Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Infinity Of Infinity

Yes, who doesn't enjoy eating an entire roast chicken and then washing it down with a strawberry milkshake? (That's a typical Sunday brunch in Storm Boy's time bubble!) Of course, in the very next panel the Beyonder magically makes himself buff again. No fancy equipment or gym memberships for him! Jerk. That's from "Secret Wars 2" #3. In issue #9, this happens:



I have got to get myself one of those things. "Hmm, what could I go for about now? Coffee? Nah. A bagel mini-pizza? Mmm, nope. A taut, well-hung adult male? Yeah, that'd hit the spot. I'll just mosey on over to the kitchen and -- HEY! Who forgot to clean out the machine from last time?!" If you squint real hard at the first panel, you'll find that the Beyonder's sense of modesty makes a Wahabist mullah look like Sean Connery in Zardoz. Behold: fetal underpants! Because no ultrasound technician wants to be exposed to that.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Cozmic, especially! Yah-tah-tah-dah! (plays regal fanfare with a comb and tissue paper)



The Beyonder, you get off of Mr. Weatherbee's desk this instant!

Good gravy, whatever could those dopey things on the Beyonder's shoulders be for? I can only guess...

1. Ultra-high performance air filters, improving the Beyonder's fuel economy by 3-4 mpg.
2. Organizes his CD collection.
3. Strains plankton from the ocean.
4. Intimidates his enemies by resembling big, toothy frowns.
5. Continuously blast "Hungry Like The Wolf" at ear-splitting decibels.
6. Can be used for launderin' yer gingham nightgown down at the ol' crick.
7. Perform three big, show-stopping numbers in "Little Shop Of Horrors."
8. Are used by Smurfs as luxury skyscraper apartments.
9. Great for garnishing seven-foot tall, chrome-plated glasses of iced tea.
10. If the Beyonder makes you mad, just pull a lever on his back and they snap shut, turning his head into scrumptious deli-thin slices of luncheon meat.

*phew* That's all I've got on "Secret Wars 2" for a while. It's back to the usual random assortment of junk next week. Have a great weekend!

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Four Of Infinity

Did you know... 80's fashions are so intrinsically hideous that they generate an invisible forcefield of bad taste? This forcefield, comprised of tiny, garishly colored particles called "tacky-ons", can repel not only food and pet stains, but also magic swords, energy beings, and vibranium-adamantium discs.

Hey, Dazzler? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but that's not a miniskirt. That's technically just a really wide belt and you should count your lucky stars we're not seeing your mutated cooter right now.



Oh, so he's really more like the Bi-yonder! Quite the motley assortment of disembodied heads in the Beyonder's lust diorama. Apparently his ideal love partners include Lois Lane, a young Dick Cheney, drag artist Charles Busch, James Carville in a toupee (or possibly Josh Hartnett), Shelley Long, and the Weather Wizard from the "Justice League" cartoons.

Okay, so who here thinks a female Beyonder might look like LaToya Jackson? Show of hands? And he gave himself a female shape but it never occurred to him to, oh, I dunno, tailor the suit a little? There's enough room in there for a second person! Then again, that could be his come-on line.



In a beret, a kerchief, and an impish smile, it's le oui-yondeur. I think he's really digging on that outfit. Maybe a little too much, actually. Seated in the back there and colored a solid, typically 80's purple-gray, it's another She-yonder. And she seems to be entranced by the Garcon-der (who's toting either The World's Longest Menu or a piece of lumber). I know I should be squicked out by the idea the Beyonder is staring at his own ass. But I have a blog, which is pretty much the same thing.

Bonus! Pick up girls through the power of LASIK!



It looks like he's mentally giving the Dazzler a nose job. At any rate, those goopy beams of his don't appear to be connecting with anything. Aha! Dazzler's performing a psychic cock block!

Good for you, honey. Good for you.

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Three Of Infinity

Ever wonder what a Marvel Zombie visualizes when he's masturbating? Yeah, pretty much someone like that guy. Only sometimes with boobs. Sometimes.

