honestly did not think my Stone Boy redesign would gross out so many people. Which says more about my ability to read a room than anything else. I inked the body hair last, and for a second I considered just leaving the guy hairless. And then I glanced down at my hairy inner thighs and decided, "screw it." But I swear by all that's fashionable that I didn't set out to make it look like fetish wear. Honest and for true. And then I read the comments and I thought "Aw, shit. They're really gonna hate my Mess redesign because it looks like a fucking gimp costume." Oh well, huh? Let's go!

The Mess was rejected for Legion membership for obvious reasons. He's essentially Super-Pigpen. And if you don't get that reference, try this: he's essentially Super-Puck-From-"The Real World: London." And if you don't get that reference, you're way too young to be even reading this blog. And get the hell off my lawn! Anyway. To bottom-line it? He's gross.

Here's what I'd do with him:

My idea? Wrap the smelly l'il fucker up in a garbage sack --er, I mean, "containment suit." It would have a big vertical seam (zippered, or maybe it would use ZipLoc technology.)

I made the suit black and shiny because it's supposed to evoke a trash bag, and because I wanted to emphasize the silhouette. It's all based around the pointy, drooping cowl. Kind of like executioners would wear. And not gimps! Nope! The pointy shape is mirrored in the Swamp Thing cut-out for the mouth. The yellow goggles and the boot trim provide a respite from all the black.

I figure The Mess could keep the suit sealed up most of the time, marinating in his own funk, and then in battle he could open it now and then to paralyze his foes with whiffs of devestating stank. And assuming he's on the level about having superpowers, I bet he could practice with them until he became a black hole for garbage -- kind of like a matter-specific Chunk. He'd at least be useful for rescue missions, like finding civilians who are buried under rubble. Legion-worthy? Oh, hell no. Useful? Yup!

So keep on stinkin', The Mess. I'm sure you're good for something.

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Stone Boy

Like Polar Boy, Legion rejectee Stone Boy had complete control over his powers. Unlike Polar Boy, Stone Boy's power was almost completely useless. Except for providing a decoy target for really stupid armies.

"Seed storehouse"?! It's called a sperm bank you bumpkin! Grow the hell up already! Christ. But my rage, it's distracing me from the matter at hand: Stone Boy's costume. Stone Boy's horrendously ugly costume. Not that I blame Stone Boy himself, mind you. I figure his mom made it for him.

Y'see, Stone Mom was about to throw out that bolt of orange spandex she'd found in a dumpster behind the fabric store, when suddenly she got an idea! Also, check out paunchy Stone Dad in the background. (Special guest star: Gordon Jump!) So by the looks of things, not only will Stone Boy never be admitted to the Legion of Super-Heroes, he's also going to go bald one day. Glad I'm not him. *casually runs a hand through my lush, beautiful hair*

But don't think I'm an unsympathetic bastard! Naw, I'm a sympathetic bastard! I came up with a more handsome look for the guy, and a better idea on how he can use his powers. See, all he needs to do is go to the top of a steep slope, wait for a bad guy to show up, crouch into a ball, turn into stone, and VOILA!

I gave him some padded body armor for when he's not using his "will-force" to turn himself to stone (hey, I can do that too, sort of) and I used the shape of the pads to design a logo for him. It's a stylized "S" and "B." Because your old Earth alphabet looks so much better than Interlac. The cropped hair and stubble is a nice tough look for him, and along with his deliciously excessive body hair, it provides a textural contrast with the armor. Which is why I left so many holes in it. What?! He can turn to stone; what the hell would he need body armor for? Oh, now I'm confused. What was I talking about?

Tomorrow: Legion Of Substitute Costumes: The Mess!

Legion Of Substitute Costumes: Polar Boy

Brek "Polar Boy" Bannin didn't try out for the Legion of Super-Heroes on a whim. He was serious about joining, and he should have been a shoo-in. After all, his power of projecting super-cold was no less practical than the ability to project super-heat (Sun Boy), super-gravity (Star Boy) or super-weightlessness (Light Lass). And it's not like he couldn't control his powers (which is what sinks your typical Legion applicant)...

...which is what makes his rejection seem so cruel.

"So scram, Pee-wee!" This is exhibit "A" for my theory that the Legion is a bunch of clicque-y "cool kids" who use their try-outs to humiliate all the poindexters and wannabes. Er, not that I ever tried out myself, mind you. I'm too cool for that! (Ironic, no?)

Maybe the Legion would have cut him a break if he hadn't been a shrimpy kid in a stupid hat. Well, I can't help him with the "shrimpy" part but I bet I could devise a hipper costume for the determined l'il fella! Let's see... first we'll have to lose that hat... maybe brighten up the color scheme a bit... ditch the icicle motif... in fact, you know what? I'll even model it for you all! Why not? After all, both Brek and I have white hair (now). I'll have to shave my biker' stache, of course. But don't worry, I'll just grow it back and then use my time bubble to travel back to tomorrow so it'll be like nothing happened. Ready? *cues up techno music*

*struts into your home or office and strikes various "sexful" poses for a full minute in front of your desk or couch*

Who says super-folk with ice powers have to wear blue? Not me! I designed this look around a snowflake symbol, with a tantalizing cut-out on the chest... but see, the nipples are covered! I can be conservative! The only part where I used fur was the gloves. I think fur always contrasts nicely with geometric lines. To provide balance with the fur texture, I went with a bushy surfer haircut, which also looks kind of Scandanavian to me, so... bonus!

