Sweet!
For now, I still have his copy of "Wonder Woman Annual" #5 (1996). It'll do. Let's take a gander at the book's heroine: a futuristic, noncommitally Native American-esque lass living on one of those ancient spaceship worlds that use to be all the rage. You know the kind -- the original passengers are long dead, and their descendants have no idea they're on a spaceship anymore? Blech. That nonsense is so 2660's.
Her name is AlyXa, and she dresses like a slut. But her hair and jewelry are to die for.
Spinabifidalicious! I guess her people have evolved past the need for an intestinal tract.
Anatomical abnormalities aside, isn't she the cutest thing? I wish I'd seen this ensemble back when I was in my Space Goth phase. I would have been simply dripping with handmade bangles and clasps and clusters of dangly earrings and shit. Oh well.
It's just too bad about her outfit. Slutty? Oh, just a tad. But the bigger crime in my eyes is that it's so damned impractical. There's so little material, and it's all fastened together so tenuously, it's not worth the trouble of putting it on. One strong gust from an air duct and WHAM! It gets knocked right off. And the cut of that skirt... yikes. It makes the current Supergirl look positively Victorian.
The guys on the ship don't wear much either but at least they have an excuse: they're hot! Well, besides that, they're warriors. So they dress kind of like gladiators in a "Mad Max" kind of way, with copious doses of "New York art student" and just a dash of Glam Rock.
And the winner for "Most Ridiculously Convoluted Spear" goes to--! (And now I play The Waiting Game. Sooner or later I'll get a pissy e-mail from some martial arts nerd informing me about exactly what kind of ancient Thai weapon or whatever this "spear" is based on. Ah, the internet!)
By the way, have you guessed who the penciler is? No? Here's a helpful clue:
Nobody else draws muttonchops like that. They're so pert! So full-bodied! This can only be the work of... Dave Cockrum! *thoughtfully strokes killer biker 'stache* Man, I miss my sweet-ass muttonchops. And my red hair. *sighs*
But never mind all that now. I've found a new boyfriend! Not that he knows it yet. Check him out, yo.
His name is ValXan. Which I've decided to pronounce like "Valjean" (from "Les Miserables"). Because it's French. Ooh-la-la! God damn but he's gorgeous! And he's sensitive! I can tell. Because he's wearing mascara -- oodles of it, in fact. He has a lot on his mind. Poor fella. Let me relieve you of your burden, ValXan.
Not that he spends all his time brooding, mind you.
Slap fight! So ValXan's voice is "a roaring bellow" and he prefers to resolve conflicts through violence? Gosh, but we have a lot in common!
Okay, now let's skip through all the blah-blah-blah in the middle of the comic and get to the end, where AlyXa mediates a conflict between ValXan's rugged band and the grotesquely-mutated humans who also live on that ginormous spaceship.
Yikes. That is the homeliest chick I've seen wearing a Wonder Woman costume since Cathy Lee Crosby. But back to my future boyfriend...
Aw, ValXan! Even humiliated, you're a cutie-pie! (And that's an important qualification in my boyfriends, believe you me.)
7 comments:
Spinabifidalicious! Hah!
Alas, I think these are Dawnstars ancestors.
Ahh, the NineTies. Those innoCent days of interCaps and superXfluous Xs.
She's hot, all bangly and spit-curled. Ah, to be on a thousand year old worldship with her.
And ratbats? Aw come on, there was a Transformer named RatBat, he was an accountant and he took over the Decepticons one of the times that Megatron died. La-ame.
So if you're a woman in the future, you're either a hideous mutate, or you've got to give up half of your ribs, leaving all of your internal organs below the breast more or less unprotected. Not much of a choice.
Wait, which qualification is important for being your boyfriend? Being humiliated, or being a cutie-pie? Or both? Inquiring minds want to know!
Naladahc: You might be on to something there.
Phillip: Too trUe! NoNe of thOse exTranEouS Clare'Montean a'post'ro'phes fOr tHem!
Jon: I'll put in a good word for you.
Justin: Pretty much, yeah. The sad thing is that "hideous mutate" was only added as an option after the Women's Lib movement.
Bill S.: To answer your question... yes.
Post a Comment