This is how the Beyonder first appeared when he came to our universe in "Secret Wars 2" #1. Y'know, I was scratching my head, trying to figure out what the big white ponytail was emulating and then it finally hit me: it's Storm's hair! No wonder he switched bodies; Storm probably spends forty hours a week, minimum, keeping that huge mass o' hair looking all glossy and fabulous. (*knock knock knock* "Storm, it's Angel! Can I just squeeze into the bathroom with ya for a few minutes? I gotta touch up my highlights!" "Keep out! I'm conditioning!")

Two things I absolutely adore about this panel:
1. It's never explained how the couch got like that, or if it's even the Beyonder's fault. As you can see, the Molecule Man's pad is kind of a dump anyhow . Observe the cracked plaster on the back wall. Maybe the Molecule Man is apologizing to the Beyonder for his furniture's general crappiness. Or maybe the Beyonder was just exceptionally windy that day. And his farts glow!
2. "I'm not sure he's ready for Laverne and Shirley." This line is so wrong, it's Zen.

In "Secret Wars 2" #7, the Beyonder chills on a beach..



...where he pairs one of his trademark flared-shoulder tops with clamdiggers. No wonder he looks depressed. If I saw my reflection and realized I was wearing that outfit, I'd probably want to kill myself. Luckily, his suicidal reverie is interrupted by Wolverine's blonder, fatter cousin. Or maybe it's Tubby from the old "Little Lulu" comics, all grown up and furry-chested and livin' large!



My memories of the 80's are a mite hazy -- I'll have to go visit them again sometime! -- but was every single shirt collar turned up back then? 'Cause that's my impression from reading this series. What, was there an overabundance of starch in that decade? Was gravity less influential? Honestly, I'm flummoxed!

So here we have two guys wearing (allegedly) stylish clothing, in a tropical paradise, in the 1980's. I think it's safe to assume they're starring in a detective show.

Let's see... who else was a bloody car wreck when it came to 80's fashions? Oh, I know!



Rachel Summers! But of course. Braided mullet, check. Tights with suspenders, check. Boots of a clashing color and noncommittal length, check. Rachel's so preoccupied that she doesn't notice an angry, fashion-conscious mob is pelting her with debris. "Your top shouldn't match your pants!" they holler at her. "And do something about your hair! What are you, twelve?" But she pays no heed. She just fluffs up her forelock and busts out her Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance. In the background, Cannonball is so unnerved that he starts to keel over sideways, his fists clenching anxiously. Shadowcat and Dazzler, having run out of things to throw at Rachel, decide to just tackle her and pummel her senseless.

Sounds like a good plan.

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Two Of Infinity

From Secret Wars 2 #2, that's the pre-Jheri curl Beyonder, wearing his cheap knock-off of Captain America's designer body. Hey, check out the dude in the foreground. Sweet muttonchops!

In this same issue, the Beyonder swipes a suit off a mannequin but it's way too small. Luckily for him, he's immediately accosted by a Sassy But Wise Black Lady, like they have on TV.



Extreme Makeover: Homeless Edition! Not long after, the Maya Angelou of the dumpster set asks the Beyonder point-blank, "How come you're so dumb? You from space or something?" Okay, first of all I'd just like to announce that I'm stealing that line and I'm going to use it as often as I can. And secondly, I love how it's a legitimate question in the Marvel Universe.

Secret Wars #5 introduces that sensational character find of 1985: Tabitha Smith, a.k.a. Boom Boom, Boomer, Time Bomb, Meltdown, blah, blah, blah...! The Beyonder may be from space (and therefore dumb) but even he knows Tabitha won't make it far in comics with a face like hers.



Extreme Makeover: Homely Edition! I read this when it first came out, and even then I thought, "You don't want the Beyonder to make you pretty, Tabitha? Don't worry; that'll be taken care of by every single artist who ever draws you, ever, ever again." Let's do a quick before-and-after, shall we? Here's Tabitha in Secret Wars 2 #5 (November, 1985) and in X-Factor #12 (January, 1987).



Note that the plain Tabitha is crying for real and the pretty Tabitha is only pretending to cry. Deep, no? And Tabitha has stayed pretty, with occasion stops in Hottieville and its outlying suburbs, Trampy Towne and Wetly F***able Corners.

