Monday, March 27, 2006

And His Junk Is Composed Of A Series Of Ones And Zeroes

Golden Age villain "the Thinker" used to be a chubbier version of Gale Gordon from The Lucy Show with a "thinking cap" that was essentially an inverted colander with some buttons and wires on it. Observe:

original flavor

He's dead now. And yet he still exists, kind of, as a free-roaming, evil computer consciousness with the ability to manifest a hologram body. That's one way to lose those unwanted pounds.

new style

Here are just a few of the advantages of the Thinker's new digital bod:

1. His nipples have a resolution of 2560 x 1600 for a crisp, lifelike appearance.
2. His bellybutton is a functioning USB port.
3. You can illegally download current box office smash films straight from his sinuses. But they're all in some weird foreign language you don't understand. Because he's evil.
4. Each toenail has its own ringtone.
5. He belches real-time stock quotes.
6. He poops your horoscope.
7. He can block all spam e-mails just by making the "talk to the hand" gesture. And his liver is a firewall.
8. His white blood cells look exactly like Ms. Pac-Man.
9. Through methods too complicated to explain here, he's currently draining the life force from Lindsay Lohan. Seriously. I mean, have you seen her lately? 'Cause DAMN.
10. He can yank it with a top speed of 2.16 GHz.


Steven said...

This is too perfect.

I've been staring at the Thinker's digital junk for 12 hours now, and I cannot, CANNOT come up with number 11.

You win this round, Blockade Boy.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Thank you, kind sir. (doffs huge, feather-adorned "Three Musketeers" hat and bows graciously)

Anonymous said...

He has all that and yet the best he can do for a mask is a hollowed-out crockpot he hammered the impression of his face into one night after a really good bender with Per Degaton and Brainwave.