Tweed Christmas!

Yesterday, we looked at some of the gorgeous gowns from "Power Man & Iron Fist." Today it's the men's turn. Sure, we all know that the title characters' costumes look like finale outfits from "Dancing With The Stars." But what else do they like to wear?

Magnum, T.M.I.! Why, I'm enjoying watching you enjoying listening to Iron Fist enjoying himself, Power Man! I suppose the Hawaiian shirt looks okay, but to be honest I'm having trouble tearing my eyes away from his forearms. *Rrrowr!* The glasses add a hint of vulnerability. Although he'd look even more vulnerable if they were hornrims with tape on the bridge. And maybe the Hawaiian shirt should have a pocket protector. Still, well played, Power Man.

Uh-oh! Looks like some of these hooligans might have a little trouble Stayin' Alive! Iron Fist was just trying to drink A Fifth Of Beethoven but then some Jive Talkin' troublemaker had to go and ruin his good time. So Iron Fist put on his Boogie Shoes and Open Sesame! He goes all Calypso Breakdown on their asses.

...Sorry about that, but I didn't know any good Fantasy Island references.

Here, actor Bob "Dustin" Diamond gets his red-spandexed tail kicked by Colleen "Sometimes I Worry My Sleeves Aren't Voluminous Enough" Wing. Y'know, I want to like Bob, what with the sweet jade "tiger's foot" pendant and the lucious blonde VanDyke. The latter being kind of daring for 1981 -- I mean, who still wore a VanDyke back then? French Ambassadors and NASA technicians, that's who! In other words, LOSERS! So kudos for still rockin' it, Bob! Sadly, when those little touches are combined with the score from your hideous scarlet karate costume, you still end up with a negative total. My solution? Shirtlessness! (Of course, my solution is usually shirtlessness.)

As we've seen, the clothing budget for "Power Man & Iron Fist" is quite extravagant. In fact, they spent so much time and money on the fashions, the supporting cast was kind of hastily cobbled together. Case in point: these two guys. Toby is blind "but he sees more than most people." Oh, so he's like Daredevil. Got it. Toby also appears to be a shabbily-dressed jazz musician. Apparently his playing sucks. Honestly, why couldn't he have been a successful, well-dressed jazz musician? Would that have killed anybody? And then there's the weasel-faced hippie on the right, David Griffith. Nickname: "D.W." (Really? You want to go there, writers? Yikes.) Looks like Kamandi is all growed up! His clothes aren't worth my attention but I did notice something interesting. David is insanely muscular for a hippie film student from 1981. I presume that's because it's a comic book. Check out any TV show or movie from back then. Muscular guys were few and far between, and they were usually athletes or hired goons. Your typical 1981 protagonist had spindly little arms, sloped shoulders, and a belly like a pregnant lady in her second trimester. And a perm! But I digress. In real life, almost nobody from 1981 was in shape! Not even in the fantasy worlds created by Hollywood. But look in any comic book and every background character is built like Captain America. It is a puzzlement.

Excellent three-piece suit, D.A. Hao! Those things always make a man look like a million bucks. The only thing that would make him look better? Shirtlessness! (You knew that one was coming, right? No? C'mon, keep up!) Lieutenant Scarfe, however... wow. What is that outfit, a salute to the Mexican flag? Was this picture taken at the precinct Christmas party? Does the Lieutenant suffer from red-green color blindness and it all looked gray to him? And what's with the half-melted happy face button? What's that, you say? It's a badge? Yeah, I'm not buyin' it. And why is his hair bright blue? What is he smoking? What kind of crazy freaked-out universe did I wind up in? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Like A Thing Unto Cashmere

Do you know the best part of any issue of "Power Man & Iron Fist"? It's not the non-stop action or the playful banter or the complex characterization. It's the gowns. The pretty, pretty gowns.

Here's Colleen Wing, enjoying a formal dress freakout in "Power Man & Iron Fist" #70 (June 1981). Colleen's gown has the elegance required for an evening at the opera, with just a hint of wanton sluttiness that's just perfect for an intimate night at the local sex dungeon. Everyone who's anyone wants this gown! Top-knotted immortal sorcerors, tattooed male ballerinas, dirty hippies (with utterly gorgeous biker 'staches... er, but I digress) and of course, Angela Bassett. In fact, the only one who isn't interested is Captain Kangaroo, and that's only because Colleen just put a stiletto heel in his left eye. Yeeeowwch! But it was too late for him anyway, because Clint Eastwood just used his lasso skills to rope hisself a prize filly! Thar'll be some tender cuts o' veal fer his vittles tonight! Yeeee-haw!

Baubles, bangles, and BAZOOMBAS!!! Here's busty Harmony Young, who's so enchanted with her gown that she doesn't mind at all that the giant disembodied head of her lover's old girlfriend floats above her noggin at all times. (Although why the old girlfriend is wearing little packets of allergy medicine for earrings is beyond me.) Harmony's gown has a generous slit (just like Harmony!) that gives her an unprecedented freedom of movement and 24- hour E-Z access to her cooter. Harmony has accessorized the look with a selection of rubber bands, Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" bracelets, the beaded chain from a pen at the bank, and some of those little zippy plastic deals that come off the lids to milk cartons.

Tomorrow: menswear!