More Secret Wars 2 dish tomorrow, but before I go I'd like to talk about Tabitha's Devo sunglasses. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that these sunglasses, nay, her entire ensemble, looked not only "normal" but "fashionable." And if I had a choice of walking around with a puffy blackened eye or covering them with those particular sunglasses? I'd demand a third option, preferrably while firing a machine gun in the air to emphasize my point.

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part One Of Infinity

Well, thank God that's over, huh? I'd delete Storm Boy's post but I want everyone to see how fat he's gotten. (The only reason I kept my tongue in his mouth for so long when we were making out is 'cause it had found a whole Krispy Kreme that had gotten lodged in there. Mmm. Sweet.) Er. Moving on...

I'd like to proffer a great big "thank you" to blog commenter Cozmic, for his suggestion I post about the fashion choices of the Most Powerful Wigga In This Or Any Other Universe, a.k.a. the Beyonder. An incomprehensibly vast and bodiless intelligence, the Beyonder decided to take on a human body, eventually settling for a copy of Captain America's. Why? To quote the comic book: "Observing the reactions of many humans to Captain America convinced him that a body like Captain America's was the best possible." Pfft. I dunno about that. Not content with Cap's blonde blandness, he decided to get "with it" and make his hair look like Michael Jackson's. And then he gussied himself up in a series of increasingly ugly clothes.

I'll get to his famous "air filter" armor later on, but I'd like to start with his hip-hop jumpsuits, with their huge collars, shoulderpads and multiple pockets. (It turns out God shops at Chess King. Who knew?) Here's a taste from "Secret Wars 2" #3 (September, 1985). In this scene, the Beyonder engages in the Bizarro World version of Shinto Buddhism, where everything worships him.



I love his cheesy smile. It looks like he's about to tell me how I can become a millionaire selling Herbalife. You can see the upturned collar in this picture. (It was the Eighties; upturned collars were mandated by federal law.) But let's get a look at the whole outfit.



Yes, the Beyonder has boundless self-confidence and the respect of everyone around him -- and it's all possible thanks to his new hair! (Sorry -- turned into Cy Sperling there for a second.) Anyway. That's some stylish sanitation worker, huh? Dig the Amish-style lack of zippers, buttons, snaps or any other kind of fastener. The waistband is undoubtedly elastic. That means my seventy-five year old dad could wear this, and he has a huge painful bulge in his side from when they had to remove a rib! I love how that one guy in the middle right-hand side there, Robbie Robertson or Element Lad or whoever, has an expression of stark screaming horror. Finally, someone with an ounce of sense!

Also, I hate to break it to the Beyonder, but those folks aren't bowing down like that because they're worshipping him. It's because his outfit has given them the dry heaves.

Hey, bonus! Look at this!



Oh, it's Witchblade's mom! To quote: "Without this circuitized exo-skeleton, I would be helpless -- with it, however, I have the power to move, and better yet, avenge myself!" That's swell, hon. Now would it kill you to put some damn clothes on? (Do you think she cleans herself with one of those cans of compressed air?) And is it just me, or is the Beyonder giving her the finger in that last panel? The Beyonder, you bitch--!

More Secret Wars 2 fashion disasters tomorrow! And the day after that, and the day after that...!

(Later: Sorry I misspelled your name, Cozmic. It's fixed now.)

Purple And Orange Make Lame: Blockade Boy

Hello, fashion lovers! Look who got himself a time bubble and a degree in computer hackery! That's absolutely correct... it's me, Storm Boy! You may remember me from Adventure Comics #301, when I tried out for the Legion of Super-Heroes. It, um, didn't go so well.



Oh. MY God. Would you look at my hair? What was I thinking? So yeah, I wasn't allowed entry into their little club, just because I have no natural super-powers. So? B.F.D., Cosmic Boy. (Prick.) I'd invented a machine that allows me to control the very elements themselves but NO, they keep me out and let Bouncing Boy waddle right in. Jerks. Not that I'm still holding a grudge or anything. Anyhow? The whole incident led me to two big decisions: ONE, to devote myself full-time to my first love: EYEGLASS FRAME design! And TWO: to stop bothering with exercise, which freed up more time for eating space donuts.

So then? Some jackass goes and invents anti-gravity lenses, making eyeglass frames obsolete. I'm at my wits end! UNTIL I happen to spot something totally fascinating in the historical archives of the super-hero exhibit in the Space Museum. The following is a panel from the illustrated biography of 20th century hero Mister Terrific, from volume 19 of "Sensation Comics" (July 1943), in the chapter titled "Party Crasher From The Year 3000."



Okay. Even with the primitive coloring techniques? I'd recognize that dye job ANYWHERE. See, this guy I know, a pompous hairball with rage issues, calling himself "Blockade Boy," had disappeared about a year ago and nobody knew where he'd gone. Or cared! Heh. Turns out he'd swiped a Legion time bubble and was traipsing around the multiverse. Well, anything he can design, I can design better. So I invented a device to make myself invisible to Legion security measures, snuck into their dopey clubhouse, slipped behind the controls of a time bubble and HERE I AM!

It turns out a lot of super-folk need my fashion advice, DESPERATELY. And nobody moreso than the guy who begged me for an honest critique of his deep-kissing technique, and then got all pissy and insulted my eyeglasses when I gave him an honest answer. That would be History's Greatest Monster: Blockade Boy. Here we go!

What's his deal:
Blockade Boy is a hulking, square-headed dickweed with gross curly hair on his shoulders and no fashion sense whatsoever. His super-power is nominally the ability to turn into a person-sized steel wall. But if you ask me, his real power is throwing temper tantrums and acting like he's better than everyone else.

Crimes against fashion:



Blockade Boy has a lot of costumes, all of them hideous, but this is his favorite and, coincidentally? The absolute WORST. There's the garish color scheme, the completely pointless "forearm pads" (although he DOES like to get down on all fours, if you know what I mean and I think you do) and the ear warmers. Really, the whole shebang is just a mess.

Our meeting:
The first time I met Blockade Boy was at a fashion show on Mars, sponsered by socialite whore Paris Spiffany. It was standing-room only and we were squeezed right next to each other. We wound up talking, making fun of all the haute couture abortions sashaying down the runway, and I honestly thought he was kind of funny, even if his breath was ripe. I bumped into him later at one of Element Lad's rave parties and Blockade Boy was wearing this kind of see-through tank top which did him no favors if you ask me. I mean, for the love of GOD, man, get yourself some electrolysis! But I was pretty drunk and so was he and the very next thing I know we're making out behind the abandoned android factory in the bad section of town and he gets all mushy and practically sobbing, saying shit like "I just want to please you! If there's anything I'm doing wrong, please tell me!" And like an idiot, I do tell him. In the nicest possible may, mind you, but I had to do something. It was like being french-kissed by a lamprey eel. Seriously. It was just.. ew. Ugh. I hate even thinking about it. And then he gets all indignant and says "Well, your glasses look stupid!" And I'm thinking, "What are you, five?" What the hell EVER, Blockade Boy.

I haven't met him since I got my time bubble, but I've prepared some great new costume designs for him, just in case. It's not for him so much as it is for the general public. Nobody should have to see the crap he likes to wear.

My presentation:
If we meet, I'll say something like this: Blockade Boy, we should let by-gones be by-gones. As a peace offering, here are some costume designs you should really think about wearing.



The first is a nice, simple, classic outfit. Nothing fancy. Not a lot of trim. It has the standard features: heavily insulated diapers, shoulder ruffles and a bubble helmet. Y'know. Business casual. I know how much you're attached to purple and orange, so I kept the color scheme but I muted it somewhat because it's frankly horrid the way it is now. No offense. There's your name right on the front and a little picture of a steel wall. And yes, I suppose it's very reminiscent of designers like Plastino, Papp, and Forte, but that's what makes it so timeless. The next look is very fashion-forward.



Now, this is the latest look where we come from. I saw designs like this at a runway show by Cockrum & Grell. It has a castle motif on the collar and the beltless buckle. (You'll be all set for your hot date with Grimbor the Chainsman!) I think the green will better complement your "natural" red hair *snicker* and it shows a lot of skin, so, y'know. Sex appeal. One thing, you'll have to shave that sheepskin rug you call your chest hair for the whole thing to really work. But it'll be worth it, believe me. Your current goatee is pretty sweet, but the new thing is to grow it longer, let the ends fork, and add a big handlebar moustache. It's quite simply luscious. Not as nice as my fearsome fu-manchu. But still.

Blockade Boy's response:
Who knows, but I can't wait to find out! Hmm. Maybe he'll notice I hacked onto his website and he'll post something. Here's hoping!

Hat Out Of Hell

Say what you will about Maximus the Mad. Sure, he drugged his entire family with "hypno-potions" and he tried to destroy the Earth with meteors. But the man certainly has a flair for choosing a chapeau.



"I WANT YOU! To pull my finger!" Here, Maximus has found just the right cap to compliment his jogging suit. Modest but not meek, this sporty little number is trimmed in real gold and, apparently, keeps his Rastafarian dreads in check.



Yeah, I had the exact same expression when a really bitchy salesgirl at a Coast City boutique told me my knit cap made my head look like an acorn. Anyway. That's one magnificent hat. The effect is dampened somewhat when you realize that you can see his hair through it, and that he has the exact same haircut as one of the Three Stooges. But still. It's so sleek. I bet it picks up satellite radio signals. And it toasts an English muffin to perfection. It looks like Darth Vader's spaceship. Only cooler. AND, if you look at it just right, pretending the spot where Maxiumus' face pokes through is a mouth, and the three holes just above that are two eyes and a nose? It looks like the head of Ultron's dog.

But nothing -- and I do mean nothing -- can eclipse the sheer grandeur of this hat:



Dear sweet Lord in Heaven above! It's glorious! I think I could live quite comfortably inside Maximus' hat. In fact, I think I ought to start a charity, building replicas of it for low-income families. "Maxiumus' Hat For Humanity." It would help make up a little for all the times Maximus has tried to eradicate all mankind (and he's tried it a lot.)

Fun fact: on Orando this is considered a "beanie."

Nick Fury, Agent Of F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S.

I hope Ammo's almost done beating the everloving crap out of Daredevil, because he only has two minutes to get back on stage for the finale of "The Lion King."

A few notes:

1. It's hard to tell in this scan, but Ammo is wearing those Mister T feather earrings.
2. Also, he has a rat tail. (Of hair! Of hair!)
3. Forget Daredevil, somebody call P.E.T.A. on this guy! Because I'm fairly sure his Danskins are made of endangered white tiger fur.
4. Yeah, he looks goofy to you now. But if Grant Morrison had designed this guy for his Doom Patrol comic (and he's not too far off from Grant's old sketches -- just add a tri-corner hat and a hula skirt) he'd be a fondly remembered character. There might even be a legion of fanboys calling for his return, and they'd operate under the title B.L.A.H. (Bring Loveable Ammo Hereabouts.)

Nuclear Bedhead

See what happens when you forget to wear sunblock? I bet that smarts like the dickens!

But I kid. Because I love! To hate! This is "Binary," a.k.a. one of the many ways Ms. Marvel got totally jacked up by Chris Claremont (one of the most creatively bankrupt authors in comics but I shan't go into that here.) Sure, those energy spikes look very "rad" and "groovy" and "the bee's knees" and whatever else you 20th/21st century types say about edgy fashion. But they clash with the sleek sluttiness -- er, sexiness that is -- of her white super-togs. My prescription? A perm!



There we go!

Y'know, I'm suddenly hungry for macaroni and cheese, and I don't know why.

Bland Sabbath

From "Defenders" #96 (Marvel, June 1981), this is Asmodeus Jones, whose real name is "Ozzie Palmer." I wonder who he's based on. No, don't tell me. Jackson Brown, maybe? Kidding! I know it's really Christopher Cross. Anyway, nothing oozes "Satanic" like a billowing, scale-spangled blouse with attached hotpants. And lots of shiny gold bracelets! Nice gams, though.

The comic book gets more deeply mired in fashion stupidity later on with this scene:



Nameless Satanic Handmaiden #3's use of the word "kinky" makes it abundantly clear that an orgy had just taken place, and that it was quite the depraved social affair. But look more closely at Asmodeus. Sure, the robe opens at the front for easy access, but underneath he's still wearing a shirt and pants. Still doubting me? Check out the next panel:



And the other guy was wearing a business suit! Anyhow, like all rock 'n' roll sex gods, Asmodeus Jones likes to cavort with groupies while wearing sensible slacks and a dress shirt -- buttoned almost to the neck and with the sleeves rolled down, of course. What kind of "kinky" activities took place at this orgy, anyway? "Spin the bottle?" Did they play four-letter Scrabble? Or have a very sensual taffy pull? C'mon, Asmodeus, you can tell me. Spill it, brother!



Er... yeah. Okay. You can stop staring into my very soul now, thank you very much. Gah! I feel like I need to take a shower now. In Lysol. And then dry myself off with a Swiffer.

A couple of notes, before I go and do that:
1. I'd love it if Marvel brought this guy back, older and more rickety with a wife and a couple of rowdy teenage kids, like that guy on that cable reality show... Hulk Hogan.
2. This issue was drawn by Don Perlin, who was like the Curt Swan of Marvel in terms of artistic sensibility and hell, age too, for all I know. Asking Don Perlin to depict the daily life of a heavy metal singer is like asking Jim Balent to draw a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt. You're just not going to get the desired results.
3. Yup, Doctor Strange was there, in invisible astral form. He just likes to watch.

And His Junk Is Composed Of A Series Of Ones And Zeroes

Golden Age villain "the Thinker" used to be a chubbier version of Gale Gordon from The Lucy Show with a "thinking cap" that was essentially an inverted colander with some buttons and wires on it. Observe:



He's dead now. And yet he still exists, kind of, as a free-roaming, evil computer consciousness with the ability to manifest a hologram body. That's one way to lose those unwanted pounds.



Here are just a few of the advantages of the Thinker's new digital bod:

1. His nipples have a resolution of 2560 x 1600 for a crisp, lifelike appearance.
2. His bellybutton is a functioning USB port.
3. You can illegally download current box office smash films straight from his sinuses. But they're all in some weird foreign language you don't understand. Because he's evil.
4. Each toenail has its own ringtone.
5. He belches real-time stock quotes.
6. He poops your horoscope.
7. He can block all spam e-mails just by making the "talk to the hand" gesture. And his liver is a firewall.
8. His white blood cells look exactly like Ms. Pac-Man.
9. Through methods too complicated to explain here, he's currently draining the life force from Lindsay Lohan. Seriously. I mean, have you seen her lately? 'Cause DAMN.
10. He can yank it with a top speed of 2.16 GHz.

Bonus Post: He-Looker, Now With Less Yokel

The fellow I drew wearing a male version of Looker's costume came out a bit too "Woody from 'Cheers'" but I figured he'd do. Inspired by some comments in that post, I played around with the face, making it less lean and long and making the eyes look more "Yeah, you know you want me" and less "Y'know, I could really go for some mashed puh-taters." But now he seems kind of insane. I dunno. What do you think? Oh, and I finally decided on a name for him. (Thanks for the suggestions, guys!)

Presenting: Adonis!

Gender Reassignment Challenge: Looker to ????

Sometimes I like to challenge myself to redesign an existing costume for a different purpose or gender. In the "gender reassignment" challenges, I take a very feminine superheroine costume and butch it up for a male hero, while still trying to retain as many design elements as possible from the female version. In other words, it has to obviously look like the "brother" of the original costume.

Probably one of the most infamously unattractive costumes in the last three decades belongs to the psionic-powered superheroine, Looker. Let's take a gander at her, shall we? (You may wish to don welding goggles or perhaps view the image through one of those pinhole boxes folks use to look at solar eclipses, as the sight of Looker's costume has been known to cause retinal damage.) Okay, is everyone prepared? Here we go.



How about that, huh? A bow and a chain. Give to me your leather; take from me my lace. Plus there's the massive collar, the huge white nipple pads or whatever the heck those things are, and the asymmetry, MY GOD, the asymmetry. It's also unabashedly, almost ridiculously girly. So I wondered if I could find a way of doing that same type of costume for a man. I think I figured out a way to do it. I was even able to retain the color scheme, believe it or not.



Looker, from her name onward, was meant to be a devastatingly beautiful woman. I tried to imagine what the male version might look like. I decided to make him look like something off the cover of a romance novel. The pink tights made me think of old-timey circus performers so I designed the look around what a trapeze artist in the early 19th century might wear. The cloak is of a type favored by some military men (like Napoleon), where the arms go through slits beneath the top layer. And because my guy is supposed to be from a romance novel, he's barechested. (Notice how I made sure he's covering his nipples this time. You're welcome.) That's why I gave him long gloves that cover most of his arms. When he's wearing the cloak, it gives it the feel of a complete coat, with sleeves. Looker's bow is echoed in the guy's sash. I had no use for the chain, so I didn't use it. I simplified the boots, as you can see, but they're soft-soled, like a circus acrobat might wear. And for the most part I ditched the asymmetry, because that shit had to go.

I'm just having trouble deciding what to call this guy. "Looker" sounds too girly. I was thinking of "Dreamboat" maybe. But I'm still not sure. What do you guys think I should call him? Lookie-Lou? The Crotchinator? Baron Hunkmeyer Von Prettypants? I'm up for suggestions!

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part Two)

So, the guy's sitting up there in a green metal harness, and it's only when he takes off the chauffer hat that the Wasp figures out he's not her regular driver. That can mean only one of two things: either the Wasp is frightfully stupid, or she dresses her servants in some pretty bizarre get-ups. My theory was the latter. And it was confirmed (yay, me!) when I snuck into -- er, make that visited the Van Dyne compound. Here's a list of some of the other positions in and around the Wasp's mansion, along with which Marvel Comics villains their uniforms most closely resemble:

1. Butler: Doctor Doom
2. Footmen: Annihilus
3. Valet: Ultron
4. Head Housemaid: Titania
5. Maids: the Enchantress
6. Cook: Magneto
7. Pastry Chef: the High Evolutionary
8. Wine Steward: Baron Zemo
9. Gardener: Thanos
10. Poolboy: the Wendigo (either that or he had a lot of back hair)

Hmmm.... come to think of it, this would also confirm my first theory of the Wasp being frightfully stupid. I win again!

And now, for no reason whatsoever, here's Tiger Shark enduring history's most painful beer fart:

Stupid Moments In Fashion: Avengers #222 (Part One)

Can anybody explain the Wasp's line of thinking here? The She-Hulk is around six-foot-six. How is her figure flattered by putting her in genie pants and puffy sleeves? Is it really imperative that she look bulkier? And if so, why bother with all that fancy sewing? Why not stick her in a burqa, topped with a big, floppy sun hat? Or a beekeeper's uniform?

The She-Hulk obviously hates this costume, and I respect the hell out of her for tempering her response. 'Cause God knows I wouldn't have. The Wasp defends her sorry creation in the next panel: "You're an unusual woman, Jennifer! Your clothes should say that!" (The green hair and skin not doing it for you, honey?) "We want a complete image that'll drive men wild at the sight of you!" (And that means concealing as much of your body as humanly possible!)

The Wasp shows the She-Hulk exactly where she fits on her list of priorities (i.e. down at #732, between "Look in the Yellow Pages for a good chimney sweep" and "Get that Plantar's wart looked at") when the Masters of Evil attack. The She-Hulk rushes off to battle but the Wasp flies in front of her just as she's about to rip her way out of the puffy-yet-restrictive garment. "That outfit is an original!" snaps the Wasp. "Tear it -- and I'll never speak to you again!" So while Moonstone and the Scorpion are pulverizing The Mighty Thor, the She-Hulk has to carefully get out of her ensemble...



...and join the fray in her lacy unmentionables.



Think about it: some poor Korean gal had to wax a full square yard of bikini area. I hope she got a decent tip.

Tomorrow: more fashion-related fun from Avengers #222!

What Typhoid Mary Is Trying To Protect Her Shoulders From

1. fists
2. knives
3. gunfire
4. cannon fire
5. torpedoes
6. catapults
7. baseball bats, both wood and aluminum
8. boomerangs
9. arrows tipped with the poison saliva of rare Amazonian tree frogs
10. karate chops
11. the laughter of popular adolescent girls
12. that one really cool lightsaber in that one Star Wars movie, you know the one I'm talking about
13. sensual massage
14. the harsh rays of the sun
15. laser pointers
16. cat o' nine tails
17. pillow fights
18. grappling hooks
19. piggy-back rides
20. whatever Russell Crowe has in his hands at the time
21. spikey maces and/or extraterrestrial energy weapons
22. birds pooping on them

Number One With A Mullet

Yeah, I'm pretty sure somebody gave me a candy heart with that written on it. Probably from Storm Boy, after we made out that one time and then I made fun of his dorky glasses. "But I designed them myself!" he told me. What the hell ever, Storm Boy.

Annnyway, the image above is a great profile view of the most noble, pure-hearted mullet haircut ever to exist, and of its owner, Longshot (from "Longshot" #6, Marvel, February 1986.) Longshot only has four digits on each hand and his skin has the texture of leather (if his girlfriend is to be believed) but his most deformed feature is that haircut.

Haircuts can go out of style with astounding speed, so even if a superhero's costume is timeless, he or she might still be seen parading around with last decade's coiffure. And the mullet? Back in 1986, everybody and his brother had one of these numbers. Including, I might add, Jeremy Rizza (snicker). But soon enough the mullet moved out of the world of high fashion and into a nebulous redneck timewarp where a man can have the same haircut for two decades or more. And then he passes said haircut onto his own sons. And so on. And then the mullet haircut somehow materializes on their family crest.

It's a real shame, too, because the mullet is truly one of the most unfortunate hairstyles ever to be invented. Right down there with the "rat tail." (Rizza had one of those, too! Haw! What a jerk!) "Business up front, party out back?" Sure, if the business is selling shrunken apple-head dolls from a folding table on the side of Highway 50. And if the party is taking place in an abandoned tool shed, and it gets busted by the FBI because the deejay is a meth dealer.

And here's the kicker: Longshot not only has an ugly, wretchedly out-of-date hairstyle, but it's implied in his miniseries that his hair just naturally kind of grows that way. So he's screwed.

Naw, I'm sure he could get a better haircut if he wanted. I'm sure he's just way too busy fighting evil right now. See, Longshot? I was just givin' ya guff back there. It's what guys do to each other. (Well, it's one of the things guys do to each other. Heh.) So what do you say? Friends?



Criminy, what a drama queen!

Is That A Bowling Pin On His Head?

Yes! Yes, it is. A bowling pin with some pretty embroidery and two cow horns. Apparently the Supervillain Costume Barn was having a clearance sale. And nobody was happier about that than Maur-Kon, the bad guy from Marvel's "Shogun Warriors" #6 (July, 1979). And sure, installing a TV camera in front of the toilet made sense at the time, but who could have guessed some asshole would pirate the signal while you're trying to pass that tainted pulled pork sandwich you ate last night?



"Inside Combatra, Lord Maur-Kon is enjoying himself immensely..." Then why are both his hands in plain sight? And why is he crying? Oh, I understand now. Maur-Kon used to run with a Mexican gang, and they gave him those badass teardrop tattoos they're so fond of. And judging from the elaborate mustache, Maur-Kon also used to be lead tenor in a barbershop quartet. Man, that must have been a hectic schedule. 2:00 PM: pop a cap in Julio's ass. 2:15 PM: join the boys for a medley of Steven Foster tunes over at the Senior Citizens' Center. 2:30 PM: hold switchblade against Paco's right cheek and demand to know "why he always gettin' loud wit' me." 2:45 PM: head over to the Wal-Mart for more mesh t-shirts and mustache wax.

Naw, I'm just funnin', Maur-Kon. So, this is probably the first time anybody on the planet has mentioned you in any context at all in over twenty-five years. How does that make you feel?



Pfft. I have the feeling this wasn't your first time, honey.

And now, some vaguely inappropriate sound effects.



Er... yes. Indeed. "Doosh."